Meet Ieniemienie

27 01 2016

 

 

I love journaling. To me journaling is different from writing in a diary. Writing in a diary is a form of recording. Journaling is a way to plug into the subconscious mind and giving it a voice. I have found it to be an amazing tool to find answers that are not as straightforward as one might expect. Let’s give an example: For over a week now, I have a muscular contraction between my shoulder blades. Af first I did not give it much attention, I had a stressful the day I got it, finding my daughter walking on ice that was not safe yet, and I figured I just may have contracted physically. But the longer it lasted the more unlikely that got. So yesterday morning, while writing in my journal, I focused on what the pain in my shoulders was about.

What I did was write down anything that could be related. In this case: the panic I felt finding my daughter in a very dangerous situation, a photo on FB pinpointing the metaphysical cause of high back pain as lack of support, taking part in a stressful and emotional family constellation, the subject of last week’s blog, and sitting in an unhealthy pose for a prolonged period of time reading a book and working at the dinner table. What I look for while writing is resonance. Which statement, however illogical, resonates most? In this case, Read the rest of this entry »





Don’t rock the boat

20 01 2016

 

Pot 'o gold by Crissy Pauly

 

Two weeks ago, I stumbled across a rather intriguing conversation that eventually led me to have an energy reading. Apart from it being an incredibly resonant experience, a few things stood out. “Do you like yourself? Do you think you’re fun to hang out with? Do you think you’re likable?”, the lady asked. I was kind of lost for words. “I love myself,” I said: “but I never thought about whether I like myself or not. I don’t know if I’m fun to hang out with, to be honest.” Somewhere during the reading, she felt an intense contraction in my throat area. I found that to be intriguing. “Yes,” she said: “You are holding back, not revealing everything that you are thinking and feeling.” She was right, I don’t. I started asking myself why I am cautious and when, because I don’t always hold back. I discovered I am mostly cautious sharing my beliefs, especially with people who I feel will not welcome them. The why remained a mystery. The rest of the week, I’ve been pondering those two things: Do I think I’m fun to be with and why am I holding back? The easiest and most logical conclusion would be that I don’t express myself fully in the fear that people will not like me, which most likely would be right but I knew there was more to it than that. So I kept digging, and I unearthed some interesting finds.

 

“Don’t rock the boat”, momma Fear told me.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because the others might fall out.”

That was not the answer I had expected.

“Why are we in this boat in the first place?”

“So people cannot leave you.”

Huh? Come again. This reeks of kidnapping. I found it to be disconcerting to say the least.

“Why would people leave me?”

“Because they will not like you when you make them feel unsafe.”

Uh, okay…

“What would happen if they left me.”

“You would be alone, it would kill you.”

 

A completely non-sensical and at the same time enlightening conversation. Apparently, I am scripted to believe that people will not like me when I make them feel unsafe; when they don’t like me they will leave me, and when they leave me I will die. Better not rock the boat then, better not say or do anything that might make them feel unsafe. The thing is I know for a fact that I will not die when I am alone; I went through the horrible pain of aloneness, it did not kill me and ever since I do not resonate with it anymore. Yet somehow momma Fear still felt the need to protect me from it, and she did so by cunningly using another fear that apparently still lingered beneath the surface.
Fortunately, fear of fear, however powerful, is easy to let go. The tricky part is recognizing it for what it is. After that, all we have to do is start doing what we’re afraid of and let momma Fear realize the so-called pain she is protecting us from isn’t there anymore, in the way you would open the valve of a tire and let it deflate gently. And as to whether I like myself or not, I have come to the heartwarming conclusion that I do actually like myself, in fact I really like hanging out with myself, I have a lot of fun with myself. It is true that I have no clue who will stay in my boat once I moor it in the harbor and set them free, and I am okay with that. Even if it is just me in that boat, talking to myself and rocking the boat just for the fun of it, I’ll be having a great time, and there’ll bound to be other people who like hanging out with me as much as I do.

 





Dear Momma Fear

13 01 2016

 

 

Ready To Slide by Janis Gonser

 

Last week, in a letter, I told Fear that she was no longer in command. She did not take it lightly. She shut herself in the basement and had a terrible fit. When I don’t obey Fear, I get ‘punished’. Or better, my body will create such a state of havoc that continuing seems like a really bad idea. For as long as I can remember whenever Fear gets activated, my intestines stop doing their job, resulting in a severe condition of what is commonly called IBS. Very painful and completely draining. Not funny. At all. As a result I was not feeling too peachy this past week. To be honest, I would have loved to stay in bed and throw the cover over my head, but I didn’t. I have decided that I will go forward. Not ‘no matter what’, because that would not work; I have tried that before and it got very nasty. No, this time, I decided to listen to Fear, really listen; Why are you (Fear) so determined to stop me in my tracks? What I learned is too beautiful not to share.

