The tipping point

28 01 2010

It is as if the light has been switched on in the dark. A radical change in perception. What seemed gloomy before, now has a shine to it. A miracle. Had I not been reading Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point, I would not have understood how my sense of being could have tipped so suddenly. The subtitle ‘How little things can make a big difference’ says it all. The book is a biography of the phenomenon that trends don’t incline or decline linearly, but tip suddenly. This tipping point most likely isn’t the result of some major event, but of small events that create a kind of domino-effect, for better or worse.

Nothing grand has happened to me over the last days, just some minor things that made me tip. Tuesday, I felt something I can only describe as realignment, fitting together seamlessly again, not fragmented anymore. Sitting on the couch, looking up from the book as I do sometimes to watch my garden, the green leaves of the ivy looked brighter, the dead leaves of the beech-hedge seemed alive and even my rather dull shed had its own beauty. I felt like myself again, just like that. The same and yet different, a new and improved me, version 17.1. Less judgemental, more compassionate, stronger, wiser, humbled and grateful. For no special reason, all of a sudden, I was aware of the happiness in between, the happiness that is, no matter what. After a long period of struggling, I came home to myself.

I don’t know what made me tip. Was it the wonderful conversation with a client, the renewed decision to try to be more open and aware, listening to an interview with Jon Kabat-Zinn, going for a walk in the park, or accepting an invitation by a dear colleague?  I know that all by themselves these things would not have had a spectacular effect, merely a small boost, but together, at the right time in a slowly inclining trend, they added up to a revolution.  My revolution. It is a great lesson not to wait for that big thing to happen, but to just try to make little changes for the better.  And before you know it, big change will come your way.

Expecto Patronus

14 01 2010

Vampires they’re called, Nazgûl, Spectres of Indifference, Harpies or Dementors. They are the un-dead. Fictional entities that feed upon your very essence and leave you lifeless, that feed upon your misery and taunt you with everything you ever did wrong. In their presence, you feel surrounded by the darkness of your deepest fears. All the light seems gone and it feels impossible to think happy thoughts. This is our ego at its worst.

I know the pain and fear I’m feeling are a figment of my ego, but that doesn’t make it less real. I feel as if I am Nothing. It is the worst feeling I can imagine. The pain is so dark, I have no words to describe it. I have felt this pain before. Ten years ago, I would have done anything to make it go away.

Although difficultly, these dark creatures can be fended off. Of the fictional heroes that succeed in doing so, Harry Potter and Lyra Silvertongue are my favorite. Love is their primary motive. Humaneness and courage are their main assets. To me, their struggle with the dark side holds valuable lessons. To protect himself, Harry creates in his mind a picture of his happiest memory to produce a Patronus, a shield of positivity on which Dementors can feed. And in her despair, the not always truthful Lyra learns that Harpies, who seemingly feed on our misery, will actually feed on any story, if true.

The pain is as intense as it was ten years ago, but I am not the same. I am stronger, wiser. I now know the Light that is my essence, that is Consciousness, that is Love. Where this Light shines there can be no darkness. However difficult, I need to hold in my heart and mind feelings and thoughts that nurture my soul. Most of all I need to be bold enough to tell my ego the true story of me, which mainly is a story of love, courage and creativity.

Now is my time to really step up for myself, to feel the Love that I am and to let my Light shine.

No more drama

5 01 2010

2009 was my year of truth. I got knocked over by something that was bigger than me. I quickly came to realize what the challenge was about, but there was no way I could fathom how deep I would have to go. All my experiences were designed to teach me one thing: to be true to my self. Feeling worthy, adhering worth to what I feel to be true, over what others say or do. I thought I had conquered the fear of unworthiness some time ago, but it seems I had only cut down the tree, not uprooted it entirely. Faced with my worst demon, the fear started budding again. For almost 30 years, on some level, I have felt guilt for not being good enough, blamed myself for everything that went wrong, tried to fix everything that did not work by adapting myself. No more. I’ve finally chosen to confront the fear I have carried with me most of my life. Today, no matter what, I simply am me. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. When something is off, I still feel this need to make everything work, to be a ‘better’ person, but unless it is I who created the problem in the first place, I don’t do a thing.  In the process, I think I lost a friend or two and that hurts. It hurts because it confirms what my ego believes to be true: I am simply not good enough. It hurts so much, that it almost feels impossible not to adapt myself into that person I think others would like me to be. Almost, I said, for I feel I’m getting stronger every time I stay close to myself.

Happy New Year

5 01 2010

‘Never lose an opportunity of seeing anything that is beautiful; for beauty is God’s handwriting.’

Ralph Waldo Emerson

May you experience the unspeakable sense of awe when you discover the presence of beauty in places where you have never seen her before. – Norea