Smokey Mirror

This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about what I perceive balance to be. To me, balance is a sweet spot where I move through life easily, where I find it easy to connect to the dream that is living in my heart and live it. Life feels natural and good, really good. Imbalance, on the other hand, feels off, always. I perceive imbalance from the moment I experience boredom, a sense of listlessness.
Imagine we’re walking the tightrope again. For me, listlessness or boredome would be the moment when I feel I’m not one with the rope anymore, I become aware of the fact that I have lost focus. What happens next is the result of my training, whether I react or respond.

Reacting is going with the resistance, thinking things like: “I can’t believe that photographer used a flash, how stupid.” or “I can’t believe I got distracted by a flash, I’m such a cow!” or  “Here we go again, lost my balance, this is gonna take ages, now I have to regain my balance again before I can walk again, I hate this!” or “O no! I’m gonna fall! I’m never gonna regain my balance again, I suck at walking the tightrope!” Going with these feelings of resistance leads to more imbalance and before I know it, I am swinging back and forth on my feet, fighting to stay upright. Sometimes, my reaction to the perceived imbalance is so strong that I lose my balance completely and fall. What I have learned is that in order to fall I must have lost sight of my vision of all that I can be.
Getting on the tightrope, be it for the first time or the zillionth time, requires that you are aware of the tightrope. In order for you to live your best life, you have to know it is there, waiting for you, always. Then  you have to get up there. Getting up there means doing things differently than you did them before, instead of walking the ground floor, you have to climb the stairs, just a few steps or many meters, depending on where you are in your mastery of walking the tightrope.

Walking the tightrope literally is moving on a different level. To be clear, a tightrope walker is a top athlete. Top athletes are aligned with their vision, they have learned to stay balanced long enough to do their trick. What differentiates top athletes from amateurs is their ability to focus and their willingness to stay focused. Top athletes will do anything to make their vision come true. Their lives are in service of their vision, their lives are geared to excell. To excell they need focus and balance and they foster those by taking care of their body, mind and spirit through food, rest and physical, mental and spiritual exercise. They do what needs to be done, they live their vision to allow it to unfold. This seems paradoxical, but it is the only way to do it. For me that means that what I need to do – the quality of my food, rest and exercise – to get balanced and stay balanced are just as much part of my vision as walking the tightrope is.

Taking top athlete care of myself helps me to respond to imbalance in a constructive way.  When balance is part of my vision, when I focus on being balanced in order to walk the tightrope, I know that focus precedes balance. When I lose my balance, I can see that I have lost my balance because I lost focus, I am no longer aligned with my vision. When I am physically, mentally and spiritually fit I know that I can consciously regain focus by thinking a thought that brings ease, that relaxes my body and mind. You see, being balanced holds the middle between being focused and being relaxed. What creates instant ease and relaxation for me is compassion. I might need to play with my thoughts a bit before I hit a thought that feels right. The first thought I introduce might be: “No problem, everybody looses balance,” but when my mind retorts “what do you mean ‘no problem’!, it is a huge problem, because….”, then I start looking for a thought that may feel better and I might come up with: “you will be fine, just take a few slow breaths,” and somehow that clicks with me because that has helped me before. So I take few breaths, I feel my body getting more relaxed with each breath, I can feel the distribution of my weight on the rope.  And I think to myself: “That’s better, so far so good.” I relax my body and mind some more and I do feel more confident than I did a few breaths ago. “This may work. I may just pull this off.” Just feeling that thought creates more ease. “I think I will be fine. Just breath and focus on the rope.” Finding my balance. “I can do this. I am getting to the other side.”  Taking a step. “This feels good!” Taking another step. “I love walking the tightrope!”, walking with ease now, “There is nothing better than this. I am the master of the tightrope. Let’s do some tricks!”

Living my vision is not about doing tricks, but it is about a pure Love for Life that inspires tricks. Living my vision, walking the tightrope is about knowing my true, unlimited nature and living it, it is about being free and feeling ecstatic. That doesn’t mean I won’t loose my balance from time to time, or even fall off the tightrope completely, but that’s part of the thrill. If walking the tighrope would be completely safe, I might as well be exercising on ground level.

photo by Lies Meirlaen

Somehow most years come with a theme for me. Where last year’s theme was healing, this year’s theme is balance. I need balance to function optimally, to live my best life. I’m guessing that’s universal. The ingredients, most likely, are universal too – nurturing foods, rest, exercise, quiet time, play time. But what these are, how these are mixed and what balance looks like for you will be very personal.

My balancing act is not juggling as many balls as possible. My challenge is walking a tightrope, putting one foot in front of the other, not swinging more than I can handle, not falling off. Some days, I’m actually balanced enough to walk some steps. Those days feel awesome, I feel like I understand the trick and I’m invincible. But most of the time, I’m doing my best to stay on the rope, regaining my balance. I am getting better at regaining my balance and then be able to walk some steps again. Sometimes, I get out of balance too much and I fall.

Balance for me is a very fine line, I don’t have much wiggling space. My brains are more sensitive to input than most people’s brains, this means that my brains need to process more input and that takes more time. When I don’t manage this process well, I get overstimulated and I don’t function well until my brains get time to process it all. I am slowly learning to live with that, and interestingly it has allowed me to learn one or two things that I would not have come up with otherwise.

There is one ingredient that helps you keep balanced more than anything, and that is compassion. Compassion not only counteracts negative momentum, it creates mental balance when you need it most. Living without compassion is like walking the high wire without safety net. Compassion is reminding ourselves of what it means to be human. It is seeing that every person carries a unique story that has shaped their views and behavior, including you. Your story is as valid as everybody else’s story and vice versa. Everyone does the best they can, including you. Your best is not only different from my best, it also is different from moment to moment, and so is mine. Beneath our story, we are one.

When I am balanced, I know this, it is easily accessible. When I’m out of balance or have fallen off the rope, knowing this takes effort, but of all the things I could do to get balanced again, compassion takes the least effort and creates the most dramatic results.  When I’m out of balance, I don’t make the wisest decisions. When I fall, things are worse, and apart from feeling physically ill, I am upset with having fallen, again. It usually takes some time before I get to the place where I can say: that’s life, falling is part of life, and when you know better you do better. When I say those things to myself, I can feel my body and mind relax a bit and that feels so good that I cannot help but focus on it. And before I know it, although it doesn’t look like it, I know that I am doing the best I can at that moment, and that my best is different from moment to moment. Feeling the truth of these thoughts gives even more relief. It helps me cope with things like snapping at my daughter, it creates the space I need to help us both let go, and to do better next time. When you feel compassion towards yourself, you are forgiven upfront for your wrongdoings and you are able to love yourself for who you are, you are able to see the best of yourself and live the vision that is unfolding in your heart.

Balance is a state of mind. When your mind is balanced, body and rope move as one, there is no telling where your body ends and the rope starts. You know when to move and how to move. If you have ever seen an act on the tightrope, you may have noticed that after a risky move the artist waits before continuing. I imagine she waits for her body to merge with the rope again. Balance is created, always in the present moment. Balance is going with the flow, or rope in this case, moving with it, obeing it, trusting it. Balance is a choice that is made anew again and again and again. You cannot stockpile balance. You can create conditions that are favorable, but you cannot trick or cheat your way into it.

There is no balance without compassion, they are inseparable. Balance and compassion are one. Balance is seeing that your story is as valid as everybody else’s, that your life, however you choose to live it, is equally important. Balance for me is being at peace with not being able to do as much as I want to do, taking small steps in the direction of my dreams. And recognizing that, for me, nothing creates more imbalance than feeling resistance towards that. The thing I need to learn most is to wait for the rope and my body to merge again. I now know that I am capable of doing phenomenal things on the tightrope. And I am finally getting to the point where I see that the extent to which I allow myself to become one with the rope again defines the act I will be able to pull off. I can only muster that amount of patience when I feel compassion towards myself, when I don’t judge the parts that I don’t understand yet, when I dare to obey the rope and trust my body.

I really would love to learn from you. What does balance look like for you, how do you maintain it. What has it taught you? Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts.

photo by Taro Taylor

I remember really wanting to go to Art School. Instead I ended up studying French Linguistics and Literature. For all the wrong reasons. After a year of pushing myself, I knew  I made a humongous mistake, but not wanting to rock the boat, I continued to the point where I got my Master’s degree. After five years of hard work, I felt no pride, just relief.

As the people around me moved forward on what seemed to be a logical course, I had no clue who I was or what I wanted. I was stuck. For all of my life, I had followed other people’s directions. Now life had come to a screeching halt and nothing I tried worked out. Faced with my deepest fears, I hit rock bottom. A blessing in disguise, in retrospect, as it forced me to make a choice. I choose to live, really live. I decided I was going to get happy, not just happy, but as happy as humanly possible. The only thing was, I had no clue how. So, I went to the library and started reading self-help books by the dozen. Most of them didn’t make any sense, only some did, just a bit.

I worked out a vision for my life and started to pursue goals to get there. I did not realize that most of my vision was constructed, that I was pursuing goals that weren’t mine, or that I was numbing the pain pursuing them. But I did the best I could and I was happier and more empowered than I had been in over 20 years. I got fit, physically, mentally and emotionally, but the thing I still wanted most, a career, remained elusive. It frustrated me more than anything. When it came to work, everything felt backwards. Whatever I did,  I had this constant nagging feeling that this was not what I was supposed to do. What is it I need to do? What is my calling? I would ask over and over again. It felt like going in circles. I wasn’t finding any answers, at least not where I looking for them. Instead, I got answers in places where I wasn’t looking, and it took some time, read years, before I recognized a pattern.

