Goodbye Smoke and Mirrors

8 07 2016

 

 

Hey there,

This is the last post on this website. It has been a blessing and an honor to explore both my inner-landscape and my talents as a writer with you in this beautiful corner of the interweb. I want to thank you for your continuous support, and hope to welcome you in my new virtual home!

I have created a website that is more becoming of who I am today. I not only share my articles (old and new) there, I also share videos and art, and whatever will emerge through me.  Curious? Take a peek HERE.

You can also find me on Facebook, YouTube and Instagram.

 

Hoping to meet you on hermienvos.com,

with Love, Hermien

 

 





A Libran’s balancing act

31 05 2012

 

 

It has been over 3 months since I wrote my last entry. I’m kind of shocked it has been so long, and at the same time, it feels like I wrote it in an other lifetime. And I guess I did. My life has changed in ways, I could not have imagined if I wanted to.

In the first weeks after healing my lifelong wound, strange things happened. As I was planning on making 4 visionboards to help me focus on getting my life back on track, I was looking for paperboard. Out of habit, I was reaching for a  beautiful dark grey, because to me it is so esthetically pleasing, when my hand slided past it and rested on a very bright yellow for the ‘Energy’ visionboard, and I caught myself thinking: ‘that is just the right color, it is so energizing, it is so full of vitality. I love it.’ I was shocked. Struck silent may be a better description. I pinched myself in the arm to see if I was still really me, if I had not been overtaken by aliens. Whose hand was that, reaching for yellow? It surely could not be mine, as for as long as I can remember I had really abhorred that color. In my mind there was no color more yuk, except for perhaps orange, which I noticed next and thought would make a perfect color for the ‘Play’ visionboard. By now, I was reaching for my phone to call my husband to make sure that I at least still sounded like the Hermien he had known for 22 years. I don’t know if I ever made that call, but I do know that I got the giggles, the unstoppable giggles. And then I knew this was my new normal.

Healing my aloneness has changed me and my life in inconceivable ways, from funny to amazing and awesome.  For the first time in my life, I really love being around people. It doesn’t drain me, but energizes me. In interactions, I’m not hyperconscious of me anymore and it is so much easier to listen to what the other is saying. I don’t have this overwhelming need to be alone anymore and I certainly don’t get mad when someone ‘steals’ the time I need to ‘recuperate’ from social activities, which is far less anyway. I am amazed at the still rising level of energy and how easy it is now to make wholesome choices and create wholesome habits. I am much more relaxed, as I don’t chew on the past and fret over the future anymore. I love that I now get all the things I learned in the past 10 years. It feels like everything is coming together. I understand things at a level that was unaccessible to me before, it is as if I went from worm’s eye view to bird’s eye view. I have this calm and peaceful feeling that life is unfolding perfectly, that clocktime only is a string of nows, or more accurately a string of choices I make now, and somehow it is easier to be a conscious choice maker. I feel that I am perfect as I am and that my life is where it needs to be. I can relax my body any time I need to and tap into the undercurrent that connects us all, all I have to do is close my eyes and take a deep breath. I feel where I’m heading and I know the only thing I can do in this moment is live with intention, do what I’m doing consciously and with love. The need to be somewhere in the future is gone, I am doing all I can do now, and that is enough.

There are still moments when I slip back in old behavioral patterns. Usually, I get stressed over something so small it is completely absurd. I will always immediately feel off. And most of the time, I can identify and snap out of it easily. Other times, it takes some more time and last week I even had a full meltdown, which felt completely off and perfect at the same time. I guess that’s the biggest thing: I don’t beat myself up anymore, I distill the lesson from what happened and move on, a bit wiser and more compassionate. It seems like this Libran has finally found her balance.

 





There are no accidents

24 06 2011

 

 

Last week, on Twitter, I replied that “@ieniemienie *does not believe in chance* #therearenoaccidents.”  Unintentionally, I hit a very tender spot with a mom who lost her son through an accident. In this blog I’ll try to put into words what can not be said in 140 characters.

 

I don’t believe in accidents. I don’t believe in predestination either. So what do I believe then? Over the years, I’ve come to the conclusion that which makes most sense to me, on all levels, is the concept of ‘concurrence’. In Merriam-Webster’s Learner’s Dictionary, concurrence is described as ‘a situation in which two or more things happen at the same time.’

 

Have you ever watched ‘Aircrash Investigation’? This TV show, aired on the National Geographic Channel, examines plane crashes and near-crashes. Each episode is a recount of a (near-)crash and how it happened. It is a detailed investigation into what went wrong. Interestingly, it almost never is one thing that went terribly wrong. Usually, the crash is a concurrence of choices, a lot of seemingly small and everyday choices from a lot of different people that come together in a catastrophic plane accident.

 

We make choices, every day, all day. Most choices are automatic, because they’re habitual. But our choices, however small and insignificant, almost always affect other people. I guess the most famous example is the radius of a smile. My choice to smile is essentially nothing else than the choice to put my lips in a certain position. Yet, the consequences can be far-reaching. By putting my lips in the smile position, I change my physiology. What was but a pose, becomes a feeling. When I smile at other people, they reciprocate, an automated psychological process, and  in turn their physiology changes, making it very likely they will adress the next person they meet in a better mood, maybe even smiling. I believe all of our choices can be as far reaching as that smile. Our choices, however insignificant they may seem at the time can have enormous consequences, good and bad.

 

I believe every choice has an underlying intention or motivation which eventually determines the outcome. Our intentions can be rooted in fear or in love. Fear (the ultimate fear being ‘not being good enough’) creates painful experiences, while love creates constructively. In an episode of  Air Crash Investigation, there usually is a mechanic, somewhere down the line, who, because of lack of time, chose to do a small checkup when he actually needed to do a full checkup and not told anyone, thus missing a potentially catastrophic problem, or a mechanic who did a full checkup found a small problem, chose not to repair it at the time and forgot to mention it in the checkup plan, leaving the next mechanics who according to schedule only needed to do a small checkup unaware of the growing problem. I’m not pointing my finger at those mechanics. Their mistakes, however catastrophic, were human. I could have made them. Yet, I’m sure their intentions were rooted in fear. Fear of not being ready in time, fear of not being good enough, fear of losing a job, fear of – you name it. I know for sure that a healthy sense of self, a love for repairing planes, a genuine love for people, and the sense of meaning that comes from this combination would have led to different choices, creating a different outcome.

 

I don’t believe in accidents. I do believe in a concurrence of choices. And I believe the dominant intention of our choices determines the outcome. As a consequence, I believe life is about clarifying our intentions, and learning to make choices that are rooted in love. I believe that if we do just that, tomorrow will be a better day.