The other way

18 02 2015



We live in a word that goes fast, really fast. And the world wants us to go fast too. We need to be productive and efficient, not to get side-tracked, to keep as many balls in the air as possible, and we need to let it seem easy. On the other hand, we believe that life is a struggle, and that things don’t go easy, we have to make sacrifices to make our dreams come true. But what if that just isn’t true. What if our expectation makes it so?

We are all deeply indoctrinated by today’s culture of productivity. It almost is the new god, and I am no longer willing to bow to it. What I have found lately is that I want to realize a lot of things, but that the thing I crave most, most of the time, is time to think and read and do nothing and meditate and release and sit with my eyes closed and sleep and be alone. These notions seem incongruent. How can you realize your dreams without laser-like focus and massive action? I don’t know, but I do know that I feel a lot of resistance trying to make things happen through what is perceived as the way to producing results. What if there is nothing wrong with me?  What if I just feel the need to do things differently. What if there really is another way? What if I stopped trying to make things happen?

This week, as it is a school vacation, I gave into reading and doing nothing, I allowed myself to sit quietly with my eyes closed and do nothing. What if I learned to accept that part of myself? What if I stopped fighting it, and stopped feeling guilty over this non-doing. Part of me finds this very scary. What if I get stuck in doing ‘nothing’? What if that is all there ever will be? I have big dreams, and sitting still and doing nothing does not seem the way to go about that, yet it is what every cell in my body is screaming. Maybe it is time to heed that voice, that other part of myself. Maybe it is time to surrender even more, to learn to trust the wisdom of my soul, to allow my life to be organized by the counterintuitive principles of the universe. It feels like a free fall, letting go of all mores and relinquishing control.

I am perfect as I am. This perfection is not being free of imperfections, it is a cosmic perfection that includes all my perceived imperfections. I am perfect for being me. I am unique, like my thumb print. There never has been and there never will be someone exactly like me. This is what self-acceptance is, not to simply accept our perceived flaws, but to embrace and celebrate our uniqueness. It is the courage to do things our way, no matter what anybody else is saying or doing. It is knowing that our soul won’t lie to us. It is trusting things to work out perfectly, even if we don’t know how, because our soul tells us so. My soul tells me that expectation is key, that I need to expect without a doubt. I don’t know how to do that yet, but I will follow the trail of bread crumbs and start doing things the other way, my way. I will leave my guilt behind me, and read and meditate and release and do nothing with a vengeance. I expect things to work out for the best, because my soul tells me so.


picture by Maja Piskorska

Red hot anger

11 02 2015



If you met me in the past weeks and still like me, you either are a serious people lover, a masochist, or someone who knows me for a long time and knows that I was not my usual self. I mean, I did not even like myself. Releasing on the subject of self-value and self-confidence, I had hit on a massive block of anger. Red hot anger. And where it usually is hidden very nicely under layers of denial and my desire to be kind, it had risen to just under the surface. It was palpable, not only to myself but also to others. Rather unpleasant, always on the verge of erupting. Last Sunday, I could no longer push it down, nor did I want to, but I was not ready to face it either, or willing to explode, so I imploded. Which meant that I allowed the anger run free through my body and mind. Not pretty, not effective, but the best I could do at that moment. Needless to say, I had an interesting Sunday. My anger was directed towards my husband, who was running a 30K that day, which was both the provocation of my anger and lucky for him. Of course, he could feel that something was very off, but I told him not to worry about it, I might be angry because of something he did, and my anger might be directed at him, but he wasn’t the source of my anger. I would process it and then I would share.