When my daughter was born, the first time I looked into her eyes I knew that she was part of my purpose. I knew I was meant to be her mom. A few years later, when I was healing a series of life-long traumas, I knew that too was part of my purpose. I knew I was meant to heal the overwhelming pain that had been stored in my soul. And there was peace, deep peace in knowing that. And somehow that peaceful knowing gave me the strength I needed to go on. After years of searching for my life’s calling, last year I finally realized that it is our purpose to live the life our heart is dreaming for us. And that when we do, we unlock our calling. Our calling is a deep knowing that surpasses the mind. It can’t be grasped rationally, but it feels natural and logical. Our calling is in the things we keep getting back to. It is in the things that give us peace and joy. It is in the things where we feel most connected to ourselves and others. It is in the things that make us feel unequivocally good, because on the deepest level of our being we perceive a vibrational match. And because who we are in that moment resonates with the dream that is living in our heart, we feel purpose.

Sometimes, it takes years for us to see. Or at least for me it did. But once we are willing to accept that our vision can’t be rationally explained, once we dare to follow that quiet whisper off the trodden path, then things mysteriously start falling into place.

photo by Leonardini

Over the last weeks, I mentioned the vision we all have for ourselves, a deeply personal vision of all we can be. This vision is not a constructed idea of all that we think we should be, do and have, it rather is growing despite of it.
I believe we are governed by an evolutionary principle that is creating and organizing life. We are not only governed by it, we are part of it, all of us, allowing it to create and evolve through us. Our vision is our personal interpretation of this universal principle, it is where our personality and the evolutionary principle meet. Allowing this vision to unfold freely allows life to evolve abundantly. For life to unfold through us unhinderedly, we need to let go of all that is holding us from living a great life.

In the age we live in, we equal a great life with a grandiose life and we feel like we need to take giant steps to get there. In our quest for this grandiose life, we are tempted to believe that growth only happens when we push ourselves. Yet in most of us, this idea creates such resistance that we just don’t do it. It simply feels too big. As a result, most of us feel like we’re falling short, like we’re not measuring up. I tell you, this is not true. We all do the best we can. Everyone of us is exactly where he or she needs to be. You are perfect as you are, and to grow into the vision of all that you are, you don’t need to push yourself to the limit. Growth is natural, it can be optimized, not forced. The same is true for letting go. They go hand in hand. In nature, this is beautifully illustrated by the snake shedding its skin when it has outgrown it. The snake slides forward inch by inch, and in moving forward it lets go of its old skin. Life is inviting us to move forward, to evolve. Evolution is a gradual process. When we gradually move forward, we automatically leave behind the things that don’t serve us anymore. Living our vision doesn’t mean that we are living the end result, because there is no fixed end. Like life, our vision is ever-evolving. Living our vision means living towards our vision, shifting our self-image as we go.

We all have a bandwidth in which we navigate with relative ease. The middle matches exactly with our current self-image, it is where we feel most comfortable. At the bottom is the self-image we are shedding and at the top is the self-image we are growing into. Both outer ends are pulling at us, the lower because it is what we know best, and the upper because of the promise it holds. Yet both feel uncomfortable, the bottom because it doesn’t fit anymore and the top because we aren’t ready yet to show our new colors.
Living our vision is leaning into the upper half of our bandwidth, only just above the middle. By that I mean either finding the best feeling thought you have access to and focusing on it until it feels so real that you start acting from it. Or if you prefer the process to be the other way around, practicing a slightly improved habit until it feels natural. This way, without you truly realizing it, the image you have of yourself is evolving in the direction of your dreams. It is an inch by inch process, but if done consistently your new self-image starts showing and the old starts coming off.  And then one day, without forcing anything, your old ‘skin’ is gone and you realize you have completely grown into the self-image your heart had envisioned for you. This new you feels natural and logical.  And because your heart follows the same evolutionary principle, new dreams are ligned up for you and the process continues. For this is true, there is no limit.

Photo by Thomas Picard

In the past weeks, I always had an article up my sleeve. This week, I came to the shocking conclusion that I had run out of articles in a week where most of my time had already been allocated. Tuesday, I started writing frantically. Everything I tried didn’t work. With every minute that passed, I got more frustrated. “But tomorrow it is Wednesday. I want to post on Wednesday.” was playing in my head like a broken record. I got stuck, completely stuck.
On Wednesday morning, it finally dawned on me, I was not going to publish a good article that day, however much I wanted to. I had to make a choice between publishing an article that was not up to my standards or not publishing at all. Now I don’t publish for the sake of publishing, I publish because I want to make a difference. So the choice was simple, but it turned out to be not so easy.

Like you, I have a vision growing on the inside that wants to come out. It’s a gorgeous dream. And part of me can’t wait for it to be a physical reality. Yesterday morning, that part had a break down. “What if this is never going to happen?” it wailed. “What if I do the best I can and it proves not to be good enough?”, “What if no one will like what I write?” “Why would anyone want to read my writings anyway?” It was ugly. And it was untrue.
You see, it is happening. I am doing my best, and people tell me that they love how and what I write. But the three-year-old girl that is still living inside of me wants it now. She has to see to believe. And if I don’t hand her what she wants on a silver platter, she’s going to kick and scream.

What I know for sure is that things happen at the speed that you allow them to happen. The speed at which things happen is in inverse proportion to the resistance you are feeling. And that’s good, it means that things come our way when we are ready for them to happen. If my dream would unfold over the course of a night, it would knock me completely of my socks the next morning. I wouldn’t know what hit me. I would not be ready. My vision is unfolding at a pace that fits me. All I have to do is allow for it to unfold. Let’s see if I can make this more tangible.

Over 8,5 years ago, we moved from the city to the country. I had always travelled by bike, bus and train, but then I needed a car. The day I figured that out, I immediately started browsing the internet for cars. I was dreaming of a BMW roadster, but I was looking for a Toyota Starlet. We actually did have the money to buy a secondhand BMW, but not only wasn’t I comfortable spending that kind of money on myself, I wouldn’t have been comfortable driving it either. I was however ready for a car. The next day, we went to see granddad and he told us he was selling his car. It was the ugliest car I had ever laid my eyes upon, but it was running like a clock, it was bigger than a starlet, it had the right price and it was available.
Interestingly, when people saw me arrive in that car they would always be flabbergasted and comment that they had expected me to drive in a much fancier car, and they would always name a car that was very much like the car I was dreaming of. But I wasn’t ready yet. In the past 6 years, I have often prayed that my car would go to car heaven, but it turned out to be a persistent little bugger. I would dream of better-looking and safer cars, but on some level I wasn’t ready to take the necessary steps. In the past year, healing life-long traumas and letting go of so much emotional baggage, my self-image has drastically changed – it finally got up to speed with who I have grown into.
A few weeks ago, driving on the highway, praying for a miracle, or should I say a new car, I heard such a disturbing sound that I decided to stop on the emergency lane. It turned out I had a flat tire. The man who came to replace my tire told me that all my tires had to be replaced because the rubber of the tires was breaking down. It was the answer to my prayers. It was as if the Universe knew I just needed a little nudge in the right direction.
That evening, browsing the web, I did not look for the cheapest car. This time, I set a budget and looked for the car that I loved the most. One and a half week ago I found and bought the perfect car for me. It has every feature I hoped for and more. Yesterday, driving to the dealer to pick her up, I felt nervous. I had clearly grown out of my old car, but my new car was still at the upper end of my comfort zone. When I stepped into my new car, that feeling vanished. Driving home felt soooo good! I could not have imagined that having a car could possibly feel so delicious. It feels perfect. I am ecstatic. I just keep grinning.

Even though driving this car thrills me, it is my journey towards becoming this person who has allowed this car to become a physical reality that thrills me even more. My vision is unfolding, this car is physical proof.

In the previous posts, I’ve discussed overexpectation and overgeneralization as cues to stop thinking and start feeling. The last cue I’ll be discussing (for now) is overreaction. I’ve saved this cue for last, as it is the trickiest. It is a broad subject. You could even say that overexpectation and overgeneralization are forms of overreaction.

An overreaction is any sudden compulsive reaction that is out of proportion to what just happened. What makes this difficult to selfdiagnose is that you don’t recognize your  overreaction as out of porportion or illogical. To you, it is not only normal, it is completely logically and any other reaction would be viewed as abnormal.
One moment nothing is the matter, the next you’re livid, blaming others, bursting with tears, victimizing yourself, unable to speak, experiencing a social freeze, hitting the bottom of a tub of Ben & Jerry’s or the limit on your credit card, finishing the fifth cigarette in five minutes or your third glass of scotch. You may also experience Read the rest of this entry »

In part 7 in this series on letting go, we covered overexpectation and how to deal with it in a way that is empowering. In this part, we’re going to do the same for overgeneralization. While a generalization is unspecific, most generalizations are true (like this one). Overgeneralizations, on the other hand, are always untrue (even this one).

Cue 2: words that indicate overgeneralization, the all-or-nothing words – always, ever, never, no one, everyone, everytime, everything, anything, nothing. Our mind has the tendency to overgeneralize, distort or delete information. There is nothing wrong with that, that is just the way our brain works. And if it is working for you – “I always win the lottery.” -  then I wouldn’t change it. The thing is, in most cases it isn’t. Negatively stated  overgeneralizations often feel like an attack. When we feel we are being attacked our body gets into fight-or-flight mode as a result. When our body gets in that state, our amygdala heats up, ready to sound the alarm. To take leadership of your thinking, you have to challenge your mind.
“She never listens to me!” When you hear an overgeneralization, you Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to part 7 in this series on letting go. If you’re new, here’s part 1 and if you missed one, here’s part 6.

