Smokey Mirror

Big changes don’t happen overnight. The old isn’t working anymore and the new has not yet set in. It  took some time to figure that out. I am in-between two stages of spiritual growth. Knowing that helps me embrace this period instead of fighting it. All is well.

So far, I have lived my life through the act of sheer force. I had the focus and stamina of a pittbull. Once I put my teeth into something, I could not let go. It was not like I was having fun or that I didn’t get tired (pun intentended), it was more that, on some unconscious level, I had to do it and the thought of letting go didn’t even occurr to me. This stage of personal evolution, where you show yourself you can make things happen through will power, combined with some strong personality traits and blind spots litterally got me so sick and tired, I was forced to stop. In retrospect, I can see it was my wise self telling me, in the only way I could hear, that what I was doing was not fitting anymore to who I had become along the way.

Yesterday, I was busy doing something I wanted to do, having fun, when all of a sudden, I was immensely tired (again). First, I got scared, thinking ‘oh no! not again!’ and the next second I saw the irrationality of that thought and instantly recognized that I was tired because my body was trying to convey something. So I sat down and did nothing for a few minutes. In these minutes, I could feel my body relax completely, I felt at peace, I felt love and compassion for myself, my energy returned and I felt renewed. My body and mind were gasping for silence, for being still, even if it were just a few minutes, to be able to let go of old thought patterns and to let peace arise.

For someone who has always pushed herself to the extremes doing what she thought she had to do, doing nothing and letting things arise from a space within is an extremely uncomfortable place to be. It is a completely new paradigm. I have written about it in the past, but I never understood it like I do now. I’m not there yet, I have to let it grow at it’s own pace, allowing it, not pushing it. It’s like a seed that has laid barren for a long time, but against all odds has started to grow. It grows at it’s own speed, all I can do is nurture it. I am the scarecrow, the sun, the rain. And the seed. I feel deeply blessed to watch this unfolding of me and am joyously anticipating whatever will arise from this seed, whether it be grass or an oaktree.

photo by Riyas Hamza

When diagnosed with chronic fatique syndrome / ME, the prognosis is not too optimistic and people would tell me that I had a long road ahead of me. When your body is hurting and you’re too tired to even unload the dishwasher, it is soo easy to believe that your road to recovery will be long and tiresome. And I was about to believe that when I heard this still voice ask me: ‘What do YOU believe? Do you believe that just because a lot of people believe something, just because the statistics say something, it is true for you?’ And out of that same stillness came a loud ‘NO!’. No, I don’t. I’d rather be viewed insane but healthy than sane and in the condition I was in. So I chose to believe what is best for me, what feels best to me. Longtime ago, I choose to view my reality differently. In the words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, I believe I’m “a spiritual being having a human experience”, not the other way around. This basically means is that I believe that I am first and foremost an energetic being and that my body is the physical vessel that allows me to operate in this physical plane. Now it was time to act on it, because in the realm of the non-physical, things are not linear, nor time-bound, things can change in an instant, in the blinking of an eye. It is what we would call miracles. And yes, I believe in them too.

When I looked at myself, I saw this soaring spirit living in a body that did not in any way match this vibrancy. There was an enormous, visible incongruency. It was a pointer. I believe all physical illnesses are pointers. They create a possibility to let go of what we don’t need anymore in order to become more aligned with who we are. I knew that my fatigue meant that I was leaking precious energy, and I assumed it was through certain deep-seated beliefs. I knew I needed help to uncover them, because in the past decade of inquiry I had not been able to get in touch with them.

It has only been three weeks since I met with my therapist for the first time, but in the three sessions that followed amazing things have happened. With her help, I uncovered this overwhelming sense of powerlessness, and through EMDR she helped me reconnect the dots. Last weekend, I knotted my linden trees on Saturday, had friends over on Sunday, and then on Monday my daughter was able to have a friend over to play and I was still feeling fine. This is almost unbelievable when you imagine that three weeks ago I could not walk normally, because my joints and muscles were simply hurting too much. However amazing, the true miracle is in the power I feel, an almost unearthly sense of groundedness, it is in the absence of the fear I’ve carried with me for almost 39 years, it’s in my relaxed response where I normally would freak out, it’s this new, completely foreign inner voice that is telling me all this weird stuff, like ‘so what!’, ‘just try again’, and my favorite ‘you will be alright’. People have said these things to me for years, and so have I, but however hard I tried to believe them, I never felt their truth. Today, these words come from within and they make sense, perfect sense. The power they carry feels amazing, but I think I can get used to that, as well as this renewed sense of self.

image of the ‘tree pose’, a grounding yoga pose
image by Michael Lorenzo

Almost two weeks ago, while visiting my family doctor because of a debilitating tiredness I’ve had for some time now, she suggested I’d look into chronic fatigue syndrome / ME. I did. I found several different standards and according to all, I fit the profile perfectly.  So yesterday, I called my doctor to make a new appointment to deal with the physical side of what’s going on. That means getting a diagnosis, which will involve tests as it is a diagnosis of exclusion. There is no treatment, but I want to learn ways to go with my body, instead of against it. As I said, that’s the physical side, it is what needs to be done, but as far as I’m concerned that is not the interesting part of what is happening in my life.

I thought I had made peace with being tired, but being confronted with a possible ME diagnosis, feeling physically very ill and emotionally drained, I discovered that there were new layers to be uncovered. Although this illness and its symptoms are very real in my daily life, I choose not to see it as a physical problem. Unexplained energy loss has been an issue in my life for the past 20 years and no exercise, diet or multivitamin has had any significant results. I would be stronger and healthier than any person I’d know and still, out of the blue, get immensely tired for weeks, unable to even brush my teeth.

What is interesting is that, as I have been growing spiritually in ways that I almost cannot fathom myself, my tiredness has been growing proportionally. And although this may seem paradoxical, it makes perfect sense. See, before, the image I had of myself and my actual life were the same, there was no discord. But now, my image of self has changed almost  180º, yet my life has not. I’m still moving in the same direction. That’s two bodies moving in opposite direction, creating immense tension.

Have you ever held onto something, because you were afraid to let go, even while you knew that you would be alright, that you would be better for it? That’s where I am now. I’m in this boat and I’m rowing against the stream. I’m so good at rowing and I’ve rowed for so many years that I’ve actually managed to row upstream. The current is so much stronger up here and by now I’m rowing like a maniac not be taken by the current. I’m exhausted, I really want to let go of the oars, yet I’m so scared to be taken downstream that I keep rowing. Did I mention that I’m a control freak? I know I need to let go and allow the stream to take me, to close the gap between me and Me, but I’m afraid of what will happen when I give up this illusion of control. Fortunately, my body is caving in, and it is finally dawning on me that I cannot beat the stream of Life, there is only one way and that is down. It is called gravity.

