My grand adventure

29 10 2014



There isn’t much to tell. Or actually there is, but I don’t have the language yet to do that. I am in the process of recreating my speech. I am learning to speak a new reality, and I feel like a beginner again. It feels a bit overwhelming, because I don’t know exactly how to go about it.
In the course I am doing, last week Jean Houston discussed the idea of accessing our inner experts. We all have a host of them, cook, mechanic, driver, psychologist, gardener, you name it, and we can access their knowledge and know-how when we are either learning something similar, a new skill or even when we are stuck and need a new perspective. As I was writing the first sentences of this essay, not knowing where it was leading yet, intuitively inserting what I am learning in the course, it hit me that I am actually very good at learning foreign languages. I have a master’s in French linguistics and literature and I have taught myself to speak and write English at the level that I do now. One could say I know a thing or two about learning languages. Not only that, I also am an expert in experiential learning and an expert on personal transformation. Thinking of it, I have done this before, not as radical as this, but I have. In these past years, I have slowly changed my speech patterns to reflect the new reality that was unfolding within me. Seeing ‘my problem’ in this light shifts the task at hand from daunting to fun.

I know far more than I thought I did, and I can use my expertise in the field of language learning, my expertise of the process involved and my understanding of this new reality in transforming my speech. For example, as a language learner I look for opportunities to immerse myself in the new language.  I read, watch TV series in the original language, I listen to radio shows in the language I am aiming for and I actively look for and create real life contact moments with native speakers. As an experiential learner, I know that I learn by doing, by making mistakes and then non-judgmentally finding a better suited way, I know how my brain works, how neuronal pathways get strengthened through sustained focus and wither through lack of focus. As an expert on transformation, I know the stages of transformation, I know how to begin with the end in mind, and I have tips and tricks to bypass pitfalls, which make the transformation smoother, easier. By combining the knowledge and strengths of my inner experts, this project doesn’t feel overwhelming anymore. I know what to do, and I feel empowered by that.

Interestingly, I feel like one of my favorite quotes, which comes from the movie Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin. It is the afternoon of an early autumn day, when Christopher Robin tries to tell Pooh that things are about to change as he will start ‘skool’ the next day. When Pooh, being a bear with very little brain, doesn’t understand what his best friend is telling him, Christopher Robin says: “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” When Pooh and his friends can’t find Christopher Robin the next day, they go on a search. Their journey leads them through prickly bushes, a deep fog and even into the terrifying ‘Skull’. When Christopher Robin finds them, as he comes back from ‘skool’, his stuffed friends have all discovered an aspect of themselves that they had been blind to up until then, and it transforms their way of being. Just like Pooh, I discovered that I am smarter than I thought I was. It feels amazing. Thank you, Jean!


The next step

22 10 2014



Recently, I was talking to someone, and I found myself adapting to where they are on their journey by very subtly omitting certain things from my story and highlighting others. I instantly heard Marianne Williamson whisper into my ear: “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” I still play small, I still shrink in order not to loose friends and alienate people. But it doesn’t feel good anymore. There has to be a middle way that honors everyone involved.

The time has come to let go of my past, to stop referring to it. As much as it has made me into who I am today, it is irrelevant to my becoming. Once I stop mentioning it, it can no longer serve as a shield, as an excuse. On the love ladder there is no room for anything that isn’t rooted in love. If I want to go up, I have to let go of lack and limitation. The method I will use is the simplest I can think of, and a very effective one at that. I used it to radically alter my thinking and my self-talk. Anything I say has to be in the direction of my becoming. If I cannot think of anything that expresses love, abundance, or potential, I will choose to respond neutrally or not. I will become conscious of what is going on on the inside, and address that instead of giving advice or sharing my expertise. I will become aware of the fear-based habits and reactions that emerge, and let them go instead of expressing them. I choose to be focused in the NOW, to be all that I AM, in this moment and every moment on.


Picture by Felipe Daniel Reis

The perfect body

15 10 2014



In my life, my body has not always ‘cooperated’ in ways I preferred. There have even been times when I believed my body was against me, was hindering my expansion. I would work somewhere and my body would make it impossible to do that job any longer. That always felt like a huge relief and at the same time immensely frustrating, because I really wanted to work. I remember working as a receptionist, when I developed a sudden loss of voice, neither the specialist at the hospital nor the speech therapist could find anything, but for weeks I could barely speak. As they found someone else to do my job, and my service was no longer needed, my voice slowly returned. From the loss of function in my hands to the loss of function in my legs, to being completely exhausted at 10am, and a host of other ‘complaints’, I have lived it all.