Let’s bring to memory part our first session of the Mind Agility Training. I asked you: If the training field were to represent your life, what course are you going to run? What do you dream for your self? What vision for your life is growing on the inside? What do you want to give birth to? Who is it that longs to come out and show herself to the world?
Pause obstacles are spaces designed to become still, this stillness allows for self-awareness to emerge, which helps us connect to the vision we have and make choices that are in alignment with it.

To train our mind to pause we’re going to combine our mind’s ability to recognize patterns  with the command ‘pause’. Imagine the dog running over the field, like a whirlwind, going over and under obstacles. When it comes to the pause box you say ‘stop’, ‘wait’ and after several seconds ‘go!’.
Let’s make the pause box a simple designated area on the ground. The first time the dog encounters the pause box, it will most likely pass it without noticing. Our job is to associate our command ‘pause’ with certain cues. As I said in the previous article, our minds are very good at recognizing these cues. All we have to do is activate our inner-Google, type our query in the search box and hit the looking glass button. After we have done that our mind will start highlighting thoughts that match our search query.  There are several kinds of cues we can instruct our mind to look out for. Read the rest of this entry »

Welcome to part 6 in this series on letting go. (if you’re new, go to part 1 or if you missed getting out of the thread wheel go to part 5) In the past two articles, I did write on letting go, and although I recommend you read them if you want to learn more about the process of letting go, I did not include them in the series for the simple reason that they didn’t fit the format. Today, we’re going to continue the Mind Agility Course. And have a got a great subject for you, training your mind to pause on purpose. Such a powerful concept. So excited.

In dog agility, pause obstacles are marked off areas where the dog must pause, by either sitting or lying down for a designated period of time, usually about 5 seconds. Imagine a dog running full speed through the various obstacles and then when it arrives at the table, instead of crossing it one way or the other, as it does with all the other obstacles, it has to stop. You would think that it is a difficult exercise, however it is not, for the dog it is like any other exercise. Like our mind, the dog’s mind works with cues. The new cue is a marked off area, like a table or a box, which means stop. In these exercises, we’re training to stop the mind on purpose, even when it is going full speed.

Our minds are used to running around, simply because we have let them for so long. No more. If we want to get to the finish smoothly and quickly, we must teach our mind to follow the cues. In this exercise, we will train our mind to stop when it sees marked off areas designed for stopping. The reason we want our mind to stop is so it won’t keep running as it usually would. By stopping, we interrupt the normal flow of things. And in that moment, awareness is born.

What do I mean when I say, ‘awareness is born’? Read the rest of this entry »

Letting go is a process of releasing what is weighing us down and consequently holding us back. Letting go is the releasing of energy that we have stored in our bodies and minds. When we resist something, the energy contained in the event is stored. Everything is energy vibrating at different levels. Everything in the Universe is vibrating in and out of existence. The slower the vibration the more solid we perceive it to be. On some unconscious level, we know a rock to be more solid than our bodies, and a pansy to be less solid. When we resist what is happening in the moment, we resist the flow of life,  we don’t allow the vibration of an event to pass through us. Every trauma is stored away energy, and everytime it is activated and we don’t allow it to be released, we add to it. Everytime we add to it, the vibration slows down and this package of energy that we are holding onto is becoming more dense. At first it may have been just be a twig in the flow, but before we knew it we created a dam and it is blocking the flow, considerably if not almost completely. We built it to feel safe, at first it worked for us but when we grew up it  and kept adding to it, it started working against us. Now we have to let it go to feel safe again, let go of the pain and the fears that hold us back. Letting is coming full circle. Letting go will allow you to be who you have always wanted to be.

I started the deconstruction of my dam over 10 years ago. I did not really know where to start, so I just took twig after twig. At times, the water would start pooring through and I would fear the unleashing of all that water, the loss of control, and I would Read the rest of this entry »

My experience is that the process of letting go can’t be forced, only allowed by welcoming EVERYTHING that happens in your life as an opportunity to let go of thoughts and emotions that aren’t working for you. I have made it my primary intent to let go of anything that holds me back from living my full potential. By focusing on that intention, the willingness to go through everything life offers to me and being appreciative of every vessel for transformation, no matter what it looks like, I not only attract into my life plenty of opportunities to let go, I’m also gaining momentum. I have attracted plenty of seemingly pretty shitty experiences, and I got completely stuck in the overwhelming pain some carried. With time I got through them, and although in retrospect, with the knowledge I have now, it sometimes feels like I have wasted time being stuck in those situations, I KNOW that at the time I did the best I could and I feel deep appreciation for all the lessons they provided and the insights I have gained through experiencing them which have brought me where I am today. And by allowing and releasing the pain and fear that is  activated within me, my pain body has become and is becoming less dense and the experiences I am attracting today are of a different quality than before and help me to let go even faster.

What I know for sure is that letting go starts with saying ‘YES’ to all of life’s experiences, not just some. So often we push away what we don’t want to experience and equally crave the experience of what we do want. When you open yourself up to every experience, the pain and the joy, the craving and the resistance, you unlock the door to a life more magnificent than you ever dreamt of. Say ‘YES’ to all that you are. Most of us only love and accept parts of ourselves, or maybe we merely like them. For the most part, we try to suppress the unwanted parts and punish ourselves for feeling and acting a certain way. When you have the courage to allow all of yourself, even the parts you fear to show most, you will be equalized, you will be in harmony with yourself. And in that state, you will line up with the grandest version of yourself.

When you start seeing your life and your personality as means of transformation, as ways to become free of pain and fear, you will start seeing the blessing in every moment. Everything life hands you, will become a gift. You will learn to see that the wrapping does not affect the quality of the gift. You will rediscover the joy of unwrapping and the delight of receiving a personalized gift. Life will become awesome.

May you welcome every opportunity life has to offer to you right NOW and allow your life to help you let go of all the thoughts and emotions you have carried with you for too long. May you be free. Namasté.

(part 5 in a series on letting go, click here to read part 1 or part 4)

Most of us have a hard time accepting. Somehow we feel that by accepting something we don’t like, we give it our stamp of approval. Or worse, accepting equals hitting the like button. That is not the case. Acceptance means that we stop resisting what has happened and what is happening as a result. Acceptance is key in becoming a calm and assertive leader. Only when you have accepted where you are now and what isn’t working for you, you are in a space where you can see new possibilities and take the neccessary steps towards realizing your vision. Restistance, or stress, contracts our brain and impairs our ability to think creatively. The more we resist what is happening, the more likely it is that we will not find a way out of it. It’s like a dog on a tread wheel that keeps running to get out. Ironic, isn’t it?

In our brain, we have an alarm system and an emergency alert system. When the alarm goes off, the emergency alert system is activated, which readies our body for the so-called fight-or-flight response. These systems increased our chances of survival drastically when we were still living on the savannah surrounded by hungry lions. When faced with a lion, our ancestors had no choice but to deal with it. Accepting a situation as it is has nothing to do with resigning or giving up. It means dealing with the present moment. When in a life-or-death situation, Read the rest of this entry »

(part 4 in a series on The Art of Letting Go, click here for part 1 or part 3)

In this test your dog is on one side of a sway bridge. You know the kind that always wobbles. Your dog tried one paw on the first step and decided it isn’t going to cross that bridge. It has its tail between its legs, it’s whimpering softly. It is your job to get the dog from one side to the other. You may not recognize the situation, but it is very common. For most of us, most of the time, our mind is standing on that one side, saying “I AM NOT brave enough to cross that bridge, I AM a loser!”, seemingly unable to go to the other side where you could say with proud “I AM brave, I crossed that bridge”.  I AM going to help you let go of your limiting inner-speech by teaching you how to cross that bridge step by step.

Your thoughts shape your words and your words shape your reality. Whatever you think about a subject, influences how you react to it and what you do about it. When you are used to thinking of yourself as a failure, you will think like a failure, talk like a failure and this way you will draw into your life the act of failing. The fear of failing causes a stress response. Stress causes you to contract. In a contracted state of mind, you are focused on problems and cannot access the solutions to these problems. This way your inner-speech becomes a self-fulfilling profecy. The highway to success in any domain of your life is to change your inner-speech.
What do you say to yourself repetitively? Which automated negative thoughts shape your reality? Do you tell yourself: “I’m so weak”, when you don’t keep your resolutions, or “I’m so clumsy” when things goes wrong, or “I’m so stupid” when you don’t know an answer directly. Who has planted these negative seeds in your mind that you have allowed to take root? See that they are not yours to begin with. How do you feel when you believe that statement to be true? See the effect this thought has on your feelings, words and actions.    Does this limiting self-talk help you be who you want to be? Are you willing to be held back by these thoughts?

When your mind is whimpering “I AM weak”, it is YOU who has to see the other side. It is you who has to determine how you get your mind to cross the gap, it is you who has to lead your mind to the other side, to face its fears and cross that wobbly sway bridge. You wouldn’t let your dog cross that bridge if it were too dangerous. You know that it will reach the other side safely. It is your job to create trust and lead your dog to the other side safely, even if you have never crossed that bridge before and don’t know exactly what is on the other side. You have to trust your heart’s vision. You have to trust that it will lead you safely to the other side. You have to trust that the other side is where you need to go, simply because your heart inspired you to go there. Even if you have no way of knowing for sure that the other side is the right side, you cannot let your mind know. You have to fake it till you make it.