I can honestly say that I’m excited to be on this journey. What an opportunity! What an amazing opportunity! I can’t wait to see what happens when I will let go and allow this stream of Life to take me. I will use this illness as an excuse to catch up with my Self, to become more self-ish, in the purest sense of the word. Isn’t it perfect irony that it will take ME to become Me? Makes me laugh.

photo by Christa Richter

As you may or may not know by now, I was raised in a rather strict christian environment. And although lots of rules and ideas did not feel right and clashed with what I believed God to be, the essence of faith rang so true with me, that all the other things for a long time became secondary. Until it became apparent that my belief system created so much internal stress that life didn’t seem worth living anymore to the extent that I was contemplating suicide. Not good! I got counseling and got asked the most pivotal question of my life: ‘What do YOU believe?’ After having mulled over that question for two weeks, I still didn’t know and decided to let go of God.

At this point, the story becomes interesting. After another two weeks, I discovered that I may have let go of God, but that God had not let go of me. That which I experienced to be God was still present. Years have passed since and that which I used to call God is still with me. I’ve had quite some time to reflect on this presence and I did. I don’t know what to call it anymore, but this no-name experience is strong in me, always has been, and ever growing. I sometimes mockingly call it ‘The Force’, but that doesn’t cover it completely, or do it justice. I believe it is present in saints and sinners, that in some it is more developped than in others, and that development is a critical component of being happy, of feeling whole.

Everyone knows how it feels. It’s the love parents feel for their children, it’s the sense of heaven during really good sex, of awe when you see the sea for the first time, of connectedness when millions of bright stars are shining down on you. It’s the completely overwhelming presence of a wild and rapidly thundering waterfall, of the deafening silence on a mountain top. It is being moved by a piece of music, a good book, art, being touched by another human being, or by the wagging tail of your dog when she greets you at the door. It’s in the song of a bird and the flight of a bumblebee. It is what makes us feel alive and passionate about life, what gives us meaning and creates peace.

It is litterally all around. You can wait untill it accidentally hits you, or you can look for it. It takes focus, patience and perseverence, like any other training. It will not land you an olympic medal or some other tangible trophee. I say it’s even better, it’s something you’ve always dreamed of, we all have. As far as I’m concerned, it’s is the sexiest thing ever, it’s the one feature no one can resist. Happiness on demand. One simple exercise and it is yours.

All you need to do is open your heart and still your mind. And that sounds a hell of a lot more complicated than it really is. All it means is that you find the bright spot in everything you encounter. I said it’s a simple exercise, I didn’t say it would be easy. At first, it will be challenging, but I assure you there is an upside to everything. All you have to do is find it. That’s the exercise: to not give up until you have found what uplifts you and then focus on it for as long as it takes for your muscles to relax. Because that is what happiness is, it is the absence of stress or unvoluntary tension. We cannot feel good and stressed at the same time, they’re incompatible.  With training, your happy muscle will grow. Like your tummy, it requires a lifelong exercise if you don’t want it to sag. If you stop training, it will wither and you will have to start all over again. If on the other hand, you are willing to go beyond the discomfort that is part of any beginning stage and keep practicing, you will see results real soon. And it will get easier. Not only will you find miracles in unexpected places, you will find more and more and each time you do the exercise it will take less effort to focus your mind and body into relaxation until you will feel relief almost instantly. Happiness is yours. Now that’s what I call an awesome deal.

photo by voltphoto.co.uk

Yesterday, my psychological and emotional state resembled the weather in the Netherlands. The weather forecast had predicted unstable weather. The royal meteorological instituted had even had released an extreme weather alert. The forecast revealed to be rather accurate. At the end of the day, we had heavy rain, strong wind gusts and some serious thunder and lightning. Somehow, it felt good the weather agreed with me; it was time to release some tension.

I started my day rather absentmindedly, I somehow was unable to land in the now. At eleven in the morning, I finally had the clarity of mind to stop doing and listen to my body. It felt heavy, like the weather. I felt like crying and sleeping. So I went upstairs to sleep. In the middle of my sleep I was woken by a ringing telephone. I answered. It was my husband. He had two simple requests. My brain short circuited. It seemed I was unable to process requests with more than one variable.  Even one variable would have been challenging. After that I cried. I cried and could not stop. I cried because was stressed, frustrated and I felt guilty. Guilty for not being able to take some load of his shoulders. Guilty for not being able to be the wife I want to be. Guilty for being stressed over nothing, essentially.

I twittered about it. That was not easy, because I know from experience that most people only see a drama queen, having a pity party, fussing over nothing. But yesterday, there also were people who understood what was happening, who could relate to what I was saying. That meant the world to me. There was a sense of recognition, of connection. It was priceless. One lovely lady called it a ‘discharge’. And that landed me in the now. Because that’s exactly what it was. A discharge of tension that had built up for days. My easily stimulated brain was overstimulated and needed to discharge to get equalized again.

As the day progressed, with one drama after another, some small, some really ugly (I sweared like a fishwife at the idiot who through uncareful driving, almost hit my girl and her friend while they crossed the street using a pedestrian crossing), I turned my mind around. I was doing my best. Only today, my best was different than my best on any other given day. And that’s okay. I am not proud that I snapped at my daughter, but I am proud at the moments I did not snap. Proud that on a day with almost zero tolerance for stress, I was capable of caring and compassion. Proud I was able to put my daughter’s safety and emotional needs first (most of the time). Proud I was able to turn my guilt into pride. Proud I twittered about my discharge like other people twittered about the weather.

photo by Ronny Beliën

Last week, on Twitter, I replied that “@ieniemienie *does not believe in chance* #therearenoaccidents.”  Unintentionally, I hit a very tender spot with a mom who lost her son through an accident. In this blog I’ll try to put into words what can not be said in 140 characters.

I don’t believe in accidents. I don’t believe in predestination either. So what do I believe then? Over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that which makes most sense to me, on all levels, is the concept of ‘concurrence’. In Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary, concurrence is described as ‘a situation in which two or more things happen at the same time.’

Have you ever watched ‘Aircrash Investigation’? This TV show, aired on the National Geographic Channel, examines plane crashes and near-crashes. Each episode is a recount of a (near-)crash and how it happened. It is a detailed investigation into what went wrong. Interestingly, it almost never is one thing that went terribly wrong. Usually, the crash is a concurrence of choices, a lot of seemingly small and everyday choices from a lot of different people that come together in a catastrophic plane accident.

We make choices, every day, all day. Most choices are automatic, because they’re habitual. But our choices, however small and insignificant, almost always affect other people. I guess the most famous example is the radius of a smile. My choice to smile is essentially nothing else than the choice to put my lips in a certain position. Yet, the consequences can be far-reaching. By putting my lips in the smile position, I change my physiology. What was but a pose, becomes a feeling. When I smile at other people, they reciprocate, an automated psychological process, and  in turn their physiology changes, making it very likely they will adress the next person they meet in a better mood, maybe even smiling. I believe all of our choices can be as far reaching as that smile. Our choices, however insignificant they may seem at the time can have enormous consequences, good and bad.