Far from being the bully I imagined her to be making my life miserable, Fear has been a loving mother figure who has tried to keep me as safe as possible from the moment I got separated from my mom right after birth to this day. I am afraid that when I stop interfering and allow your power to flow freely, you won’t need me any longer, I will be redundant and you will forget about me. - I soothed her worries, reassuring her that she would be teaming up with the Universe to keep me save, that this Force will guide us both every step of the way, helping us to maximize our potential. I told her that in order for that to happen she would need to let me go. I could feel her anxiety, I could feel that she was not as ready as I was. And then I remembered what it felt like to let my daughter step into that beautiful world on her own. She was only two-and-a-half when she declared that she was ready to go to the playground alone. I was not! Yet I could not deny her unmistaken readiness, her need for personal freedom and exploration. So we set up rules and boundaries, we practiced and practiced and practiced until I knew we both were as ready as we were ever going to be. I can still see her walking to the playground, an extra bounce to her step, proudness radiating from every pore, as I was peeking past the hedge at the end of our garden path. The same spot I would be dashing to every five minutes to see if she was allright while she was playing carefree, empowered by her mother’s trust in her ability to choose what is right for her. So I chose to write another letter:

 

Dearest Momma Fear,

Do not worry that I will go off the highest slide the moment you let go of me, for I will not. I understand that we will both need to adjust to this new situation. Allow me to go just a few feet ahead of you and trust that you have done an excellent job at instilling carefulness. Please trust me to pick the slide that I know is best suited for me, and allow me to go down alone. I would love for you to watch me do it, again, and again, and again, until it has lost its thrill and I want to try a higher slide. I know that letting go of my hand is one of the scariest things you will ever do, but it will also be the most rewarding. From it will grow a trusting relationship in which you will know without a doubt that I will always be careful with this one wild and precious life and in which I will know that you will always have my back, enabling me to conquer the Universe safely, no matter what.

All my love,

Hermien

 

 

 

 





Dear Fear

6 01 2016

 

 

It’s a new year. 360 more days full of potential before we look back on 2016. The question is how do we want to feel looking back. I have decided that I want to feel proud of myself. Yesterday, I wrote down the one thing that would make me proudest of myself. Then I decided on how I wanted to make it happen and wrote out a goal per month. Then terror hit, fear running through my body, paralyzing me, disabling rational thought, reducing me to a shivering and sobbing little girl. It was that moment that it finally hit me: fear will be my forever companion. What is different this time is that I will not let it stop me: it can tag along, if needed I will drag it along, but I am not going to let it hold me back. My fears, as many and as strong as they may be, will not prevent me from living my dreams. I will not procrastinate any longer with the false assumption that one day I will be fearless.

 

Dear Fear,

you will no longer be the commander-in-chief. I know this may come as a shock to you, having been the supreme commander for over four decades, but you have been in power for so long that you have lost touch with reality. You no longer have what it takes to lead us in the right direction. You will be a trusted adviser, but you will not be allowed anywhere near the control panel. You will be a valued member of my team, but you will not have any special rights. We will find you tasks that allow you to use your talents appropriately. Every morning, for a specified time only, I will listen to you and what you have to say, and together we will work on putting your worries at ease. Then I will give you a new and important task to keep you occupied while I work on executing my dreams. I will see you tomorrow morning in my office immediately after we finish our daily team meeting with our Awesome Anthem. If needed, I will allow you five minutes at the end of every day before singing We Fucking Did It.

Best regards,
your new Commander-In-Chief

 

This will be the year I will feel the fear and move forward anyway. I am not going to pretend that will be easy, but I am not going to pretend that will be impossible either. I am embracing my fears. I am going to stop fighting them; they are not abnormal, they are part of me. I am going to assume my fears are part of my emotional make-up for a reason, that they’re here to help me do whatever I need to do in this lifetime. So…

 

PS Dearest Fear, thank you for being in my life, thank you for caring so deeply, thank you for always trying to keep me safe. I love you. XOXO Hermien