When I was ill for almost 2 years, this is what I learned. When I was feeling exhausted, my rational mind would repeat incessantly “I AM so incredibly tired”. After  a while, I discovered that I spoke and moved my body more slowly when I had that thought. Believing that thought made me feel even more tired. So I started playing with it. Instead of focusing on being ill, I started focusing on feeling healthy. Instead of focusing on being tired, I focused on being energetic. That’s when I learned the act of bridging. If the gap between where you are and where you want to be is too big to make it in one leap, you’ll have to feel your way towards your goal. If I would have said to myself “I AM energetic”, while laying in bed, feeling exhausted, my rational mind would not have believed me. It just would have retorted. “Yeah right, and pigs fly. You’re completely exhausted, that’s what you are.” I learned to trick my mind by finding a statement that was close to the way I was feeling, but slightly better and phrased positively. It may be as simple as “I AM feeling more energetic than yesterday.” I would focus on that thought as if my life depended on it, and when I could feel the truth of it, I would find an even better feeling statement. “I AM feeling my energy increase.” I would play this game a lot, and without knowing it my mind and body were finding new steps, slowly crossing my sway bridge, until one day they reached the other side and were united with my vision for me. Today, I AM energetic. Today, my mind and body are crossing a new bridge, finding their way to “I AM an Energizer Bunny” and I love it! I AM so looking forward to feeling even more energized than I AM today.

Not all our limiting and self-sabotaging I AM’s are as clear at the example above. You define yourself in all kinds of ways, all the time. You may say, “I AM a gourmand”, unintentionally giving yourself permission to indulge in food, or “I AM just a C”, inadvertedly giving your brain the command to stop looking after a certain while, because you are ‘not smart enough‘ to find the solution. Or you say to yourself, “That’s who I AM”, unconsciously reinforcing the belief that you are powerless and unable to change your behavior.

Eventhough you may not see or feel the truth of it yet, you are SPECIAL, you are TALENTED, and you are GORGEOUS. Now, listen to your inner-speech. Which I AM’s are keeping you from all that you already ARE on the inside? Which I AM’s are keeping you from living your vision. Then ask yourself, which I AM is standing on the other side of this gap? How can you help your mind take a new step? Which statement in the direction of this new truth would feel true enough for your mind to believe? Which statement do you feel calm and assertive about? Which statement do you know to be attainable? Try the new statement. See how your mind reacts. When you feel resistance, find a statement that is even closer to where you are. When you feel no resistance, focus on your new thought. Write it down, repeat it aloud, do whatever it takes for your mind and body to feel the truth of this new step, to feel confident about it. Repeat these steps until you it reach the other side. This way your mind will keep up with the vision you have for your life. When you keep moving forward there will always be new dreams to live and new bridges to conquer. Somehow crossing new bridges doesn’t get less scary, but you’ll get more confident and you get to enjoy the process of working towards your dreams. So, what bridge are you crossing? What will be your next step?

In the next article, I’ll discuss the important role acceptance has in the process of letting go.

Picture is by Beth Borchardt from Akekal

(part 3 in a series on the art of letting go, click here for part 1 and part 2)

Welcome to the mind agility training. As you may know, dog agility is a fun sport for intelligent dogs and their owners. The goal is for the dog to cross an obstacle course as quickly as possible with maximum accuracy. From dog agility to mind agility is not too big a leap. I personally believe there is no difference between getting your dog to cooperate or your mind. Although it is called dog agility, it is the handler who has to learn how to lead so the dog will follow. In mind agility, it is the handler, you, who is trained to become a leader. A really, really good dog handler is called a dog whisperer. This agility training will help you take the first steps toward becoming a mind whisperer.

In an agility race a dog runs without a leash. It’s the handler’s  job to direct the dog through the obstacles. She is not allowed to touch the dog or the obstacles, nor is she allowed to lure the dog with toys or food. She can only use her voice, body signals and the way she moves over the field to give her dog directions. In order for the dog to reach the finish, both willl have to learn to cooperate smoothly.  A calm and assertive handler not only knows how to handle her dog effectively, she has a vision. The handler’s vision is simple: to be the best team, to be champions. In order to win, she assesses the course, determines how to cross it effectively and decides on the handling strategies. In the race she trusts her vision, her dog and their training to finish as smoothly as possible.

Today, we’re going to start our training.  When you start something new, you usually miss more than half of what is going on. And that’s okay. Once you get to know the game better, once you get better at playing the game, you’ll start seeing nuances and understand underlying patterns that first escaped you. At the start of this training, I want you to see the big picture, finesse will come later.

Question: If the training field were to represent your life, what course are you going to run? How do you see yourself finish? Can you see yourself running a course that no one else has run before, a very personal, unique course? Can you see yourself as an outstanding handler? How DO you see yourself?  Suppose you could find nothing wrong with who you are, that you were perfect in every way? How would you think, speak and act? How would you treat yourself, your partner, your kids and all you meet? How would that feel? Just close your eyes for a moment and imagine what that would be like.
What if I tell you that you are all that, that you are just as perfect now as on the day you were born. It is true that along the way you have picked up beliefs and behaviors that are keeping you from being who you are on the inside, but those can be let go off. You are a unique human being. In the whole wide world there is no one like you. You are one of a kind. You are endowed with a unique set of experiences, talents and skills. This makes you special. Having a vision means seeing and respecting your uniqueness, the perfection of who you are and letting go of what others have believed and to this day believe you to be. Having a vision means choosing the life that is growing on the inside, the life you feel inspired to live.

I have struggled with this a lot. It’s is a different way of thinking. It’s relearning to think with the whole of your being. You don’t have to create a vision, your vision of all that you are is already locked up inside of you. All you have to do is uncover it, make it visible. Don’t worry if you can’t see ‘the perfection of you’, I certainly didn’t when I started my training. Just relax. Like me, you will be allright. What I have learned is that when you are somewhat confused, when your vision is cluttered or blurry, if you keep focusing and make decisions based on what you do see, it will become clearer, bit by bit. If your vision feels like some indecipherable quantum soup to you right now, don’t focus too hard on it. Instead focus on whatever makes you feel best about yourself, however small, and just stumble ahead. When you make decisions based on that part of you, you will get a clearer feel of how you will want to run your course in time.

Uncovering your vision is exciting and scary at the same time. Having a vision means knowing why you do what you do and how you do it. Living your vision means making choices that are aligned with your personal vision of who you are, and in doing so you automatically let go of options that are not aligned with living your best life, of the life others have envisioned and lovingly are evisioning for you. Uncovering your vision and letting go go hand in hand. By moving forward in the direction that your heart recognizes as your best future, you move away from what is holding you back from living it. It is a step by step process. Doing the mind agility course will help you get more clear.

In part 4 of this series, we’re going to conquer obstacle #1, the sway bridge. Your heart’s vision is always ahead of your rational mind. Bridging is helping your mind cross that gap and join your vision of all that you can be. We’re going to continue the mind-dog metaphore. I think you’ll agree it is easier to imagine a dog walking on a sway bridge than you would your mind.

photo by Lloyd Bristow

(part 2 in a series on the art of letting go, click here for part 1)

Your rational mind closely resembles a dog in some perspectives. In the dog world, a pack follows a leader. When a dog owner is unwilling to be the leader of the pack, the dog will exhibit dominant behavior and fight for the position of pack leader. When your mind is out of control, that means your mind is displaying dominant behavior. You have given your mind control by feeling  you can’t help thinking this way. When at the same time you get angry at your mind for thinking tis way, it isn’t quite clear who is the pack leader. That’s is confusing to both you and your mind. Your mind needs a leader.
When a dog is not given enough exercise, it will start chewing on its owner’s stuff, the shoes, the couch. Because it cannot get rid of its energy in a natural way it finds other ways of releasing energy. When your mind isn’t getting enough exercise, it will start chewing on events that frustrated or hurt you in the past and events in the future that worry you. It’s not eating and digesting which would mean that you would get it out of your system, it’s just chewing and chewing and chewing. If your mind is chewing on stuff, it needs exercise.
When a dog is confined too much or restricted in its natural behavior, it will start chasing its tail.  Next to physical exercise a dog needs a challenge. Dogs love challenges, some dogs more than others, but all dogs need a certain degree of mental challenge. In some cases a dog will chase its tail until it is exhausted, sleep, and start chasing its tail again when it wakes up. Sounds familiar? How many of us haven’t gone to bed reasoning in circles, going over that problem over and over again, slept and when you woke up you started again, same problem, no solutions. When your mind goes in circles, it needs a new challenge.

To let go, you have to take leadership of your life. My intent is to help you get your mind healthy and happy by making YOU leader of the pack again. My intent is to help you see and feel that you are not your mind. My intent is to make you a mind whisperer, a leader who understands what the mind needs in order to be calm.

If you have ever seen an episode of the Dog Whisperer, you know that an owner wants his dog to be calm and submissive. A calm submissive energy means the dog is relaxed  and follows its leader. To make a dog into a follower, the owner has to be calm and assertive. Calm assertive energy automatically makes the owner into the leader. A calm and assertive leader leads from the whole of his being. In the television show, the dog almost never is the problem. Cesar Millan rehabilitates the dog and trains the owner. In this case, our mind isn’t the problem. The problem is that we don’t trust ourselves enough to take the lead and instead we have allowed our mind to take the lead. It is time that we subject our mind to our being. Our rational mind will be able to do great things when it follows our heart’s vision.

A calm assertive leader is compassionate and in quiet control. Being compassionate means you don’t get angry at yourself, others or the circumstances for messing up.  If the outcome is different than you wanted, you kindly take responsibility for your thoughts, behavior and the outcome you’re generating. You calmly assess what went wrong and you change what you’re doing.  Your mind is a perfect mirror, it will give you perfectly correlated feedback. If your mind isn’t calm and submissive, it means you aren’t calm and assertive. If it doesn’t follow, it means you are not leading. This feedback prompts us to ask ourselves what we can do differently next time, however confronting it may be, it helps us make the neccessary changes to go forward.