It took me the whole day to get to the point where I was ready to go to the source of my anger. I am  not good with anger. My primary emotion is sadness, which I know how to handle. Anger on the other hand is something I have learned to suppress. Anger feels very threatening to me. And after what happened during releasing I understand why. After sitting on the couch most of the evening, venting internally, not able to concentrate on anything else, my husband silently tucked away in a corner, doing his best not to attract my attention in anyway, I said I was going to bed. What I meant was that I was going to release. Something I usually do in the safe space I call my bed.
Releasing this anger was one of the most intense things I ever did. In the process, I discovered that red hot anger is not just an expression, nor is the Dutch saying “je gal spugen” (litterally spit your bile which means to speak your anger). The region around my belly button was so hot you could fry an egg on it, and it was cramping and stinging involuntarily. The energy between my hands was so hot it was actually painful to my hands, and I had to resist the urge to break the interaction. Then there was this horrid taste in my mouth which took me some time to recognize as bile. Yet all this physical releasing was  nothing compared to the emotional part of the process, the raw anger that I felt. There was such power behind it, releasing it was a scary experience. Somehow I felt like I had landed in a live version of The Exorcist. Brrrr!
I felt the anger I had stored for not having been heard, for not having my emotional and physical needs met when I was too young to provide that for myself. I felt anger for my voice not to matter, for it not having been valued, for me not having been valued for who I am. For the first time in my life, I felt the intense anger directed toward my father for not being able to provide the emotional safety and support I had needed as a child. And I felt the anger I held for myself for being so impressionable, for perpetuating the pattern, for not seeing my value, for allowing people to treat me the way they did. And then it subsided. I went downstairs, I gave my husband a hug and went to sleep. I have never slept so peacefully. I felt cared for, watched over. But that wasn’t the end of the process. Yesterday, after watching a masterclass with Harv Eker, when I layed in bed, I noticed a heightened energy around my belly button. I played with it and released whatever needed to be released. This releasing was impersonal and more of a simple energetic adjustment than anything else. And then this morning, at breakfast, after I won our daily game of egg tapping, I felt a giggle rising up from my toes, bubbly like champagne, I just laughed and laughed and laughed uncontrollably, until it subsided minutes later. It was bizarre and logical at the same time. The pain was healed, the process done.

Most people are uncomfortable around this subject of sitting in your pain and allowing it to flow through you. Some because they are afraid of what will come up, because they don’t know if they can handle it and others because they believe that you should not focus on any negativity. To the first group I will say that your psyche will only process what you are ready to process. Remember that I have been doing this for years, and I never got anything that was too big for my plate. To the second group I will say that you have been falsely led to believe that ignoring negativity is the same as positivity, it is not. True positivity is being able to deal with what is happening by facing it compassionately and honestly, instead of sticking your head in the sand and hoping it will pass quickly. Whatever negativity you notice in the world is present within you. Without addressing it effectively, it will keep you back and limit you, until you are ready to feel the pain it is causing you and release it. Any perceived negativity within or without is a misalignment with your true nature, a limitation of your full potential. It is a conflict between your ego and your soul. It is an opportunity for growth and an invitation to expand. Take it.


Image by Juan Perez

Some thoughts on releasing

4 02 2015



In our home, we have a ventilation system that sucks out stale air and blows in fresh air. Last year, we felt it didn’t work that well and we decided it needed to be cleaned. Apparently, we were long overdue and some of our pipes were clogged. So they put a sort of reversed vacuum on it and blew out all the stuff that was blocking the airflow. The results were nothing short of amazing.
Most humans have a clogged energetic system. Built-up thoughts, emotions and even altered physiology are blocking the energetic flow. We are the only species who add insult to injury by resisting what happens to us. We create an emotional story of why it shouldn’t have happened to us, and in doing so we add a lot of energy to the trauma. What we give energy to grows. By adding energy to the trauma, we make it grow in such a way that it not only affects our thoughts, emotions and beliefs, but also our biology.
Part of our transformation process is that we release what is clogging our system. We let go of old thoughts, emotions, and beliefs in order to live life fully. What we need to understand about this process is that there is no one way to go about it. However, there seems to be a pattern in which I go from thoughts to emotions to beliefs.

Releasing thoughts is the easiest and least sustainable. Only releasing thoughts will lead to a relapse where we think the same thoughts we were thinking before. Releasing emotions is more effective and asks for courage, because we allow the emotions we did not express at the time of the trauma and every time the trauma recurred to surface and come out. This can be very painful, because the pain feels as real as it did at the time of the trauma, and scary, because when we surrender to the process, not interfering in any way, we feel very vulnerable. Purging our emotions is a very healthy thing to do, but if we don’t change the deep-held beliefs that cause our emotions it only gives temporarily relief. Releasing the beliefs takes focus and determination. Beliefs are part of our biology and releasing them is a very physical process. We have to focus on our intention to release the belief that has been written over the original coding, on our energy and on the parts of our body that feel highlighted. As a result our bodies can move and twitch uncontrollably. It can even feel as if something else is working through us. All we have to do is stick with it, until it subsides. When it has subsided, we may feel exhausted, excited and everything in between. We may even feel as if nothing has happened. There is no wrong or right way to feel. What I have learned is that things usually change subtly and over a the period of a few weeks, especially when we have worked on the deepest level.

There is no set period for this releasing process. It may take weeks for me to go from one level to the other, or it may all happen in a day, like it did yesterday. And it isn’t linear either, I can go back and forth between the different levels for a prolonged period of time before it feels done. I have yet come to like it, but I keep at it, because the results are nothing short of amazing.


image by Guenter Kirchweger