Untethering the soul

29 04 2015



Yesterday, I read a post by Jeff Foster about a healing. It resembled closely the physical healings I experienced.There were a lot of comments from both people who, like me, have experienced the miracle of healing and people who have not but were all too willing to have theirs. There were a lot of truths and a lot of misconceptions.  I am not pretending to know all about healing, I don’t, but I have learned one or two things on my journey.  I think the number one misconception is that a healing is physical. It is not. Healing is the process of returning to our original wholeness, and while physical healing usually is part of that process, it is only a side effect. Yes, a physical healing is the most easy to see, but it also is the least important part of the healing. The true miracle, the true healing is a shift in perception, it is the shift from fear to love, not just at the intellectual and emotional level, but at the core of who we are. At a cellular level, we know that we are enough, we know that we are loved, that we are the creator of our lives, that we hold the key to everything we desire, that everything that happens is summoned by us as a vessel for our expansion, that earth is a playground and that we can mold life any way we want it.

Last Friday, I had an echo in my left ear. It was not very comfortable, but I assumed the echo would go away as soon as I had figured out the meaning behind it. It did. After Read the rest of this entry »

Feeling fit

22 04 2015



Over the past years, I have gained some weight. 8 kilos to be precise. And that’s okay. I don’t mind having gained it; it served a purpose, and now it is time to let it go. I don’t need the extra weight to protect myself anymore, or the food to sooth me. I am ready to let it go physically and emotionally. Before I got pregnant, I was physically extremely fit. I had a really healthy diet and worked out and ran every day. Lean and mean was my motto. Then I got my daughter and getting back in the game proved to be not as easy as it had seemed beforehand. As much as I wanted to be fit again, it seemed I had lost the high level of discipline I used to have. I just seemed unable to motivate myself to diet or exercise. I knew I was healthy and I was unwilling to force myself to do anything I didn’t want to do. I didn’t fight it, and on a certain level knew it was a phase in my becoming.

When you keep a pendulum in a horizontal position and then let it go, it swings all the way to the other side, and it takes a while for the pendulum to hang motionless in the middle. Today, I see balance as a natural state, all we have to do is allow ourselves to let go of our need to control the outcome by controlling the how, allow ourselves to let go of the pendulum we are keeping in a certain position with all our might. When we let it go, it will sway all the way to the other side and then back, again and again and again until it has lost all the built up energy. This takes time. This is true for any area where we have forced ourselves to be a certain way. I had always reached my goals through sheer force. I was fit out of fear to get sick, I was lean out of fear to be fat. Today, I cannot motivate myself to things the old way anymore. And that is a good thing. In this day and age that is a really weird thing to say, because society seems to thrive on it. I don’t think that is true. I think it creates burn-out and depression and addiction and a whole host of other dis-eases. I think it is rather healthy on my part to not be able anymore to motivate myself to be someone I am not. I’d rather be aligned, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’d rather feel whole, perfect as I am, enough, than fit a certain picture anyone may have of me.

I want to lose weight, not to be picture perfect, but to feel lean and mean again. I love being a physical powerhouse. I love having an incredibly strong body, I love feeling healthy and ageless. I love nourishing my body with the foods it loves. I love hearing my cells sing hallelujah. I love feeling green on the inside. I love my skin being firm and healthy. I love feeling and seeing muscle definition. I love how my hair shines, my skin glows and my eyes sparkle when I am physically up to speed with all that I am. Having lived it makes it easier to manifest, because I know what feeling I am looking for, I only have to remember it to tap into it, to access it and feel it. Being able see it with my mind’s eye and feel it helps manifest it more easily than anything else I could do. Our body does not distinguish reality from imagination or memory, it doesn’t know if it is real, if we are regurgitating or envisioning something new. And it doesn’t care either. Our bodies will do anything to comply. Basically, what we believe to be true our bodies will do their utmost best to manifest. When what we ponder most of the time is negatively charged, our bodies will be flooded by stress hormones, which will keep us narrowly focused on the thing we fear, constantly triggering our body to release more stress hormones, a downward spiral. When on the other hand what be think about and believe to be true is uplifting and empowering, our body releases feel good hormones and not only do we see and feel the same world differently, we absorb different nutrients, our metabolic rate is higher, we are more likely to make better choices and are open to possibilities. In these past years, I have learned that, beyond a certain point, old school motivation doesn’t work anymore, because it is external and fear-based. If it works for you and you feel good about it, just keep going. As for me, I chose inspiration over motivation. To manifest a body that feels as powerful as I feel mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I will inspire myself on a daily basis by keeping in the forefront of my brain my vision and even more importantly how it makes me feel. I will focus my energy not on a certain diet or on the scale, but on how I want to feel by feeling it already. I will allow myself to be inspired to eat certain foods and let go of others, to feel when I need to eat and when I need to stop, to do certain exercises and not be bothered by others. I will not push no force myself. I will trust my body to follow my vision.