I believe every choice has an underlying intention or motivation which eventually determines the outcome. Our intentions can be rooted in fear or in love. Fear (the ultimate fear being ‘not being good enough’) creates painful experiences, while love creates constructively. In an episode of  Air Crash Investigation, there usually is a mechanic, somewhere down the line, who, because of lack of time, chose to do a small checkup when he actually needed to do a full checkup and not told anyone, thus missing a potentially catastrophic problem, or a mechanic who did a full checkup found a small problem, chose not to repair it at the time and forgot to mention it in the checkup plan, leaving the next mechanics who according to schedule only needed to do a small checkup unaware of the growing problem. I’m not pointing my finger at those mechanics. Their mistakes, however catastrophic, were human. I could have made them. Yet, I’m sure their intentions were rooted in fear. Fear of not being ready in time, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing a job, fear of – you name it. I know for sure that a healthy sense of self, a love for repairing planes, a genuine love for people, and the sense of meaning that comes from this combination would have led to different choices, creating a different outcome.

I don’t believe in accidents. I do believe in a concurrence of choices. And I believe the dominant intention of our choices determines the outcome. As a consequence, I believe life is about clarifying our intentions, and learning to make choices that are rooted in love. I believe that if we do just that, tomorrow will be a better day.

People say social media are shallow, that online friends are not real friends. I say social media are as shallow or deep as its users, social media are nothing more than a mirror of what we are willing to give and receive. Social media have added to my life; I have met people that I would not have met otherwise. People on the other side of the world, but also people closer to home. People that enrich my life in ways I could not have imagined. Sweet and caring people, authentic people who are willing to show their true faces, their real lives. I am blessed to have met them.

One of these people is the beautiful Ragna. Although I have never met her in real life, she is as real to me as real can be. She’s a feisty lady with cutting edge humour, she’s compassionate and caring, she is sweet and an overall good person. And I love her. It feels strange to say that about someone I have known only for a few months, someone I have never met in real life, but what else could be this feeling that has invaded my heart, the warmth I feel when I see her picture, the joy when we exchange information, the pride for her accomplisments, the tears when she’s hurting, the need to comfort her and hug her, the anticipation to meet her again the next day, this nauseating feeling when I think of the possibility that that could very well not be the case.

Ragna and I intend to meet in real life. Sometime, soon. I can’t wait. I close my eyes and imagine giving her a warm hug. Feels so good, more real than I could have ever imagined.  We just talk, we laugh and we cry, like we do online, only more intense. I hope I get the chance to meet her, I really do. Just once would be great. Meeting her more than once would be a dream come true. It would mean all went well. The neurologist repaired the blood coil that posed a risk to her health, he was amazed at how smooth the surgeries went, and he is confident her recovery will amaze us all. Tomorrow, he’ll operate on her for the first time to see what the situation is. After that, when everything goes all right, he’ll operate again to repair whatever needs to be repaired.

It will not be easy, but I intend not to worry. Instead, I’m going to imagine Ragna and I walking past rows and rows of blooming peonies at the nursery nearby. Laughing, making fun and choosing our mutual number one, trying not to spend too much money on peonies we have no clue where to plant and not too eat too much of the delicious pie the lady of the nursery bakes herself. It may be a dream, but I’d rather dream a gorgeous dream than worry the day away. Will you please join me and let the wonderful energy of your dreams be the wind in the sails of this lovely captain who is courageously steering her ship by starlight.

Want to know more about Ragna? Look at her Ted x Maastricht video This is your captain speaking and be amazed by her spirit.

When things are bothering us, big things, small things, people often advice us to let go. But we usually have no clue how to do that. And mostly, we feel that it is impossible to let go or even that we don’t want to let go. I’m no buddhist monk, but in 10 years of actively letting go, I have learned one or two things about this proces that I really would like to share with you.  So, ‘letting go’ what does that mean?

We all have pains, big pains, small pains. And we all suffer. Yet pain and suffering are not the same. Pain is a physical experience, suffering is a story we tell ourselves about our pain. Letting go primarily is a proces in which we work on acknowledging that our story is a story we tell ourselves, and that our view only is a small part of a greater picture. Letting go is a proces in which we softly allow ourselves to see that greater picture, a proces in which we soften our resistance to the whole picture. It is about accepting that things may be different than we believe them to be, that there are many things we cannot know for sure and then choosing the story that does justice to all we are and / or to all involved. Letting go is like a building a bridge. A bridge between the story we tell ourselves that is hurting us and the story that may be equally true, but would give us peace instead.

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Yesterday, it hit me: I’ve been here before. I’m not talking about reincarnation. I mean I have been at this exact stage of learning this same lesson. Last time I was here, I do remember me saying that now that I got it I would finally live my life the way I was meant to. Yesterday, I was about to say the same. But I didn’t. It suddenly occurred to me that although it may not have been the way I had had in mind, interestingly enough I had. 

Where some time ago I would have felt immense frustration for seemingly not moving forward, I now see that I have moved forward immensely. Maybe not on the outside, but very much on the inside. My image of myself and of the world has changed enormously, and therefore I have changed.  It is a 180˚ change. It may be what people call transformation. I have no doubt that this change will manifest in my life. As Abraham Hicks states: “That which is like unto itself is drawn.” All I have to do is keep moving in the direction of my dreams, inside and out, even if I seem to be moving at turtle speed.

image by Federico Stevanin 

A box standing at the foot of my bed. Symbol of what is happening in my life. I have been meaning to put it in the attic, but things have changed, and I now will bring it to charity instead. Someday. Soon. But not today. I’m not ready yet. 

In the box is nothing of great value, just some clothes that have been worn by my daughter. Clothes that I had hoped would someday belong to another girl, my girl, a sister to my daughter. It’s an image I have carried with me my whole life, me having two daughters. I did not know how attached I was to that image until I decided to let it go. Strangely enough, I have complete peace with that decision, because I know in my heart of hearts that is the right decision for me, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. 

That box is one among many. Some are physical, others mental. But they all have one thing in common, they will have to go. I know that, but I’m not quite ready, yet. And that’s okay.

We all have our ‘boxes’. Things and images we hold onto long after they had their use, that clutter up our homes and hearts. We all have boxes we need to let go off. We all have decluttering to do. Decluttering means clearing our lives of visible and invisible clutter. However, decluttering is not about randomly and rigorously throwing out boxes. Some are let go of easily, but others will take effort. An effort that respects our feelings towards its content, a process that makes peace with our new reality. The box at the foot of my bed needs some more bridging, a closing of the gap between what I know to be right for me on one side and my feelings on the other side. I know that day is coming, but untill it does, that box stays put. 

What I know for sure is that Life is dynamic. Life is a magnificent river of energy. And when we allow that energy to flow freely, our lives thrive. In order for our lives to thrive, we need to let go of anything that holds us back. We need to make room for the unfolding of what Life has is store for us.

today

I am

no different

than

I was

yesterday

but 

I see 

myself

differently

than I did

yesterday

and

that

makes

ALL 

the

difference

All my life, I’ve watched in awe how people around me seemed to take life so easily, how they took life less seriously, were less easily upset and did every thing with greater ease. My awe turned into frustration when it became apparent that I could not keep up with them. They had flourishing careers, some even combined with kids, and still had energy left to do things in the evenings and weekends. I seemed to get tired just by the mere act of living. From the age of seven I could see that my life unfolded differently than that of most others, but I did not understand why. I felt weird most of the time, different, not one of them.