In order to be calm and assertive you have to know what you are aiming for, you have to have the quiet knowing that you will get there, and you will have the discipline to keep your eye on the desired outcome, no matter what. Now you may think, I don’t know how to do that. I know, don’t be discouraged. That is exactly what we’re going to work on.

Now that you know that it takes leadership to let go and have learned what it takes to be a good leader of the pack, we’re going to practice leadership. Next time, we’re starting the mind agility training. Let’s have some fun!

photo by Lisandra Barros Mendoça

Recently, at a party, a dear friend said, “people always say well-meaningly I have to ‘let go’. It doesn’t help me, I don’t know how to do that.” I fear I inadvertedly was one of those well-meaning friends. I want to make it right.

It appears that the subject of letting go is surrounded with a lot of mystery. Unjustly so. Imagine your holding a tennis ball in one hand, when I ask you to drop it, you relax your grip and let go. You relax the muscles in your fingers, they move automatically to an open position and the ball drops. That’s it. The key to letting go is to relax.

Letting go is natural. When we are balanced, tension and relaxation alternate like a wavelike motion.  Look at your breath, you take a breath in and then let go. Your heart  beats and then relaxes, as do all your other muscles. Neurons fire and pause to recharge. Our whole body is designed that way. Yet somewhere along the way we have forgotten to relax our mind and spirit, and we’ve become used to holding on to thoughts and ideas that keep us running in circles, emotions that slowly poison us and fears and deep-seated beliefs that keep us from living our best lives. Let’s change that.

We are designed to move. When we move our bodies, we remain strong, lean and flexible. The same holds true for our minds and our metaphorical hearts. When we don’t move our bodies, we lose muscle tissue and we gain fat. When we don’t move our minds in a healthy way, we lose flexibility and focus, our thoughts become negative and repetitive. When we don’t allow our hearts to move, our emotions stop flowing and they become stale. You feel stuck. People tell you you have to let go, you don’t know how and you stay stuck. Most people would see letting go as a condition to move forward. I have learned it is the other way around: it is in moving forward that we let go. By creating a new reality, we release the hold of the past.

Letting go is to accept fully what is happening now and to surrender to the uncertainty of the future. Letting go is building bridges between where you are now and where you want to be. Letting go is taking small steps in a new direction, with every step heading for a new destination, and in the process releasing the hold of the past, one step at a time.

Taking steps in a new direction is taking leadership of your life. You’ve allready taken the first step. Are you ready to take the next? In the next blog post, you’ll meet the mind whisperer. A mind whisperer is an expert in leadership. The mind whisperer will help you let go of your mind’s unhealthy habits.

photo by Dani Simmonds

One of the most important lessons Life has taught me is that when you are open, when you surrender to the unfolding of Life, the most amazing things happen. Having made it my primary intention to allow the flow of Life to lead me, I have lived some really cool stuff. And yet, every time Life opens up to me as a result and gives in return, it blows my mind.

Somewhat more than a month ago, my husband did a one day training course. When he came home that evening, he said he had enrolled in a six day training course. He wasn’t quite sure yet and could stil cancel if he decided otherwise. Then something happened that had never happened before. Out of nowhere emerged my voice, saying ‘I am going to do that course.’ I was as surprised as my husband. I didn’t even know what the course was about. My husband wasn’t ready to let go and give in yet, and again he said that he wasn’t quite sure, and could still cancel. And again, my voice said ‘I AM going to do that course’, the sense of certainty stronger and deeper this time. It happened three times before my husband said: I think you need to do this course. Yes I do, I said. What happened exactly, I don’t know, but somehow my subconscious mind recognized this 6 day course as the next step on my chosen path. Needless to say, it was right.

Last Sunday, on the third day of the course, the instructor was explaining something. Feeling I could add to the conversation, I did. As a reaction the trainer said: ‘Hermien, you always want to give so much, but I don’t want to receive what you have just given me.’ He was very clear, not only in his words.
As the trainer and the rest of the group went on, these words triggered intense pain within me. Recognizing that this pain was out of context to what had just happened, I knew it had touched an old unresolved pain. And as I excused myself to wipe my tears and blow my nose, I knew too that this pain wasn’t going to be pushed back again. As I stood sobbing in the ladies room, out of the blue, I knew exactly what this pain was about and why it hurt so much.

Until February, I had lived my life from behind a glass wall, intensely alone, unable to participate in the lives of others. Healing a lifelong trauma, the glass wall had shattered, but I was still standing at the same spot, conditioned to not get over the line where once the wall had been. I wanted to, but I had no clue how.
A week before the start of the course I had had a mission path coaching session with the trainer. During that session, I shared that I want people to feel felt, heard and seen in my presence. I want them to see their true potential through my eyes, words and touch. And I realised that the one thing I really needed to allow that is to cross the line I’ve stood behind my whole life.

In the ladies’ room, I saw with clarity that my giving had been a lifeline, it was me waving from behind the glass hoping to be seen. Giving was my way of connecting with you and if you didn’t wave back, if you didn’t accept what I had to offer, to me that felt like you didn’t acknowledge my presence, my existence, and thus I was all alone again. Although I had no clue at that moment when I stood there sobbing, allowing this pain to emerge pushed me across the line. It was only when I got back and sat in the same room again with the trainer and the other particpants, that I noticed what had happened as love washed through my body and I felt a deep connection to all ten people in the room. The intensity of the feeling nearly knocked me of my socks.

So again, I enter a new chapter in my life. The title: On Giving Unconditionally. I know I’m not there yet. This morning while following my gut and writing an e-mail to someone who had, just once, not waved back from behind the glass nearly made me throw up with nausea, it made me shake and tremble so violently that writing was difficult. Just write anyway, you will be alright, my wise self insisted while my brain was throwing a power tantrum. The word ‘cold turkey’ came to mind. It lasted an hour and then subsided. I sent the e-mail and got a glimpse of what it really means not to take anything personally. I am looking forward to living that fully. Once again, my life is falling into place. I must say I am starting to looooove these full-circle experiences!

Life is amazing! I feel utterly blessed to be me. I feel deep gratitude and appreciation to my husband for letting me do the course, to Robbert for responding to life and reacting in exactly the way he did, to Watze for listening to my story with an open heart when I was so vulnerable, and to Robbert, Watze, Barbera, Petra, Tahlita, Hans, Freya, Lucienne, Aroena and Francien for creating an environment in which I felt safe enough to let this pain emerge. Namasté.

photo by Martyn Hearson

Yesterday, during a conversation with a dear friend, I realized that the one thing that has impacted my life most was coming to understand that I have a choice how to view my life.
We were talking about unpleasant experiences in our life that happened outside of our control but that left deep traces. At a certain point, my friend said: but surely you would want to change them to a more pleasant experience if you could. Wouldn’t that be better?

Of course, I know the feeling. I struggled with that too. I remember vividly asking myself the questions: How would my life be different if I had had a better start, if I had not been bullied, if I ….? Just fill in the blank. How would my life would be different if…? This question implies that life would be better if something different had happened. This is a false premise. If things would have been different, they may just as well have been worse. Truth is I don’t know how my life would be if things had been different.

I understand perfectly how alluring this question is, because it allowed me to create a fantasy world in which everything was just perfect. However alluring, this question is completely beside the point, because however much we wish our lives to be different, they aren’t. This question is just another form of fighting reality of not accepting life as it is. Truth is we cannot change our past. What has turned things around for me was realizing that although I cannot change my past, I can change the story I tell myself about my past. By that I don’t mean that I am making up a different past, but I am intent on finding the good in my past and attributing the best possible meaning to it.

Let me show you how this works using an example: I was born three weeks premature in some backward hospital, where they only administered functional care. I lived in an incubator for six weeks. My parents were only allowed to see me from behind a window and I wasn’t hugged or caressed in the first six weeks of my life. This has left deep traces in my brain, body and mind. And it would cost me no difficulty at all to label this event as negative for I know how it has impacted my life and created a long series of events that were extremely unpleasant. Yet I have chosen to find all the good that it has brought me and over time I learned to attribute a different meaning to it.

The doctors and nurses in the hospital gave the best care they were capable of giving. They fed me and cleaned my diapers. They ran tests and temperatured me regularly to make sure that I was doing well. They made sure the conditions in the incubator were just right. I am grateful they took such good care of me.
When my daughter was born, I was able to develop a much deeper appreciation of and connection to my parents and the trauma they went through. Having a daughter, I am very aware of how blessed I am to take care of her myself.
I love cuddling! To this day, cuddling my parents is special to me. I love holding them, feeling their embrace, their skin against mine, their hearts beating, taking in their love.
I am very sensitive to touch, sight and smell. And I have a very well developed sense of what other people’s intentions are; if they are tending to my well-being or not.
The best thing that has come from it is that I was able to heal this trauma; I now know it is possible to heal such early and deep trauma; I am stronger, I know I can overcome anything; I have more compassion because I know how the mind will do anything to help you ‘protect’ yourself; and I am enriched with all the insight it has given me about myself and life.

