There’s no going back

22 02 2010

This weekend someone asked me, suppose you could go back in time, what age would you want to be again? To her 25 seemed ideal. And she seemed somewhat disbelieving, when I said I could not imagine a better age than the one I had right now.
At the age of 27, I made the conscious decision to grow into who I am meant to be. In the ten years that have passed, I have allowed my life to unfold by accepting the lessons it presented. Going back in time would undo all the lessons I have learned so far, and there were many.
I have learned that periods of growth are never linear, always chaotic. For they hold a paradigm shift, life will never be the same again once you pass the point of no return.  You’re giving birth to a new self and as in real labour, there is no going back. And even though these periods are marked by feelings of uncertainty, because our life or our view of life is being turned upside down and inside out, and we feel resistance because we want our lives to remain the same, they deepen our understanding and enrich our lives. 
The nature of life is change. This moment will pass, and so will the next and the next. I am now, in this moment, a culmination of my past and the origin of my future, a cradle for infinite possibilities. It is only in being present right now right here, that I experience life. Trading this moment for another would mean that I miss out on the only life I have, now. I wouldn’t want to miss that for anything in the world.

The case of the unloved self

21 02 2010

As long as I can remember, I have craved love. More specifically, I have craved feeling loved. And from some people more than others. Yesterday, I realized, this craving and the hurt it causes simply is a case of overextended expectations and the consequential dissapointment. It is not only unreasonable on my behalf, it most of all is very deceptive. Unconsciously believing I can only feel loved when others express their love for me. Expecting them to express this love in ways that make me feel loved. The ultimate deception being I cannot give myself all the love I need to feel completely loved.

I emanated from the same Source from which everything comes into being. I am One with all that is. The Love I feel comes from the same Source of being from which I  was born. I am Love. How can I not be? The Love I feel from others is this Love reflected back at me. How can I not feel loved? Only in denying this Love, in disregarding the fullness of who I am, I feel unloved. Feeling completely loved is born in consciousness, in the full acceptance of self.