Last week, I discovered my brain processes information differently than that of most people. It appears I am a rather sensitive type. Strangely enough, for the first time in my life, I don’t feel different anymore. My brain is wired differently, that’s all. And I’m no exception either, it appears almost one fifth of the population has my kind of brain. A brain that processes more information than the average brain, because somehow the information processing filter works differently. Apparently, I see, hear, smell, taste and feel more than most other people. Being highly sensitive to ordinary things like sun light, bright colors, disorganized spaces, crowds, loud, harsh or sudden sounds, the constant noise of traffic, and being hyperaware of my body, my emotions and those of others have made my life intense, regularly overwhelming and stressful, but most of all very tiring and frustrating.

All of a sudden, everything in my life is falling into place. Everything makes complete sense. That is amazing. And liberating. If you’d miss your thumbs you’d grab things differently. Imagine how frustrating life would be if you didn’t. So when your brain is easily overstimulated, you treat it differently than if that were not the case: you allow it more rest. It’s as simple as that.

If you can relate to some of the things I say, you may want to do this test. Elaine Aron is an expert on High Sensitivity and has done extensive research on the subject. She has written several books that may be of help.

Have you ever seen the movie Monsters, Inc.? It is a briliant DreamWorks movie about, you guessed correctly,  monsters. Monsters that hide in your closet and come out at night to scare the hell out of you. Monsters that will try to scare you to the max, because the harder we scream the more energy they get. In this movie, we meet Sully, a top scarer who holds the all time scare record. At first sight, Sully looks like a very large, huggable blue bear, but, at night, when he comes through your closet door to scare you, he seems to be this gigantic terrifying monster. And we meet Boo, a little girl of about 3 years old who is scared of closet doors because of Randal, her assigned monster. 

Like Boo, we all have monsters in our closet. When as children we are confronted with pain we cannot not deal with, because we have no vocabulary yet to frame it or no adult present to put it into words, we put it away. We literally store it, so we can deal with it later, when we are old enough to put it in perspective.  

It’s a situational thing. During the day, 3-year old children will not mention their monsters, they will play in their rooms as if nothing ever happened. But at night, when they go to bed, they are afraid of the dark and the monsters it holds. A closet isn’t just a closet anymore, it’s monster territory. Like little children, we not only become scared of the pain that’s inside of us, we become scared of the situations in which it shows itself. 

Its a developing thing. With helpless frustration, parents watch their 3-year-olds become more afraid of the dark every night. And it seems there is nothing they can do about it. Stored away pain will come back to remind us it’s still there, untill we have adequately dealt with it. It will come out of the closet every time we’re confronted with a similar situation. It doesn’t mean to scare us, but it does because we are reminded of a pain we didn’t understand and therefore was unbearable. And every time, we’re confronted with a similar situation and the pain we do not dare to confront because it feels completely overwhelming, we add to the fear. Accumulating pain upon pain, our monster gets bigger and bigger.  

It’s an irrational thing. Fortunately for parents, when children reach the age of four, the child gains in reason and can be persuaded to believe that monsters don’t exist. Of course, they do and kids don’t really buy into it, because they will only go to sleep when there’s light in the hallway and their door is open, but to most parents that’s good enough. As we get older, we kind of forget about the monster. We actually become very good at ignoring the monster and anything associated with it. Although, on the surface everything feels okay, the pain that resides just below the surface is still as real as it when we met it for the first time. And every time, someone touches on the subject of our pain, our stomachs tighten as this pain bursts through the surface. This feels so terrifying that instead of feeling fear, we often experience a sudden burst of anger or sadness which we project outward. This results in an out of proportion reaction to what just happened, usually leaving the recipients of our outburst baffled, angry or sad. 

The good news is that it’s a curable thing. We all have our assigned monsters, monsters that scare us the most. The top scarer is called ‘You’re not good enough’, closely followed by ‘No one loves you’. We either have a few small monsters in our closet or one humonguous monster. It really doesn’t matter, the recipe to get rid of them, is the same. For it to go away, we have to acknowledge it’s there and look it in the eye. We have to have the guts to sit in the dark, to watch our closet door open, to watch and hear that monster come closer, to feel the deep fear and pain arise, to resist the overwhelming urge to look or run away, to get sad or angry. When we do and have the courage to just sit still and do nothing, to look at it without judging it, we will finally see that the monster that causes our fear, in reality is just a huge, very huggable, blue bear, who scares because he cares. 

There are no words to describe 

the shift I felt inside

the sense of completion

never experienced before

There are no words to describe 

the light that shines inside

I am bright as the sun

I light the whole the sky

There are no words to describe 

the love I feel inside,

unadultered, unfading

and free of charge for all

There are no words to describe 

the freedom I sense inside

because no one or no thing

can take the Love I am.

In stead of climbing the carreer ladder, I have been given the opportunity to climb the spiritual ladder. It didn’t net me a wonderful position, a great salary, or outside validation. What it did bring me however is priceless. From being an insecure young woman with a death wish, I went to being a self-assured woman who intensely loves life and believes she is worthy of all she has to offer. No matter what else will happen in my life, there will be no bigger accomplisment than this. Everything else will flow from this.

Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? And it IS! But, it isn’t the whole story. See, paradigm shifts happen in an instant. Old thought patterns and behaviors, on the other hand, have to be replaced by new thought patterns and new behaviors. And this takes time. So here I am, with this radically new image of myself and the world at large, and thought patterns and behaviors that don’t match it, yet. These are growing pains.Have you ever watched a baby trying to execute a new idea and not being able to do it yet. Have you seen its frustration build with every failed attempt? Have you seen it get angry with frustration? Yes? Then you know where I am. 

I know without a doubt that wonderful things are happening and will happen, because I feel worthy of all I have to offer. And yet, my most practiced belief still is that wonderful things, read carreer and financial success, need to happen for me to be worthy. This creates an enormous tension within me, because the harder my old self tries to make things work, the more my wise self revolts and insists on doing nothing, which in return leads to a renewed zeal from my old self. After one and a half day of fierce resistance and the potentially catastrophic consequences it yielded, I’ve come to the brilliant conclusion that resistance is futile. So this is my plan: I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to sit still and do nothing. My old self won’t like this one bit and create an internal havoc of which I cannot predict the proportions yet, but it sure as hell won’t be a picnic. And that’s fine with me, I’ll just sit still and do nothing. I will love my old self. I will hold it and cherish it as you do a hysterically crying baby, until it wears itself out and falls asleep peacefully. I will just love myself until the message sinks in: I love myself unconditionally, no matter how much of a meltdown I have, I will see the perfection in me. I am perfect as I am. 

Two weeks ago, for the first time in my life, I felt the full alignment of me and ME. The feeling was undescribable. Everything clicked. I felt this amazing sense of peace and oneness. I felt perfect and whole, I felt worthy. What a feeling! Wow!