Picture by John Nyberg


The aftermath

15 04 2015



Last Monday, I wrote in my journal: Which joy ceilings are inhibiting my joy today? I got some really interesting answers to that question, the most interesting answer was ‘stumbling’ on a youtube video about adrenal fatigue, later that day. Something I never knew existed but which I fitted to a T. It appears we can wear out our adrenal glands during times of high stress. Now you have to know that I have been tired for quite some time. Again. At first I attributed it to my knee, then to family festivities, then to making over my living room, then to the pup. With the pup being here for over six weeks, I am still tired, even more so. At first I listened to the video with light skepticism, because in my mind I had not lived a traumatic or high stress incident before or during this time frame, but then a quiet voice in my heart said: but what about all those intense healing releases you have done, what about all the cortisol that was released during those episodes? Bingo! Of course, how could I have been so blind to the toll this was taking on my physical body? Being tired, for what seems the zillionth time in my life, was frustrating, because I knew I was healing more and more areas in my life and contrary to what I expected to happen, which was an increase in energy, I was getting more and more tired.

Fortunately, the remedy to adrenal fatigue is rather simple. All I have to do is take some supplements and within three to six months all will be well again in adrenal gland land. The big irony is that I was already taking most of these supplements. I stopped taking them because: one, I felt that they were too expensive, and on a certain level I believed I wasn’t worth that financial investment. And two, at the same time, I thought I had spiritually outgrown supplements. I, on my spiritual high horse, thought I had to be able to heal my physical body by merely redirecting my thoughts and emotions. Yes, you can laugh out loud, even mock me if you want to. What I know now is that we can heal our bodies in various ways. There is no wrong or right way. There only is what is right for us in a particular moment, sometimes that is allowing ourselves more sleep, sometimes it is taking a supplement or cutting out a certain food, and sometimes the right course of action will be to have surgery. Our soul will let us know what solution it is aligned with, what is the best option for us in a particular situation. We will know what to do when we listen to that silent knowing. Our bodies are self-healing, but for most of us that doesn’t mean we are above medical intervention, just like most of us cannot live from air alone. Maybe there will be a day in the future when that silent voice will tell me that my body has healed enough to let go of the supplements, and maybe not. I am at peace with both possibilities. Lack of physical vitality is a joy ceiling for me. And I have decided that I will do anything I need to do for my body to feel as vital as possible. As for living on air alone, I will leave it to the hermits in the Himalayas. I just can’t imagine good food being a joy ceiling for me. Maybe in another lifetime. Hopefully not.


Picture by Emy M

Energy anatomy

8 04 2015



When you are a frequent reader of my blogs, you have heard me talk about chakras before. I don’t refer to them often, but on occasion I do. Usually, I am hesitant to talk about the subject, not because I don’t believe in their power, but because of their popularity in the woo woo industry. Just google chakras and you know what I mean. Because of the high degree of sheer nonsense written about chakras, I did not feel particularly attracted to them, had even referred them to the new age bullshit bingo, long ago. Ironically, they found me in spite of their woo woo reputation.

It wasn’t until I got so tired I could not function normally, five years ago, that I started accidentally learning more about them as I listened to Carolyn Myss’ Energy Anatomy and with the help of a psychodynamic therapist healed not only my learned powerlessness, but also my sense of being separated from everyone else. After I worked with her, I started becoming aware of my energetic body, the flow of energy and the blocks that hindered the flow; dams may be a more appropriate word in my case. I learned to focus on the blockages and feel them. I learned that a block in the flow was energy that had stopped moving, and that when I placed my attention on it and felt it without judging, the energy would start moving again. I learned that when I kept at it, no matter how uncomfortable it felt, the block would dissipate, the energy would start moving through again and I would feel freed up. Think of it as a clogged sink drain. The blocks of resistance would be concentrated around what the ancient indian wisdom tradition called chakras and my experiences would match a lot of what it said about that chakra. I have learned that the chakras are linked to each other and some more than other; it is a highly logical system. As I was working on blocks in the area of my second chakra which has to do with our creative power, I noticed an energetic loop with my fifth chakra which is linked to our expressive power. And last week, as I was releasing old energy in my throat (fifth chakra), I also felt a release in my womb (second chakra). Which makes perfect sense, as creativity and expression are closely linked. Yesterday, focusing on my brow chakra (sixth or the third eye chakra), I also felt movement of energy in my heart (fourth chakra) and an interaction between the two, which again makes perfect sense, as vision cannot exist without trust and cannot be executed without courage (coeur meaning heart in French).