I don’t deny what has happened, but I counter it with good. And interestingly that leads to full acceptance and peace. I wouldn’t want to change my past, nothing of it, because I am a better person because of it. I celebrate my past, for it has made me who I am today. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I am happy with who I am. I feel pride for what I have accomplished. I feel love for who I was and who I have become. I love my life and I cherish every experience. My life is whole and I wish that for friend and everyone I encounter.

photo by Michelle Morales

Coming home from a three and a half week long vacation, we were in for a surprise.  At first sight everything looked as we left it. A closer look revealed a small glitch: the clock on the oven wasn’t working. We went to the meter cupboard and discovered that the GFI (or RDC) had tripped. We switched it ‘on’ again. This set off an unexpected, but alarming beep in the laundry room. Reluctantly, we opened the door to the laundry and saw an unusual winking symbol above the freezer door. The dark pool under it did not promise much good. I put on my gloves, got the largest plastic bag I could find and I opened the door. The putrid odor of dead animal almost knocked me over. Not giving in to feelings of resistance, I put everything in the bag, I put a knot in it tight enough to keep the smell in and the flies out and put it in the bin outside. Next, I put the drawers in the driveway, all the while being grateful that I had defrosted and completely cleaned my freezer in the week before we went away. As a result, our freezer had been almost empty; in it had only been a few breads, three small pieces of meat, ten ice cube bags with freshly made elderflower cordial and one with beetroot juice. We left the door of the freezer open and burned incense to prevent the dead animal smell from entering the rest of our home. I cleaned the freezer interior with a mixture of vinegar and baking soda, but it kept smelling. After half a week, I cleaned one drawer, bought a fridge fresh egg and put the freezer back on. It still smells like dead animal though. This pungent odor contaminates everything. Fortunately, it seems the plastic bags take on the odor and the food inside stays fresh.

On vacation, I was feeling somewhat frustrated with old habitual feelings taking over when I wasn’t paying particular attention. After the freezer incident, I realize that 40 years of conditioning leaves traces; the foul odor of the tales I was told by socializing voices and the lies I repeated to myself about being separated and unworthy are still lingering. Although I now know on the deepest level that I AM Perfection, this truth is the size of a mustard seed. It needs the right conditions and a lot of TLC to grow and florish, and for the moment, it needs protection from contamination. So this week, I’ve stocked up on spiritual freezer bags to keep my thoughts and feelings fresh. Not just any freezer bags, zipper bags, double zipper bags to be precise. The spiritual equivalent of the double zipper is the combined power of intention and attention. The intention being ‘having fresh thoughts and feelings’, the attention making sure they stay that way. Just as dead meat leaves a bad smell in the freezer, negative experiences leave traces in the brain. Fortunately, we can rewire our brains by choosing to strengthen ‘positive’ networks and ignore ‘negative’ networks. What you give attention to grows and what you ignore withers and dies at last. This is true for the brain, and it is my sincere hope for freezers too!

It has been over 3 months since I wrote my last entry. I’m kind of shocked it has been so long, and at the same time, it feels like I wrote it in an other lifetime. And I guess I did. My life has changed in ways, I could not have imagined if I wanted to.

In the first weeks after healing my lifelong wound, strange things happened. As I was planning on making 4 visionboards to help me focus on getting my life back on track, I was looking for paperboard. Out of habit, I was reaching for a  beautiful dark grey, because to me it is so esthetically pleasing, when my hand slided past it and rested on a very bright yellow for the ‘Energy’ visionboard, and I caught myself thinking: ‘that is just the right color, it is so energizing, it is so full of vitality. I love it.’ I was shocked. Struck silent may be a better description. I pinched myself in the arm to see if I was still really me, if I had not been overtaken by aliens. Whose hand was that, reaching for yellow? It surely could not be mine, as for as long as I can remember I had really abhorred that color. In my mind there was no color more yuk, except for perhaps orange, which I noticed next and thought would make a perfect color for the ‘Play’ visionboard. By now, I was reaching for my phone to call my husband to make sure that I at least still sounded like the Hermien he had known for 22 years. I don’t know if I ever made that call, but I do know that I got the giggles, the unstoppable giggles. And then I knew this was my new normal.

Healing my aloneness has changed me and my life in inconceivable ways, from funny to amazing and awesome.  For the first time in my life, I really love being around people. It doesn’t drain me, but energizes me. In interactions, I’m not hyperconscious of me anymore and it is so much easier to listen to what the other is saying. I don’t have this overwhelming need to be alone anymore and I certainly don’t get mad when someone ‘steals’ the time I need to ‘recuperate’ from social activities, which is far less anyway. I am amazed at the still rising level of energy and how easy it is now to make wholesome choices and create wholesome habits. I am much more relaxed, as I don’t chew on the past and fret over the future anymore. I love that I now get all the things I learned in the past 10 years. It feels like everything is coming together. I understand things at a level that was unaccessible to me before, it is as if I went from worm’s eye view to bird’s eye view. I have this calm and peaceful feeling that life is unfolding perfectly, that clocktime only is a string of nows, or more accurately a string of choices I make now, and somehow it is easier to be a conscious choice maker. I feel that I am perfect as I am and that my life is where it needs to be. I can relax my body any time I need to and tap into the undercurrent that connects us all, all I have to do is close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel where I’m heading and I know the only thing I can do in this moment is live with intention, do what I’m doing consciously and with love. The need to be somewhere in the future is gone, I am doing all I can do now, and that is enough.

There are still moments when I slip back in old behavioral patterns. Usually, I get stressed over something so small it is completely absurd. I will always immediately feel off. And most of the time, I can identify and snap out of it easily. Other times, it takes some more time and last week I even had a full meltdown, which felt completely off and perfect at the same time. I guess that’s the biggest thing: I don’t beat myself up anymore, I distill the lesson from what happened and move on, a bit wiser and more compassionate. It seems like this Libran has finally found her balance.

Last week, I faced the biggest monster in my closet. I’m going to share that experience, because I believe we all have to face our monsters at one time or another and I believe that process basically is the same for everyone. At the same time, this is an extremely personal experience and I hope that you will treat it that way. You’re standing on holy ground, this is my soul at its barest, please tread gently.

I was watching a comedy drama  film with my husband. Or better said, my husband was watching the comedy, and I the drama. The pain in this film resonated so deeply with me that I couldn’t stop crying. The monster in my closet was roaring. Because my pain was out of proportion to what was actually going on, I recognized it as old, unresolved pain. I was terrified for what was in the closet, but at the same time I could not pretend it wasn’t there anymore. I could sense the presence of my monster and I knew it would come out again and again if I did not face it. So I decided to put the door ajar and simply wait for my monster to come out one last time. The pain already being active, I figured it would just be a matter of time.

Although I had braced myself for impact, I was not ready for the pain that engulfed me when that door opened. The pain and fear were so real, so raw, it felt almost unbearable. I had met my monster of aloneness.  I felt as if I had this hole in my chest, so big that it almost didn’t fit. I could see right through me. Out of it poored the deep knowing that I am alone, all alone. It felt as if I was cut off from everyone, as if there was no one who loves me. I was all by myself, an outcast. The hurt was overwhelming. This monster in the closet represented the pain of my baby self. This pain was born at almost the same time I was born. After I was born, I was put directly in an incubator. For six weeks, I lived in that incubator and my parents were only allowed to view me from behind a window. I did not hear my mother’s voice, I was not rocked, not consoled, not anything except handled functionally and mechanically through the openings of the incubator.

Being aware that this pain was out of context and untrue at this time in my life, helped me remain anchored. Being aware that in my mind it was happening now and that it felt just as real now as it did then, helped me be gentle and patient with myself. I held this pain as I would a crying newborn baby, with nothing than kindness and love. I breathed my way through the pain. With every breath, I would simply explore the pain, feel it without judging, without interpreting. I explored every corner of the hole in my chest. I felt the nausea where it touched my stomach, and the choking sensation near my throat. I felt the sharp and uneven edges, constantly cringing. And in the days and nights that followed, I relived every conscious memory of feeling an outcast, alone and unloved. With every conscious breath, the hole got smaller. And with the help of a therapist, I was able to close it. That was the strangest feeling, because how do you feel the absence of pain? You don’t. Zooming in on it, it actually felt like a severe wound that has just healed, when the reddish pink skin still feels new, not quite part yet of its surroundings and touching it feels at the same time somewhat scary and slightly surreal.

For the past 39 years, this pain has always been a part of me. It was my ‘normal’, I didn’t know any better. Although, I come from a loving family and have gathered a group of wonderful friends around me, I always felt immensely alone, as if I were standing behind a glass wall, not part of what was going on, wanting to play along, but unable to break through the glass. It has impacted my life in every way imaginable, from the simplest things like not even considering asking for help if I could really use some to being depressed for years and getting physically ill two years ago. Having finally been able to see it and feel it for what it was, is a testimony to my growth. I feel deeply blessed to have lived it.

Everyone’s pain is unique, as is its expression. Our bodies are not designed to store pain for long periods of time. Pain will come to the surface when it is activated, when something we live resonates with it. If we learn to deal with it in a conscious way, non-judging and loving, we will be able to face our fears as they come up, without having to accumulate extra pain. And we will be happier and healthier.

If you want to learn more about the monsters in our closet, I suggest you read We scare because we care.

Big changes don’t happen overnight. The old isn’t working anymore and the new has not yet set in. It  took some time to figure that out. I am in-between two stages of spiritual growth. Knowing that helps me embrace this period instead of fighting it. All is well.

So far, I have lived my life through the act of sheer force. I had the focus and stamina of a pittbull. Once I put my teeth into something, I could not let go. It was not like I was having fun or that I didn’t get tired (pun intentended), it was more that, on some unconscious level, I had to do it and the thought of letting go didn’t even occurr to me. This stage of personal evolution, where you show yourself you can make things happen through will power, combined with some strong personality traits and blind spots litterally got me so sick and tired, I was forced to stop. In retrospect, I can see it was my wise self telling me, in the only way I could hear, that what I was doing was not fitting anymore to who I had become along the way.

Yesterday, I was busy doing something I wanted to do, having fun, when all of a sudden, I was immensely tired (again). First, I got scared, thinking ‘oh no! not again!’ and the next second I saw the irrationality of that thought and instantly recognized that I was tired because my body was trying to convey something. So I sat down and did nothing for a few minutes. In these minutes, I could feel my body relax completely, I felt at peace, I felt love and compassion for myself, my energy returned and I felt renewed. My body and mind were gasping for silence, for being still, even if it were just a few minutes, to be able to let go of old thought patterns and to let peace arise.