Having been confronted with so many and often bizarre physical dysfunctions that modern medicine had no answers to, I have learned to look at my body differently.  Nowadays, when I am confronted with some physical issue, I look at it symbolically. What is my body trying to tell me? What wisdom is she trying to convey? Looking for the gift, I celebrate my body. I celebrate that she loves me so much that she is willing to cause havoc in a naturally smooth functioning system. I celebrate the ingenious ways in which she is communicating with me. I will ask her what she is trying to tell me, and the answer always arises, sooner or later. There is no doubt in my mind that the answers that come up are true, because of the truthbumps I will feel first and the peace that will invariably follow. After I have found ‘the gift’, the issue will no longer be an issue, yes it still may be painful, but it won’t bother me anymore. It will simply be a reminder of a wonderful gift, a reason to fully appreciate its presence.  And usually the pain and the ‘problem’ will disappear directly, soon after, or after I have done what I need to do, or learned what I need to learn.

In the West, we have learned to look at our bodies mechanically, when something isn’t functioning, we should have it fixed. Our bodies have become void of wisdom, of soul. I have learned that if we are willing to look at our bodies as part of all that we are, as vessels for Source Energy to flow through, vessels for God to live through, our bodies will speak to us. They become messengers of this divine Energy that is inspiring us to live our full potential. They guide us where to go, and where not to go, tell us where we are on our journey, and even foretell us what is in store for us. It has taken some time, but I love this physical body of mine. My body is perfect for me. In every moment, my body is perfect as it is, ‘flaws’ and all.


picture by Alex Bramwell

Perfect timing

8 10 2014



For most of my life, I lived a life rooted in fear. I have moved through the valley of death, as the psalmist calls it, and now am on the other side of the divide. Life is different here. Not just different, it is so different that it is in some ways unrelatable. I love it and at the same time feel somewhat lost. I know the old ways don’t work anymore, but I have not developed any new ways yet. This is especially true in the case of motivation. On the other side, my main motivator was FEAR, all capitals. I was always running away from something. I was basically powered by stress hormones. It required nothing of my side, it was a completely automated process. From the worst case scenario visualization, feeling it viscerally, to knowing that it would come true and then running like hell, trying to stay one step ahead of disaster. I could always force myself to go an extra mile. I could run for hours without taking a break. Actually, I could run until I collapsed from exhaustion. I can’t do this anymore, it simply doesn’t work. When I try it anyway, because I really want something and it is the only way I know how, the flow of energy is blocked within minutes.

Last week, after I wrote my blog I was thinking it would be nice if there were something to help me navigate this new reality. That same evening, I heard a talk by Jean Houston. I had heard about her, but never had heard her speak yet. I was enchanted, I loved her style, but most of all I loved what she was talking about. At a certain moment I felt a bolt of lightning; she was talking about the exact same thing I was wanting to learn. And she was giving an online course on the subject too. I had found my guide. What an amazing manifestation. It took another day for me to spend that kind of money on myself for something so completely intangible, but I did. Today, at 5 pm PST, the first lesson of seven will start. Fortunately for me, they have a recorded session I can listen to tomorrow, because getting up at 2 am is not conducive to learning anything as far as I am concerned. I am very excited about benefitting from Jean’s 50+ years of experience. I am looking forward to immersing myself in the depth and richness of her vast experience, and to learning new skills and meeting new people. I have no expectations about the outcome, it know this is what I have to do now and I know it will be the perfect experience for me now. I am completely open to all it can bring and will bring.


image by Melodi2

A perfect reflection

1 10 2014



This morning, I witnessed the most wondrous thing. Now you have to know that I believe that everything that grabs my attention in the outer world is a perfect reflection of what is going on in my inner world. Let me elaborate on that a bit. We and everything around us basically are clumps of energy. Energy vibrates. Everything vibrates at its own frequency. Objects that vibrate at the same frequency resonate. The world we experience is made up of people, events and experiences that resonate with us. In this sense, we create our own reality.

Yesterday, I was looking for an answer to a question. I wanted to know where I am on my journey and what step to take next. I usually try to do too much too soon, and I wanted to take a different route this time. This morning, as I was sitting in my bed, drinking a cup of coffee, writing in my journal and intermittently staring out the window, I got my answer. We have a huge triangular window in the bedroom and in the upper corner, a group of geese entered my sight.  They weren’t flying in their usual V-shape, but were sort of scattered. As I watched, they stopped going forward. Most of them were suspended in mid-air,  clapping their wings not to go down, as the rest of them were rearranging themselves. From my view point, it looked chaotic, but they seemed to know what they were doing, because all of a sudden, they started moving forward again, a perfect V emerged and then within seconds they organically altered their course.

I was mind-blown. What I had witnessed was the perfect reflection of what is happening in my brain. The old isn’t working anymore, the patterns that used to control my life are suspended in mid-air, they have to give way to a new leader. At the moment, new patterns are finding their place, reorganizing the whole. On some days, this process feels chaotic, awkward and frustrating. My old self wants to get moving, it doesn’t particularly care in which direction, as long as it is moving. On most days, however, I trust the process, this new emerging self knows that I am not ready yet and takes the time it needs to do what it has to do to prepare for the next stage of the journey. Like the geese, I’m suspended in mid-air, clapping my wings, allowing the new self to take form. I don’t know how or when, but I know that everything I need to do in order to move in the direction of that new self will reveal itself to me, be it a  flash of insight, a person, a situation or event, or a perfect reflection in the outer world.


image by mirofoto