Looking back on my journey, I first descended into the abyss. The chakra elevator took me down from the head into my core and then it started moving up again. Going down was a slow ride in which I had to let go of the preconceptions I had about who I am, it was an unmooring, an untethering, an opening up to all that I am and a letting go of all that I had learned I should be. Going up is a much faster ride, it is a coming into all that I am, a falling into place, a becoming of all that I am and a letting go of all that is still hindering that. I unmoored from all I believed I should be and am mooring to all that I know I am.
I haven’t yet fully released all there is to release in the throat area, am still sore physically, yet I am already pulled into the energy around my brow. Tiring to say the least, but so very worth it. I know that I am coming full-circle. I am almost back up again, reaching the most upper levels of the chakra elevator. To be honest, I can’t wait for that to happen. It’s funny to see that talking about this process still feels uncomfortable; I talk about what I know to be true, yet, apart from my hard-lived experience, I have no proof. A knowledge that does not come from books, that has no scientific evidence (yet) to back it up, and yet I am the living proof that what I have done over these past years really works. Reaching my crown chakra and allowing it to be healed, will be a crown on my work. For over fifteen years, I have unknowingly worked towards it. It has been a slightly different career than I envisioned and the project took a bit longer than I anticipated, but I wouldn’t want it any other way. I never imagined being me could feel soooooo good.



A lump in my throat

1 04 2015



Eckhart Tolle calls it our pain body, Carolyn Myss calls it our anchors, and Mario Martinez calls it our joy ceilings. Most of us have it / them, and for some of us they are dense, heavy or low. They are the unprocessed traumas, unchallenged acquired beliefs, the stories woven around them, and the emotions attached to them, we are not aware of. They keep us mentally, emotionally and vibrationally stuck in past experiences. They keep us small on all levels.
For the past years, I have been clearing my basement of traumas and beliefs, of stories, of feelings of powerlessness, of abandonment, of loneliness, of grief, of sadness and anger. Last week, I opened a box and was presented with even more sadness. It is dark in the basement, I can’t see how many boxes there are left. Maybe that’s a good thing, because I don’t know how much more sadness I can take.

Last Friday, I said to myself: ‘What if I admitted to not knowing what I want?’ What if I allowed myself to just not know what I really want?’ Those magic words opened a box that I have been avoiding for many years. I always knew it was there, but I never was ready to look inside. Instantly, my jaw clenched in a semi-open position and an uncontrolled wail started coming out of my throat. There was nothing I could do but to sit it out. It was so weird, and painful, and scary, and sad, so sad. After five minutes, my jaw relaxed and the wailing stopped, but the pain and the sadness just kept pouring out. They still are. I am taking it slowly, I can only take so much.
Not being able to express what I wanted as a kid, I started censoring myself, not allowing to want what I wanted, simply because I believed my parents wouldn’t approve, manufacturing desires they would not only approve of, but that would make them love me. I became very good at that. Ever since, all those years, I have been frantically trying to find the sense of direction our desires provide, always missing the mark. Not knowing where to look, not trusting myself on anything. Always trying new things, convinced this time it would work, but they never did. I tried harder than anyone I know. Always in vain. So much pain.
Today, my throat is sore, my voice is almost inaudible, my ears tingle, my mouth feels dry and my gum is sensitive. Sadness is only skin deep. I don’t know what I want. I’m scared of what it might be. Even though I have no clue what I want, I am afraid of my desires, they feel wrong and sinful – in the traditional sense of the word. Like Adam and Eve, I feel naked, vulnerable, exposed. I don’t even know if this life is the life I want. I am scared to death it isn’t. I am afraid I will hurt the people I love the most. I am so afraid that I want something so different from what I have now, that the life I want will be incompatible with the life I have. If I could close this box again, I would, but I can’t. No more playing small. No more pretending. No more false confidence. I really, really, really don’t know what I want. There, I’ve said it. And even though it hurts, it is liberating, freeing, to let go of a script I wasn’t even aware I was following. I am clearing my throat.

The pain and sadness we have stored in our bodies in our lifetime, at one point or another, is weighing us down emotionally. Feeling the pain, allowing ourselves to go through the feelings, memories, stories and beliefs attached to it, we loose emotional weight. Our pain body gets lighter, anchors are loosened and our joy ceiling gets raised. Letting go of lower vibrational experiences we stored in our energetic body, we raise our base frequency. And in raising this frequency, we more easily attract into our lives higher vibration emotions like joy and love, because we can only resonate with people and experiences that vibrate at our frequency, like attracts like.


picture by Steph P