It lasted exactly one day. Then, part of it was lost again and I felt myself grow increasingly frustrated. What was wrong with me? Why could I not hold on to that feeling? Why did I feel  some of these old feelings of inadequacy again? Until it dawned on me that this is perfectly normal, that I am perfectly normal. And I remembered hearing stories of people who had resided in the palm of God’s hand and all their life tried to find that feeling again.

What I have learned in these last years is that Life’s path is not linear. To get to the next mountain top, you often have to descend a bit first. From an absolute point of view, your average altitude is higher than it was before the last peak. But it doesn’t always feel that way. Somehow, you remember the high of reaching that peak and have forgotten what it took to get there. You feel frustrated, because, in the normal bustle of things, you don’t feel as elated anymore. 

What I know for sure is that climbing this mountain range called life, with every peak you reach, you get a feel of what’s to come.  To reach that next summit, you’ll have to keep on going, relying on the skills that got you where you are and learning new skills in the process, because old habits won’t get you new results; every level requires that you perfect your skills and learn something new. 

So instead of getting more frustrated with every step, I’ve decided to put up my base camp. I will stay here for a while. I’ll get used to the altitude, to the reality of these new feelings  and I’ll practice the skills that go with it. Skills that, in time, will help me reach the next peak. I’m excited about being here, I love training these new skills and I am thrilled about the journey ahead of me. K2, here I come!

This is a love song

for people who look life in the eye,

who have the guts to really live,

to feel the pain and be transformed by it.

They see their life as it is,

and choose to cherish all of it.

This is a love song

for the Marthas, for the Anne-Maries

and the Ragnas of this world,

for men and women

who have the courage

to love their lives as it is.

This is a love song

for the life I’ve been given,

for the life I am living,

and the life I am birthing,

for the love it inspires 

and the lessons it teaches.

This is a love song

for everyone

who is willing to love life.

I’ve come a long, loooooong way. And yet, somehow, I never get where I want to be. With every destination I reach, my horizon expands and I’ll find myself en route again toward an even better destination. Where, at first, I found this road never-endingly frustrating, I’ve finally come to appreciate this process of constant expansion and fine-tuning. I am a work in progress.

The biggest lesson in my life, undoubtedly, is to fully appreciate who I AM and to own that, no matter what anybody else thinks of me. Coming from a place where, no matter how much I was loved, I did not feel loved, because at the deepest level, I felt unworthy, that is huge. Most of my life, I tried to feel loved through the act of pleasing. I tried to be the best daughter I could be, the best friend, the best everything. I had learned that pattern so early in my life, I didn’t know any better. When I was in my mid-twenties, it dawned on me that I was depressed because I was living my life through the expectations I thought others had of me. All of a sudden, I saw with clarity that with every externally motivated choice, I gave away my power and lost a precious part of myself. It was then, that the great undoing began. In the more than 10 years that have passed, I have undone my life of most of the over-painting (see True Colors). Slowly, but surely, I’ve gotten used to who I really AM. And finally, I AM ready to show the world my true colors. 

I AM me. As much as I care about you, I don’t care what you think of me. As much as I want you to be happy, I am not responsible for the way you feel. As much as I love you, I love me too. I AM me. I AM happy. I love having you in my life, but you are not the source of my happiness. My happiness comes from within. It comes from knowing my truth and having the courage to own it. It comes from loving myself to the extent that I don’t need your validation. I AM me. I do what I do, because it makes me love myself more. I say what I say, because it makes me feel better about myself. I AM who I am, because being me gives me more joy than anything else ever could. 

Letting go of my religion, was a rather resolute act. I was in my mid-twenties and unaware of the conflict my religious beliefs were creating in my head and heart. I was part of a very structured belief system, that not only included dogmas, but also involved a large part of my social life as my entire family and most of my friends were part of the same church. This environment was my home. In the new testament, Jesus says to Love God with all of your heart, all of your mind and all of your soul. In the protestant church that I was part of, there was an emphasis on the ‘mind’, and contrary to what most people may think, it was  a very rationalistic environment. Yet, unconsciously I did not dare to unleash my full mind power to all that I had learned, knowing deep inside that it would crumble and with it every feeling of security I had. My life was falling apart and I was trying to make sense of it all, when I met Tejo, a counselor. My life was saved the day I walked into his study. Despite all the things I told him that weren’t working, he wanted to focus our conversations on my religious beliefs. I must say I did not quite understand why at the time.

One day, in Tejo’s study, after answering his question ‘what do you believe?’,  he said in his impressively deep voice: ‘Sound theology, but what do YOU believe?’ I had just given him an answer to that question, so I was angry and shocked that he had not listened to a word I had said. And I wasn’t quite sure what he meant, either. But it was the end of our session and there was no room for questions, so I went home. Of course, the wise Tejo had heard every word I had said. In the two weeks that followed, like a mantra, repeating over and over in my mind, there was this question: ‘what do I believe?‘ The next time, I saw him, I knew that I didn’t know what I believed in. I wasn’t ready yet to let go of the church community  I had belonged to my entire life, but I was ready to let go of everything I had believed to be true until then.   

Most people have some kind of religion. Most religions aren’t as obvious or overt as mine was, most aren’t organized, and they certainly aren’t called religions, but they are religions just the same. Ironically, this is one of most powerful lessons my religion has taught me. The third of the ten commandments tells us not to worship any god other than God. To worship means to be devoted and full of admiration for something. And by gods other than God, the writer of these ten rules not only meant the false gods worshipped in the polytheistic cultures surrounding the people of Israel, but also and maybe even mostly the less visible gods of our minds, like for instance materialism, power and success, to name but a few. 

In the decade that followed, I learned a lot about the power of beliefs. Our minds feel comfortable when they can hold on to certain ideas. Our minds don’t especially care whether our beliefs are true or not, although we religiously believe they are. Our beliefs give us the sense of security and control that most of us are so desperately looking for. I’m not talking about the big G-belief  here. I’m talking about all the small and not so small beliefs that are hidden in invisible depts of our psyches, learned ideas that we have come to see as truths, because we or others repeated them often enough to ingrain them in our minds and make them part of the way we view the world and ourselves. 

What do I believe in? I believe in myself. As much as I used to rely on the outside validation of my belief system, nowadays I don’t attribute specific powers to things outside of myself anymore. I don’t need the bible or any science to back up my world view for it to be true. My safety comes from knowing that I’m good enough for myself to decide what feels true to me, or not. I believe we recognize the truths of who we are when we encounter them. Finding and accepting them feels extraordinary. It feels as if the pieces of a puzzle are falling into place, as if we are coming home to ourselves. And when we do, although our minds will undoubtedly play their best  unbelieving Thomas ever, we simply know in our guts that it is true for us, no matter what anybody else thinks.

So, at the end of this session, before we say our goodbyes, let me ask you, ‘What do YOU believe?’

Imagine two full milk cartons. Now imagine punching holes in one of the milk cartons. The milk is pooring out, and doesn’t stop until it has reached the lowest hole. Your assignment is to fill the carton with milk again, to the top. What do you do? I imagine you would think of a way to close the holes, as there would be no use in pooring milk in a carton with holes. No matter how hard you would try, you wouldn’t be able to fill it.  