For someone who has always pushed herself to the extremes doing what she thought she had to do, doing nothing and letting things arise from a space within is an extremely uncomfortable place to be. It is a completely new paradigm. I have written about it in the past, but I never understood it like I do now. I’m not there yet, I have to let it grow at it’s own pace, allowing it, not pushing it. It’s like a seed that has laid barren for a long time, but against all odds has started to grow. It grows at it’s own speed, all I can do is nurture it. I am the scarecrow, the sun, the rain. And the seed. I feel deeply blessed to watch this unfolding of me and am joyously anticipating whatever will arise from this seed, whether it be grass or an oaktree.

photo by Riyas Hamza

When diagnosed with chronic fatique syndrome / ME, the prognosis is not too optimistic and people would tell me that I had a long road ahead of me. When your body is hurting and you’re too tired to even unload the dishwasher, it is soo easy to believe that your road to recovery will be long and tiresome. And I was about to believe that when I heard this still voice ask me: ‘What do YOU believe? Do you believe that just because a lot of people believe something, just because the statistics say something, it is true for you?’ And out of that same stillness came a loud ‘NO!’. No, I don’t. I’d rather be viewed insane but healthy than sane and in the condition I was in. So I chose to believe what is best for me, what feels best to me. Longtime ago, I choose to view my reality differently. In the words of Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, I believe I’m “a spiritual being having a human experience”, not the other way around. This basically means is that I believe that I am first and foremost an energetic being and that my body is the physical vessel that allows me to operate in this physical plane. Now it was time to act on it, because in the realm of the non-physical, things are not linear, nor time-bound, things can change in an instant, in the blinking of an eye. It is what we would call miracles. And yes, I believe in them too.

When I looked at myself, I saw this soaring spirit living in a body that did not in any way match this vibrancy. There was an enormous, visible incongruency. It was a pointer. I believe all physical illnesses are pointers. They create a possibility to let go of what we don’t need anymore in order to become more aligned with who we are. I knew that my fatigue meant that I was leaking precious energy, and I assumed it was through certain deep-seated beliefs. I knew I needed help to uncover them, because in the past decade of inquiry I had not been able to get in touch with them.

It has only been three weeks since I met with my therapist for the first time, but in the three sessions that followed amazing things have happened. With her help, I uncovered this overwhelming sense of powerlessness, and through EMDR she helped me reconnect the dots. Last weekend, I knotted my linden trees on Saturday, had friends over on Sunday, and then on Monday my daughter was able to have a friend over to play and I was still feeling fine. This is almost unbelievable when you imagine that three weeks ago I could not walk normally, because my joints and muscles were simply hurting too much. However amazing, the true miracle is in the power I feel, an almost unearthly sense of groundedness, it is in the absence of the fear I’ve carried with me for almost 39 years, it’s in my relaxed response where I normally would freak out, it’s this new, completely foreign inner voice that is telling me all this weird stuff, like ‘so what!’, ‘just try again’, and my favorite ‘you will be alright’. People have said these things to me for years, and so have I, but however hard I tried to believe them, I never felt their truth. Today, these words come from within and they make sense, perfect sense. The power they carry feels amazing, but I think I can get used to that, as well as this renewed sense of self.

image of the ‘tree pose’, a grounding yoga pose
image by Michael Lorenzo

Almost two weeks ago, while visiting my family doctor because of a debilitating tiredness I’ve had for some time now, she suggested I’d look into chronic fatigue syndrome / ME. I did. I found several different standards and according to all, I fit the profile perfectly.  So yesterday, I called my doctor to make a new appointment to deal with the physical side of what’s going on. That means getting a diagnosis, which will involve tests as it is a diagnosis of exclusion. There is no treatment, but I want to learn ways to go with my body, instead of against it. As I said, that’s the physical side, it is what needs to be done, but as far as I’m concerned that is not the interesting part of what is happening in my life.

I thought I had made peace with being tired, but being confronted with a possible ME diagnosis, feeling physically very ill and emotionally drained, I discovered that there were new layers to be uncovered. Although this illness and its symptoms are very real in my daily life, I choose not to see it as a physical problem. Unexplained energy loss has been an issue in my life for the past 20 years and no exercise, diet or multivitamin has had any significant results. I would be stronger and healthier than any person I’d know and still, out of the blue, get immensely tired for weeks, unable to even brush my teeth.

What is interesting is that, as I have been growing spiritually in ways that I almost cannot fathom myself, my tiredness has been growing proportionally. And although this may seem paradoxical, it makes perfect sense. See, before, the image I had of myself and my actual life were the same, there was no discord. But now, my image of self has changed almost  180º, yet my life has not. I’m still moving in the same direction. That’s two bodies moving in opposite direction, creating immense tension.

Have you ever held onto something, because you were afraid to let go, even while you knew that you would be alright, that you would be better for it? That’s where I am now. I’m in this boat and I’m rowing against the stream. I’m so good at rowing and I’ve rowed for so many years that I’ve actually managed to row upstream. The current is so much stronger up here and by now I’m rowing like a maniac not be taken by the current. I’m exhausted, I really want to let go of the oars, yet I’m so scared to be taken downstream that I keep rowing. Did I mention that I’m a control freak? I know I need to let go and allow the stream to take me, to close the gap between me and Me, but I’m afraid of what will happen when I give up this illusion of control. Fortunately, my body is caving in, and it is finally dawning on me that I cannot beat the stream of Life, there is only one way and that is down. It is called gravity.

I can honestly say that I’m excited to be on this journey. What an opportunity! What an amazing opportunity! I can’t wait to see what happens when I will let go and allow this stream of Life to take me. I will use this illness as an excuse to catch up with my Self, to become more self-ish, in the purest sense of the word. Isn’t it perfect irony that it will take ME to become Me? Makes me laugh.

photo by Christa Richter

As you may or may not know by now, I was raised in a rather strict christian environment. And although lots of rules and ideas did not feel right and clashed with what I believed God to be, the essence of faith rang so true with me, that all the other things for a long time became secondary. Until it became apparent that my belief system created so much internal stress that life didn’t seem worth living anymore to the extent that I was contemplating suicide. Not good! I got counseling and got asked the most pivotal question of my life: ‘What do YOU believe?’ After having mulled over that question for two weeks, I still didn’t know and decided to let go of God.

At this point, the story becomes interesting. After another two weeks, I discovered that I may have let go of God, but that God had not let go of me. That which I experienced to be God was still present. Years have passed since and that which I used to call God is still with me. I’ve had quite some time to reflect on this presence and I did. I don’t know what to call it anymore, but this no-name experience is strong in me, always has been, and ever growing. I sometimes mockingly call it ‘The Force’, but that doesn’t cover it completely, or do it justice. I believe it is present in saints and sinners, that in some it is more developped than in others, and that development is a critical component of being happy, of feeling whole.

Everyone knows how it feels. It’s the love parents feel for their children, it’s the sense of heaven during really good sex, of awe when you see the sea for the first time, of connectedness when millions of bright stars are shining down on you. It’s the completely overwhelming presence of a wild and rapidly thundering waterfall, of the deafening silence on a mountain top. It is being moved by a piece of music, a good book, art, being touched by another human being, or by the wagging tail of your dog when she greets you at the door. It’s in the song of a bird and the flight of a bumblebee. It is what makes us feel alive and passionate about life, what gives us meaning and creates peace.

It is litterally all around. You can wait untill it accidentally hits you, or you can look for it. It takes focus, patience and perseverence, like any other training. It will not land you an olympic medal or some other tangible trophee. I say it’s even better, it’s something you’ve always dreamed of, we all have. As far as I’m concerned, it’s is the sexiest thing ever, it’s the one feature no one can resist. Happiness on demand. One simple exercise and it is yours.

All you need to do is open your heart and still your mind. And that sounds a hell of a lot more complicated than it really is. All it means is that you find the bright spot in everything you encounter. I said it’s a simple exercise, I didn’t say it would be easy. At first, it will be challenging, but I assure you there is an upside to everything. All you have to do is find it. That’s the exercise: to not give up until you have found what uplifts you and then focus on it for as long as it takes for your muscles to relax. Because that is what happiness is, it is the absence of stress or unvoluntary tension. We cannot feel good and stressed at the same time, they’re incompatible.  With training, your happy muscle will grow. Like your tummy, it requires a lifelong exercise if you don’t want it to sag. If you stop training, it will wither and you will have to start all over again. If on the other hand, you are willing to go beyond the discomfort that is part of any beginning stage and keep practicing, you will see results real soon. And it will get easier. Not only will you find miracles in unexpected places, you will find more and more and each time you do the exercise it will take less effort to focus your mind and body into relaxation until you will feel relief almost instantly. Happiness is yours. Now that’s what I call an awesome deal.

photo by voltphoto.co.uk

Yesterday, my psychological and emotional state resembled the weather in the Netherlands. The weather forecast had predicted unstable weather. The royal meteorological instituted had even had released an extreme weather alert. The forecast revealed to be rather accurate. At the end of the day, we had heavy rain, strong wind gusts and some serious thunder and lightning. Somehow, it felt good the weather agreed with me; it was time to release some tension.

I started my day rather absentmindedly, I somehow was unable to land in the now. At eleven in the morning, I finally had the clarity of mind to stop doing and listen to my body. It felt heavy, like the weather. I felt like crying and sleeping. So I went upstairs to sleep. In the middle of my sleep I was woken by a ringing telephone. I answered. It was my husband. He had two simple requests. My brain short circuited. It seemed I was unable to process requests with more than one variable.  Even one variable would have been challenging. After that I cried. I cried and could not stop. I cried because was stressed, frustrated and I felt guilty. Guilty for not being able to take some load of his shoulders. Guilty for not being able to be the wife I want to be. Guilty for being stressed over nothing, essentially.

