Full disclosure.

24 10 2010

 

When I turned thirty, I celebrated life. I celebrated the gift of choice. I celebrated the turn-around from wanting to die to wanting to live. I got healthy, both body and mind. I was strong and flexible in most areas of my life. Life got better and better. It got good to the point where, on some level, I secretly believed there was nothing more to be gained … and then all hell broke loose.

 

Sitting here, feeling a profound peace, I look back at almost two years of chaos and disruption and see the perfect orchestration of events that led to the lessons I needed to learn more than anything; to love myself fully and completely without outside validation; to shed the grief of living in constant fear of not being loved and the choices that  evolved naturally. 

This year, turning thirty-eight, I celebrate my life. I celebrate the freedom that comes through choice. I celebrate the turn-around from wanting to becoming. For the first time in my life, I am fully present. I’m not being kept back by limiting beliefs from my past; spending my time doing what I love most; marveling at the future that is awaiting, crafting it deliberately. For the first time in my life, there is no need to hold back anymore; I am free. 

 





A tree is known by its fruit

5 10 2010

 

Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers.‘  - Luke 6:44 

Last time, I wrote about doing The Work. As the method suggests I filled in a ‘judge-your-neighbor’ worksheet. I let my ego run the show uncensoredly. No matter how petty or ugly it was, I wrote it down. Until it could think of nothing to write about anymore. Then Byron Katie asked me to answer four questions for each statement that I made and again she asked that I not hold back. And finally, I had to turn my statements around. This was the most enlightening part of the exercise. My statement ‘He shouldn’t ignore me.’ became ‘I shouldn’t ignore him.’ and ‘I shouldn’t ignore me.’, which both were true and, of course, was what the exercise was all about.

Funny thing is, when you’ve done The Work, your work is done. Somehow on a subconscious level this exercise changes the way you look at life. It cleans the lense through which your see, and leaves you with a more accurate view on yourself and the world.

For me, the exercise has brought peace and joy in ways that I could not have imagined. When I get up in the morning, I’m eager to start my day. When things go differently than planned, I have no or at least a lot less trouble to accept the situation as it is and shift my attention to what IS working. But what is most surprising to me, is that I am completely at peace with the person and the situation that challenged me to do The Work in the first place. The anger and sadness have dissipated. When I met him again, last week, I felt completely at ease with the situation and I knew that nothing he would say or do, could take away my joy. And in that space that I had created for me to be myself and for him to be himself, I watched him open up a bit. What a blessing that was!