Think of your mind as the milk carton and your emotional energy as the milk. Think of vibrant people you may know. I bet they’re appreciative, powerful, full of life, they never seem to complain, they laugh a lot and nothing ever seems too much. In their presence, the world feels brighter and you always leave them feeling better about yourself. They’re the full cartons of this world. Think of the not so vibrant people you may know. They most likely don’t laugh as much, they complain and worry more, they feel irritated and dissapointed more easily. Life doesn’t seem to be as good around them. They often think of their carton as half empty, and with good reason, because it is. 

Having a full or whole carton means your energy is contained within the boundaries of the carton. It doesn’t go anywhere, unless you want it to. And energy spent can be easily replaced again. However, it’s human to have a punched carton. The real question is not about whether we have holes, it’s about the position and the size of those holes. From the age of 7 or so, I remember having had a rather severly punched carton. These weren’t minor dents I had in my carton, but medium to big-sized holes. And they weren’t at the top of carton either, they were at least halfway down, sometimes even near the bottom. A lot of the time they were so big, they were not only draining my emotional energy, but my physical energy too. In these last years I have learned to locate those leaks and close them. 

Yesterday, I had an acute energy leak, which nowadays usually manifests itself as acute tiredness, resulting in impatience, frustration, snapping and not too uplifting thoughts. In that condition, it took me over half a day to recognize this wasn’t a normal physical tiredness. Finding the leak and stopping the leakage actually took less than half an hour. After that, my energy was back and up again within the hour, brimming. Finding energy leaks and restoring them is a mental and physical job. And unless you feel joyous, appreciative, loving and empowered all the time, it is one I higly recommend. 

The next time you feel bored, frustrated, irritated, worried or discouraged, instead of expressing it outwardly, turn inward and feel what is going on in your body. Sometimes it is obvious, mostly it is not. Feel the sensations, however unpleasant they may be. It may be the contraction of your muscles, the rushing of your blood or a certain numbness. Focus on what you’re feeling by simply directing your awareness to where you sense any offness. Now, use your intuition, ask yourself what this feeling is about, and trust your hunches however strange they may seem, they’re accurate about 100% of the time. Once you have determined the location of the hole, it is time to restore it. Most likely, thinking of the subject of your offness will make you feel even more off, with your thoughts and emotions stuck in a negative loop and your energy gushing out. Simply asking you to stop what you’re doing, won’t help. It’s like asking you not to think of a pink elephant. What I want you to do instead is find a new thought on the subject, one that causes a bit of relief. Relief will manifest itself as the relaxation of your muscles, a slower heart beat, tingling where there was numbness. You will feel slightly better. Then next, you find another thought that will make you feel slightly better, and another. 

This process involves small steps. Knowing the steps involved isn’t that important, it is learning to feel the subtle distinctions between thinking thoughts that make you feel off and thoughts that make you feel good, between thoughts that cause leaks and thoughts that restore leaks. With sustained practice, the holes in your carton will be restored from the bottom up. With every leak you close, it will be easier to manage your energy level. You will feel better about your life, about yourself.  

Resistance is born when we don’t allow ourselves to be our best selves. We all have an image in our hearts of what our best self is like, how he/she looks, feels, acts, what he/she does and has. This image feels natural and most of all very good. We feel good when we allow ourselves to be like that picture. However, while growing up, most of us were led to believe that this image was not complete or even true. We allowed our parents, teachers and peers to paint over this image what they thought to be true. And although they mostly meant well, they were not qualified. There is only one person in the whole world who knows who and what you are, and that’s you. You may not remember what your image looked like before everyone else started messing with it, but it’s still there, and intact. And better, you can restore it to its original glory.

You probably have heard stories of 17th century paintings that were being restored and re-emerged as new. These paintings were undone of the wear-and-tear of time, and sometimes of over-painting. Nowadays, with x-ray technology, we can even see entire paintings or parts of paintings that were concealed by over-painting, by either the painter himself, an apprentice of his, or an over-eager restorer. Our real job in this life is to be the restorer of our own self-image, to clarify who we really are. We have to find the parts of our image that are denser, where our light doesn’t pas through as easily, like an x-ray. The denser parts are those painted-over parts. We can feel them when we scan our inner-landscape. We sense resistance when we go over them. It’s the parts of our lives that feel off, where we don’t feel good about ourselves, where we feel we can’t meet expectations, where we feel like failures. It’s the things we really don’t want to do, but do anyway, because we think we should. Or the things we really want to do, but don’t, because we think we shouldn’t.The resistance we encounter is our wise self reminding us, this is not who you really are. Every time, we make a choice that is not consistent with our original self-image, our wise self will let us know. It will tell us there is a choice that better reflects our true selves.

Resistance only is a pointer, an indicator that this part of the image does not represent the real you. Interestingly enough, when we give ourselves permission to feel the resistance, we automatically see what is behind the over-painted parts. It may very well be that we have gotten so used to the way the image is now, that we feel resistance to our newly gained insight on what the original actually looks like. And that’s okay. Just knowing what is behind the unrightfully added paint, will take away some of that paint and will make our whole image clearer and brighter. With some of the resistance gone, we’ll feel better about ourselves, not just about the part we just discovered, but about the whole image we have of ourselves. And with time, we’ll get so used again to who we really are that we dare to remove those painted over parts and show our own bright colors, for all the world to see.

Growing up, life was centered around imperative principles. There were the ten commandments, and many other rules from the bible one should follow. Not living up to them meant commiting a sin. Nowadays, I choose to live without principles. That doesn’t mean I dismiss moral imperatives as useless, I actually think most long surviving instructions are valuable pointers to living a great life, but to me, they have lost their black-and-whiteness. Following them doesn’t make me a saint, and not following them doesn’t make me a sinner, either. Come to think of it, my life is not completely ruleless. I actually have one principle I live by: nothing in the world is more important than that I feel good. This may seem like an extremely selfish way to live, but hear me out and see if this approach is as selfish as you think it is or if it just may work for you too.

Have you ever noticed how water flows? It flows to lower places, never goes upstream. It goes around obstacles, never over them, unless of course going over actually is the easiest way. It takes the most natural course over a terrain, which almost never is a straight line. Water takes the path of least resistance. This characteristic doesn’t apply to water alone, all of nature behaves in that way, with the exception of humans, who try to go upstream most of the time, and who prefer going in a straight line, even if that means colliding with whatever is in their way. What I have learned this last year is to be more and more like water and I want to share with you how it that is making a difference in my life. 

You can do things because you feel you need to do them, because you feel you have to do them or because you feel you want to do them. Can you feel the difference? In the first two situations, you feel resistance and in the last you don’t. At school we have learned that resistance is the amount of opposition electricity, or energy, encounters in a conductor, in this case your body. Energy flows easily through materials with low resistance. But energy flows slower through materials with higher resistance and more power is needed to get the same result. Everything in nature contains some resistance, that’s part of being physical. The question is are you working with it or against it?