I twittered about it. That was not easy, because I know from experience that most people only see a drama queen, having a pity party, fussing over nothing. But yesterday, there also were people who understood what was happening, who could relate to what I was saying. That meant the world to me. There was a sense of recognition, of connection. It was priceless. One lovely lady called it a ‘discharge’. And that landed me in the now. Because that’s exactly what it was. A discharge of tension that had built up for days. My easily stimulated brain was overstimulated and needed to discharge to get equalized again.

As the day progressed, with one drama after another, some small, some really ugly (I sweared like a fishwife at the idiot who through uncareful driving, almost hit my girl and her friend while they crossed the street using a pedestrian crossing), I turned my mind around. I was doing my best. Only today, my best was different than my best on any other given day. And that’s okay. I am not proud that I snapped at my daughter, but I am proud at the moments I did not snap. Proud that on a day with almost zero tolerance for stress, I was capable of caring and compassion. Proud I was able to put my daughter’s safety and emotional needs first (most of the time). Proud I was able to turn my guilt into pride. Proud I twittered about my discharge like other people twittered about the weather.

photo by Ronny Beliën

Last week, on Twitter, I replied that “@ieniemienie *does not believe in chance* #therearenoaccidents.”  Unintentionally, I hit a very tender spot with a mom who lost her son through an accident. In this blog I’ll try to put into words what can not be said in 140 characters.

I don’t believe in accidents. I don’t believe in predestination either. So what do I believe then? Over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that which makes most sense to me, on all levels, is the concept of ‘concurrence’. In Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary, concurrence is described as ‘a situation in which two or more things happen at the same time.’

Have you ever watched ‘Aircrash Investigation’? This TV show, aired on the National Geographic Channel, examines plane crashes and near-crashes. Each episode is a recount of a (near-)crash and how it happened. It is a detailed investigation into what went wrong. Interestingly, it almost never is one thing that went terribly wrong. Usually, the crash is a concurrence of choices, a lot of seemingly small and everyday choices from a lot of different people that come together in a catastrophic plane accident.

We make choices, every day, all day. Most choices are automatic, because they’re habitual. But our choices, however small and insignificant, almost always affect other people. I guess the most famous example is the radius of a smile. My choice to smile is essentially nothing else than the choice to put my lips in a certain position. Yet, the consequences can be far-reaching. By putting my lips in the smile position, I change my physiology. What was but a pose, becomes a feeling. When I smile at other people, they reciprocate, an automated psychological process, and  in turn their physiology changes, making it very likely they will adress the next person they meet in a better mood, maybe even smiling. I believe all of our choices can be as far reaching as that smile. Our choices, however insignificant they may seem at the time can have enormous consequences, good and bad.

I believe every choice has an underlying intention or motivation which eventually determines the outcome. Our intentions can be rooted in fear or in love. Fear (the ultimate fear being ‘not being good enough’) creates painful experiences, while love creates constructively. In an episode of  Air Crash Investigation, there usually is a mechanic, somewhere down the line, who, because of lack of time, chose to do a small checkup when he actually needed to do a full checkup and not told anyone, thus missing a potentially catastrophic problem, or a mechanic who did a full checkup found a small problem, chose not to repair it at the time and forgot to mention it in the checkup plan, leaving the next mechanics who according to schedule only needed to do a small checkup unaware of the growing problem. I’m not pointing my finger at those mechanics. Their mistakes, however catastrophic, were human. I could have made them. Yet, I’m sure their intentions were rooted in fear. Fear of not being ready in time, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing a job, fear of – you name it. I know for sure that a healthy sense of self, a love for repairing planes, a genuine love for people, and the sense of meaning that comes from this combination would have led to different choices, creating a different outcome.

I don’t believe in accidents. I do believe in a concurrence of choices. And I believe the dominant intention of our choices determines the outcome. As a consequence, I believe life is about clarifying our intentions, and learning to make choices that are rooted in love. I believe that if we do just that, tomorrow will be a better day.

People say social media are shallow, that online friends are not real friends. I say social media are as shallow or deep as its users, social media are nothing more than a mirror of what we are willing to give and receive. Social media have added to my life; I have met people that I would not have met otherwise. People on the other side of the world, but also people closer to home. People that enrich my life in ways I could not have imagined. Sweet and caring people, authentic people who are willing to show their true faces, their real lives. I am blessed to have met them.

One of these people is the beautiful Ragna. Although I have never met her in real life, she is as real to me as real can be. She’s a feisty lady with cutting edge humour, she’s compassionate and caring, she is sweet and an overall good person. And I love her. It feels strange to say that about someone I have known only for a few months, someone I have never met in real life, but what else could be this feeling that has invaded my heart, the warmth I feel when I see her picture, the joy when we exchange information, the pride for her accomplisments, the tears when she’s hurting, the need to comfort her and hug her, the anticipation to meet her again the next day, this nauseating feeling when I think of the possibility that that could very well not be the case.

Ragna and I intend to meet in real life. Sometime, soon. I can’t wait. I close my eyes and imagine giving her a warm hug. Feels so good, more real than I could have ever imagined.  We just talk, we laugh and we cry, like we do online, only more intense. I hope I get the chance to meet her, I really do. Just once would be great. Meeting her more than once would be a dream come true. It would mean all went well. The neurologist repaired the blood coil that posed a risk to her health, he was amazed at how smooth the surgeries went, and he is confident her recovery will amaze us all. Tomorrow, he’ll operate on her for the first time to see what the situation is. After that, when everything goes all right, he’ll operate again to repair whatever needs to be repaired.

It will not be easy, but I intend not to worry. Instead, I’m going to imagine Ragna and I walking past rows and rows of blooming peonies at the nursery nearby. Laughing, making fun and choosing our mutual number one, trying not to spend too much money on peonies we have no clue where to plant and not too eat too much of the delicious pie the lady of the nursery bakes herself. It may be a dream, but I’d rather dream a gorgeous dream than worry the day away. Will you please join me and let the wonderful energy of your dreams be the wind in the sails of this lovely captain who is courageously steering her ship by starlight.

Want to know more about Ragna? Look at her Ted x Maastricht video This is your captain speaking and be amazed by her spirit.

When things are bothering us, big things, small things, people often advice us to let go. But we usually have no clue how to do that. And mostly, we feel that it is impossible to let go or even that we don’t want to let go. I’m no buddhist monk, but in 10 years of actively letting go, I have learned one or two things about this proces that I really would like to share with you.  So, ‘letting go’ what does that mean?

We all have pains, big pains, small pains. And we all suffer. Yet pain and suffering are not the same. Pain is a physical experience, suffering is a story we tell ourselves about our pain. Letting go primarily is a proces in which we work on acknowledging that our story is a story we tell ourselves, and that our view only is a small part of a greater picture. Letting go is a proces in which we softly allow ourselves to see that greater picture, a proces in which we soften our resistance to the whole picture. It is about accepting that things may be different than we believe them to be, that there are many things we cannot know for sure and then choosing the story that does justice to all we are and / or to all involved. Letting go is like a building a bridge. A bridge between the story we tell ourselves that is hurting us and the story that may be equally true, but would give us peace instead.

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Yesterday, it hit me: I’ve been here before. I’m not talking about reincarnation. I mean I have been at this exact stage of learning this same lesson. Last time I was here, I do remember me saying that now that I got it I would finally live my life the way I was meant to. Yesterday, I was about to say the same. But I didn’t. It suddenly occurred to me that although it may not have been the way I had had in mind, interestingly enough I had. 

Where some time ago I would have felt immense frustration for seemingly not moving forward, I now see that I have moved forward immensely. Maybe not on the outside, but very much on the inside. My image of myself and of the world has changed enormously, and therefore I have changed.  It is a 180˚ change. It may be what people call transformation. I have no doubt that this change will manifest in my life. As Abraham Hicks states: “That which is like unto itself is drawn.” All I have to do is keep moving in the direction of my dreams, inside and out, even if I seem to be moving at turtle speed.

image by Federico Stevanin 

A box standing at the foot of my bed. Symbol of what is happening in my life. I have been meaning to put it in the attic, but things have changed, and I now will bring it to charity instead. Someday. Soon. But not today. I’m not ready yet. 

In the box is nothing of great value, just some clothes that have been worn by my daughter. Clothes that I had hoped would someday belong to another girl, my girl, a sister to my daughter. It’s an image I have carried with me my whole life, me having two daughters. I did not know how attached I was to that image until I decided to let it go. Strangely enough, I have complete peace with that decision, because I know in my heart of hearts that is the right decision for me, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. 

That box is one among many. Some are physical, others mental. But they all have one thing in common, they will have to go. I know that, but I’m not quite ready, yet. And that’s okay.

We all have our ‘boxes’. Things and images we hold onto long after they had their use, that clutter up our homes and hearts. We all have boxes we need to let go off. We all have decluttering to do. Decluttering means clearing our lives of visible and invisible clutter. However, decluttering is not about randomly and rigorously throwing out boxes. Some are let go of easily, but others will take effort. An effort that respects our feelings towards its content, a process that makes peace with our new reality. The box at the foot of my bed needs some more bridging, a closing of the gap between what I know to be right for me on one side and my feelings on the other side. I know that day is coming, but untill it does, that box stays put. 

What I know for sure is that Life is dynamic. Life is a magnificent river of energy. And when we allow that energy to flow freely, our lives thrive. In order for our lives to thrive, we need to let go of anything that holds us back. We need to make room for the unfolding of what Life has is store for us.