Uncovering my inner Roo

27 11 2013

 

 

I love Winnie the Pooh! Ever since I read A.A. Milne’s books and was rolling on the floor laughing, literally. tears rolling down my cheeks. Where I used to just love the humour, over the years I have come to appreciate how all characters are aspects of our psyche, and how spot on they are. I used to be equal parts Piglet, Eejoor and Rabbit, with a bit of Kanga and Tigger, which was a rather unhappy mix: insecurity, gloom and  fear, with some motherly caring and and a hint of unchanneled excitement. No Pooh to be present NOW, fortunately no Owl either, but also no Christopher Robin to put things in perspective and bring compassion to my life or Roo to add childlike innocence and enthusiasm. Nowadays, I would describe myself as equal parts Christopher Robin and Kanga, some Pooh, and bits of Piglet, Eejoor, Rabbit and Tigger. Today, I am on an ‘expotition’ to uncover my inner Roo.

When it comes to family, I know very well what excites me, and I know how to foster that and create upward momentum. For other areas in my life, I have learned rather well to inhibit what excites me, especially anything that could lead to a monetary reward.  Anything potentially ‘work-related’ and I feel clueless.  This is where it gets interesting, because I understand that in using the word ‘clueless’ I add to the momentum of my idea of cluelessness. And when I focus on being ‘clueless’ my minds opens the whole scala of concepts that are related to cluelessness, which opens a whole array of emotions that are tied to this feeling of cluelessness. And before I know it I am sucked in and see my reaction to the word clueless as evidence of my cluelessness, while it merely is a consequence of my focus.
Enter Roo. I really want to learn to redirect my focus from the feeling of ‘cluelessness’ which is just powerlessness in one of its many disguises to an expectant  innocence, in which I don’t know what will happen, but am confident that everything will work out for the best. I want to be excited about something and dream big, even if in my mind this seems seems impossible. Innocence is a heart-set, not a mind-set.

When it comes to family, I know how to combine innocence with great expectations, and even more importantly I know how to keep the fire roaring in the daily grind. I would even say that it becomes easier and easier, because I know better and better what it feels like to have an awesome familiy life. Confidence, excitement and intention fueling  each other.
With anything work-related, I never had that combination. Instead, there were equal parts insecurity, fear and gloom and a touch of excitement. They too fuel each other, but lead to an opposite momentum, that is sure to kill any fire any time. In the past months, I have come to a neutral kind of loving what I do, and being alright with not knowing what is going to come from it, but there is no fire, no burning yes inside. I have come to the conclusion that I want to be excited about my work. I have gained enough discernement to know that excitement is not something I have to find in my work, it is something I have to find within myself. So next to writing, painting and having an amazing last month of the year with my family, I am going to explore what excites me, what lights my soul, sets my heart on fire and excites my mind. And once I know what resonates with all of me, once I know what kindles childlike enthusiasm and inspires great dreams, I am going to learn to bounce upward like Tigger and forward like Roo. I am going to foster my excitement. From a cinder I will create a roaring fire by adding daily intention, and confidence. Because what I have learned is that it is not important to feel confident about what you do, but it is very important that you know that whatever happens you will be allright. I may not know how to go about things, but I know that I am cared for, Life provides for me, I am going to be allright.

 





I intend to feel great

20 11 2013

 

 

For so long I have been chasing things like being a good person, being healthy, being happy, being successful, making money, having a career. But those things don’t matter any more. Yes, I love having most of the above, but I am no longer striving to have them. All I want is to feel great.

There are still (many) days when I fall back into old habitual patterns of thought and behavior, when I put a lot of effort in the things I want to accomplish. When I don’t set the deliberate intent to feel great and I unintentionally let  life’s whims rule how I feel. Those days are characterized by feeling off and waning energy. I now see that being ruled by life is the ultimate way to give away my power. If there would be a root of evil, it is this, to give away my power. For it prohibits Life to flow through me, and leaves me powerless, without energy.

If there would be sin, which I don’t believe, it is to live unintentionally, to not be master of my thoughts and emotions, to be prey to whatever life presents to me, be it fortune or misfortune. From now on, I intend to feel great no matter what. I intend to wake up feeling great and keep that momentum going. So if you feel me zoning out on your story or if I react to your story with less empathy than you are used from me, it is not because I don’t love you anymore, it is just that I value feeling great over getting caught up in your energy, because in the end it will do us both no favor. When you are feeling down, I will most lovingly do my utmost best to stay centered. This way, I throw you a proverbial rope and all you have to do is take it and climb up. Because yes, all I want is to feel great, but what I want even more is for us both to feel great.

 

photo by Pontus Edenberg

 





On avoiding snowballs and finding light switches

13 11 2013

 

 

What I have noticed this week is that with the gaining of focus there is the development of momentum. This is amazing when I am feeling great and it is awkward when I am feeling not so great, but it works both ways. You know how it works. One minute you’re feeling great and the next something ticks you off and somehow within minutes the ‘evidence’ is piling up and you are getting angrier and angrier, or sadder and sadder. And as much as you want to think a different thought, you are no longer in control, you cannot stop it anymore. Think in terms of a snowball rolling off-hill, amassing volume and speed. You can catch the snowball when it is the size of a small ball, any bigger than a basket ball and it will sweep you off your feet. Read the rest of this entry »





Wouldn’t it be great…

6 11 2013

 

 

I used to be a very good focuser. True, I focused on the wrong thing, but still I was a very good focuser. By default, we focus on what is active within us, for me that was pain, lots of pain. Giving my attention to what was hurting me, what had hurt me, and I was, no surprise, continuing to feel hurt.
After my daughter was born and I chose to actively care for her in the first few years, I learned to focus in this moment, to be really present now. That little bundle of life made it so easy for me to feel good. As a result, I was so open to life, so appreciative of life that I have no words to describe that state. When I started working again, my energy got mingled up again with that of others, and somewhere along the way old pain was activated and in my misconception I intently focused on it in order to work through it. I wanted nothing more than to move through the pain, but as I focused on it I just added to it. And I added so much that my body said, ‘enough!’ I got ill. In an ingenious way, my body short circuited my focusing mechanisms. I was unable to hold a thought for more than a two to five seconds. Had trouble processing language. And at some days could not even focus my eyes. Although it led to some weird scenes in our home, and made life overly complicated in some areas, what it mainly did was to get my focus off the pain I had kept activating. What happened then was that I started feeling better, and I noticed that although I didn’t have a long enough attention span for words and thoughts, I did have an amazing attention span for feeling good. And I learned to focus on that, and once I learned that, things got better and better.
Once my body healed, I got part of my focus back. And In the past years, through contrast, I discovered Read the rest of this entry »