Our bodies respond differently to resistance and non-resistance. From that perspective, you can see our bodies like guidance systems. When our choices do not reflect our best selves, our bodies contract. And I mean that in a literal sense, our muscles and even our DNA tighten when we experience stress. Most of us have become so accustomed to this tense state that, to a certain degree, it feels normal, and we don’t notice how much energy we’re wasting. Resistance or stress, however, is an indication that we’re going upstream. When our choices are in our best interest, on an unconscious level we know, and we experience the sensation of relief. There is no contradiction, no pain, no difficulty, no stress. Our bodies soften, our faces relax and we can’t help but smile, even if it’s only slightly. Our breath is easy and deep. Feeling relaxed is the most clear indication that we’re going downstream.

By learning to feel the difference in your body, you can actually use it to solve dillemmas and help you make the right choices for you. I don’t only mean the big choices, like ‘Should I leave my current partner? or ‘Should I quit my job?’, I rather mean the small day to day choices we make. Let me give you an example.This morning, after a rather restless night, I woke up at 5:16am, 14 minutes before the alarm would go. I really wanted to get some more sleep, yet on some level, I also wanted to go running. Feeling grouchy about a perceived lack of sleep, I decided I would sleep some more and run after I had brought my daughter to school. So I crawled back under the cover, ready to go to sleep, when I felt a light, but unusual tension in my neck and shoulders and noticed that my heart was beating somewhat faster than normal. I tried to ignore this for a while, but it actually kept me awake. At that point, I didn’t directly decide to get out of bed anyway. I was resisting the idea of getting up, or better said, I was resisting the resistance I was feeling in my body that was telling me to get up and run. It is true that while laying with my head on my pillow, with my duvet at exactly the right temperature, I didn’t feel like running, but that was only part of me. My egoic self prefers self-indulgence anytime. My wise self, on the other hand, doesn’t care about likes and dislikes, its only interest is what is best for me. At 5:41, I finally gave into my body’s wisdom, got out of bed and ran. Strangely enough, it felt wonderful. I had a great start of the day and my day is unfolding perfectly. I know from experience, that if I had not gotten up, but stayed in bed for another one and a half hour, the resistance most likely would have persisted. Getting up, I most likely would have felt stressed, because of a perceived lack of time. I would feel like I had to choose between two things that feel equally important to me. Going for a run, would mean having less time to write, and not going for a run would result in feeling less energetic and less good about my myself and probably having a lot less inspiration. It’s a sure thing that I would have needed a lot more energy to create the same results. 

My wise self is now telling me that doing some cleaning would be a good idea, but my egoic would rather sit on the couch and read a book. How to soften your resistance will be a topic I’ll discuss shortly. Wishing you an easy flowing day.

My 4-year-old daughter has a boy in her class, she doesn’t like. According to her, he just isn’t very nice. When she talks about him, you would think she’s an angel and he’s a demon in the flesh. The other day, I said to her that he must have positive aspects too; I had noticed he had beautiful eyes, she disagreed. It is then, that I introduced the dark glasses and the pink glasses.

No matter how right we think we are, we are all biased. And although, we do have some bias toward the positive, our main bias is toward the negative. Most of the time, we’re wearing our dark glasses. Our brains are actually wired to see anything that is off, the negative aspects of people, things and circumstances. It’s an evolutionary trait. Our ancestors were the ones that reacted to every potential threat. The ones who did not, didn’t survive long enough to pass on their genes. Nowadays, in our relative safe lives, our brains are still focused on finding anything negative and our overreactive amygdalas still signal fight or flight at the slightest sign of danger, imaginary or real, releasing adrenaline too easily and too often. But where we used to use up that adrenaline in real fight or flight situations, now this stress hormone runs through our bodies for a prolonged period of time, widening our negative neural pathways, making it easier for us to think negative thoughts, repeat negative events in our mind and worry about all the things that may go wrong.

Wearing pink glasses, however, is much more conducive to leading a healthy and happy life. People with a bias toward the positive seem to meet chance more often and are considered lucky by others. Lucky? I don’t think so! People who wear pink glasses have a tendency to see the best in people and situations, they focus on solutions, see opportunities and seize them, because they believe things will work out fine. And they mysteriously almost always do. 

The good news is that we can train our brain to look for positive aspects. Even better news is that as we find more and more of them, our positive neural pathways widen and our negative neural pathways shrink, making it continuously easier to see good things happening to us and trusting they will.  

Some useful tips to switch glasses. Acknowledge that you don’t know the whole story. Be willing to give others the benefit of the doubt when they behave in ways that are different than you believe you would, if you were in their shoes. Look for things to appreciate about the person that is bugging you and the situation you don’t like, and express them. Don’t take yourself too seriously, smile! Or better, laugh, especially when you find yourself looking through dark glasses. And most of all, be gentle to yourself. Don’t hit yourself over the head when you don’t meet your own expectations. Appreciate yourself for who you are. Notice the best and dismiss the rest.

As for my daughter, she’s unwilling to put on her pink glasses when it comes to that boy. But I’m proud that she gets the concept and trust that, in time, she will prefer her pink glasses over her dark ones.

It’s been over a month since the play began and what I’ve learned in these last weeks is that although play comes in different forms, the energy of play is always the same.  When there is play, there is no resistance. Playing means letting go of preconceived notions, of musts and shoulds. It means being open to what is, right here and now, and finding beauty in whatever we’re presented with. Play is synonymous to love. Its energy is pure and clear. When we play, we love. It’s not the things we do that determine how we feel, it’s the energy we give to the things we do and to the things we need to do, but aren’t doing. Playing means doing what you love and loving what you do. Playing is doing what feels right to you, right now. It is doing what you need to do now, and love it. Whether it is engaging with a four-year-old, watching a movie, cleaning the bathroom or paying the bills.

Playing is balancing the act. Play is essential to our well-being. It is the natural energy booster that allows us to get things done while following our flow and nourishing our inner-child. The best thing about play is that it’s easy, fun, and did I mention cheap? Too easy for some, maybe. No need to install a new app, download a new tool or spend a lot of money on some kind of gadget or hyped course. All you have to do is let go of your internal rules, turn on your imagination and trust that all will be well. How about it, are you game?

Energy is one of those fleeting things in my life. One moment, I have it in abundance, the other it is gone. I just cannot seem to get a grip on it. Instead of getting frustrated and letting it ruin my mood, I now just go with the flow. I enjoy the slow rhythm of my life as it allows me to take it all in, not rush by. I allow myself to play more. I give attention to things that are meaningful to me, instead of getting caught up in the Illusion of it all.

While writing this,  I had an a-ha! moment.  When I have energy, I can get up in the morning and not stop doing until I go to bed. I can do so much, people around me get tired just by looking at me. Not having enough energy to do the things I want to do, simply is on the other end of the continuum. They are both out of balance states. If I can find a way to insert into my life things that move me on a soul level, things that give my senses a boost, things that rear my inner-child, I won’t run out of fuel anymore. If I can find ways to insert being in my doing, in ways that fuel me, I will fill myself up continuously.

Kitty is the most vibrant and (fun-)loving person I know. It is her challenge to make every day 100% FUN,  and she does. I surely could use more of her FUN energy in my life, so I’ve taken on her challenge – 30 Days of Play (read the article). I’m eager to find out if this approach to life will make a difference in my life. I will let you know regularly how I’m faring. Let the play begin.

When I turned thirty, I celebrated life. I celebrated the gift of choice. I celebrated the turn-around from wanting to die to wanting to live. I got healthy, both body and mind. I was strong and flexible in most areas of my life. Life got better and better. It got good to the point where, on some level, I secretly believed there was nothing more to be gained … and then all hell broke loose.

Sitting here, feeling a profound peace, I look back at almost two years of chaos and disruption and see the perfect orchestration of events that led to the lessons I needed to learn more than anything; to love myself fully and completely without outside validation; to shed the grief of living in constant fear of not being loved and the choices that  evolved naturally. 

This year, turning thirty-eight, I celebrate my life. I celebrate the freedom that comes through choice. I celebrate the turn-around from wanting to becoming. For the first time in my life, I am fully present. I’m not being kept back by limiting beliefs from my past; spending my time doing what I love most; marveling at the future that is awaiting, crafting it deliberately. For the first time in my life, there is no need to hold back anymore; I am free. 

‘Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers.‘  - Luke 6:44 

Last time, I wrote about doing The Work. As the method suggests I filled in a ‘judge-your-neighbor’ worksheet. I let my ego run the show uncensoredly. No matter how petty or ugly it was, I wrote it down. Until it could think of nothing to write about anymore. Then Byron Katie asked me to answer four questions for each statement that I made and again she asked that I not hold back. And finally, I had to turn my statements around. This was the most enlightening part of the exercise. My statement ‘He shouldn’t ignore me.’ became ‘I shouldn’t ignore him.’ and ‘I shouldn’t ignore me.’, which both were true and, of course, was what the exercise was all about.

Funny thing is, when you’ve done The Work, your work is done. Somehow on a subconscious level this exercise changes the way you look at life. It cleans the lense through which your see, and leaves you with a more accurate view on yourself and the world.

For me, the exercise has brought peace and joy in ways that I could not have imagined. When I get up in the morning, I’m eager to start my day. When things go differently than planned, I have no or at least a lot less trouble to accept the situation as it is and shift my attention to what IS working. But what is most surprising to me, is that I am completely at peace with the person and the situation that challenged me to do The Work in the first place. The anger and sadness have dissipated. When I met him again, last week, I felt completely at ease with the situation and I knew that nothing he would say or do, could take away my joy. And in that space that I had created for me to be myself and for him to be himself, I watched him open up a bit. What a blessing that was! 

Most people perceive me to be, among a lot of other things, a loving, peaceful person. And I am. With most people, most of the time. Yet, there is one person who pushes all my buttons. When I meet him, I immediately get tense. I expect the worse and my mind starts making up all kinds of negative stories. Even after I’ve met him, my mind won’t stop. For about a week, it will keep playing all kinds of scenarios to the point where it drives me crazy. With other subjects, I can easily divert my mind from unwanted thoughts to more pleasant thoughts, but with this one it feels like my mind is running the show, expressing shock, disbelieve, sadness and even anger. 

I have learned enough about human psychology to know that we see in others how we see ourselves. He and I, we mirror each other perfectly, and of all the people I interact with he has the most to teach me about myself. Yet, this awareness did nothing to change the situation. My ego found a bone to chew on and it simply will not let go.

The only way to stop my ego from chewing, is to take the bone away. That could mean, eliminate that person from my life, but better is to find a way to make peace with how I feel about the situation. So, I’ve started peace negotiations. With myself. I’m looking in this perfect mirror that has been presented to me in the form of a human being and look for me. I look at his behavior and see things about myself I did not want to see. I look at my reactions and they are revealing things I did not want know. 

It is a painful process, but most of all, it is liberating. With every look I take, I see myself clearer, I am more who I am meant to be and I slowly feel peace settling in places I have never felt it before. The inner work I’m doing is aptly called The Work and I recommend it to everyone who wants to get his ego in check.

I have an amazing daughter, Ella. She’s three and on November 30, she will turn four. Quite a monumental age, and although she will agree on that with you, it doesn’t make it in comparison to Sinterklaas‘ birthday, who’ll turn 1732 only five days later. For most kids, 5 december is the most exciting day of the year, and Ella is no exception. Like Santa, Sinterklaas is the bringer of gifts. When he arrives by boat from Spain, where he lives most of the year, in the evenings leading up to his birthday, children (and grown-ups) can put their shoes in front of the chimney, or behind the front door, as is our habit for lack of a chimney, to receive small gifts and pepernoten, if they’re lucky. The culmination of Sinterklaas takes place at December 5, when Sinterklaas will visit all the schools in the country and in the evening leave a bag of gifts in front on your door. Now, you may wonder why we are already talking December while September hasn’t even begun? Well, although Sinterklaas is still in Spain and won’t be arriving for another 79 nights, in our home, it seems as if he’s has never left. To Ella, he is very alive. A day won’t go by, without her talking about or inquiring after him. She adores Sinterklaas. She litterally lights up when she talks about him.



This week, while having another conversation about Sinterklaas, wondering how to go about it in a way that does justice to her, to me and to the spirit of Sinterklaas. I suddenly realized that what I really wanted was for her to preserve that eager anticipation when she’s growing up. To always find proof for that which she wants to see. To savor the process of creation while she’s making her dreams come true. To feel excited about her life and, maybe most of all, to know without a doubt that good things will always keep on flowing to her.  May Sinterklaas inspire us all to believe in an abundant Universe, no matter how old we are.

I love experiencing firsthand that good feelings attract more good feelings. I love that everything is constantly getting better in my life. I love the reality that I’m creating. I love feeling good for no reason. I love that feeling of flow and the expansion it causes in my body. I even love feeling off, for it is so wonderful to be able to choose thoughts that make me feel better. And when I do feel good again, it feels so much better than if I hadn’t lived that contrast. I’m learning to love the contrast for it helps me carve out the life I want. I’m learning to love my life no matter what is happening on the outside.  I love Life  and I love You for sharing it with me. Namaste, my friends.

Standing at the foot of a 2200-year old Sequoia, taking in its hugeness, I was moved to tears. This tree had risen to the occasion. It had survived forest fires and massive changes to its habitat. Although its crown had  been severed, it was still far over 300 feet.  Touching its bark, feeling its powerful energy, I was deeply aware that we came from the same Source and understood perfectly we were made of the same energy. I felt one with that massive tree, it instilled in me a sense of  a greatness I had not felt before. A humbling experience.

That tree had done nothing but be a Sequoia, its whole life. It started out as the tiniest of seeds, it sprouted and grew toward the light. Time, its nature to always seek the light, and the ingenious evolution of its 12″ thick bark had made that tree one of the largest trees on earth. I realized that I am like that tree. Sure, I will not live to be a 2200 years, but then again I don’t need to either, it is not my nature.  All I need to do is be who I was born to be. By chosing light over darkness anytime, no matter what, I will become all I was meant to be. Just like that Giant Sequoia.