Some thoughts on releasing

4 02 2015



In our home, we have a ventilation system that sucks out stale air and blows in fresh air. Last year, we felt it didn’t work that well and we decided it needed to be cleaned. Apparently, we were long overdue and some of our pipes were clogged. So they put a sort of reversed vacuum on it and blew out all the stuff that was blocking the airflow. The results were nothing short of amazing.
Most humans have a clogged energetic system. Built-up thoughts, emotions and even altered physiology are blocking the energetic flow. We are the only species who add insult to injury by resisting what happens to us. We create an emotional story of why it shouldn’t have happened to us, and in doing so we add a lot of energy to the trauma. What we give energy to grows. By adding energy to the trauma, we make it grow in such a way that it not only affects our thoughts, emotions and beliefs, but also our biology.
Part of our transformation process is that we release what is clogging our system. We let go of old thoughts, emotions, and beliefs in order to live life fully. What we need to understand about this process is that there is no one way to go about it. However, there seems to be a pattern in which I go from thoughts to emotions to beliefs.

Releasing thoughts is the easiest and least sustainable. Only releasing thoughts will lead to a relapse where we think the same thoughts we were thinking before. Releasing emotions is more effective and asks for courage, because we allow the emotions we did not express at the time of the trauma and every time the trauma recurred to surface and come out. This can be very painful, because the pain feels as real as it did at the time of the trauma, and scary, because when we surrender to the process, not interfering in any way, we feel very vulnerable. Purging our emotions is a very healthy thing to do, but if we don’t change the deep-held beliefs that cause our emotions it only gives temporarily relief. Releasing the beliefs takes focus and determination. Beliefs are part of our biology and releasing them is a very physical process. We have to focus on our intention to release the belief that has been written over the original coding, on our energy and on the parts of our body that feel highlighted. As a result our bodies can move and twitch uncontrollably. It can even feel as if something else is working through us. All we have to do is stick with it, until it subsides. When it has subsided, we may feel exhausted, excited and everything in between. We may even feel as if nothing has happened. There is no wrong or right way to feel. What I have learned is that things usually change subtly and over a the period of a few weeks, especially when we have worked on the deepest level.

There is no set period for this releasing process. It may take weeks for me to go from one level to the other, or it may all happen in a day, like it did yesterday. And it isn’t linear either, I can go back and forth between the different levels for a prolonged period of time before it feels done. I have yet come to like it, but I keep at it, because the results are nothing short of amazing.


image by Guenter Kirchweger

I know

28 01 2015



I have been struggling with a lack of self-confidence my whole life. I can tell you that self-doubt is paralyzing. It invariably leads to sub-par outcomes. All my life, I have heard people say, “You just have to have a bit more self-confidence, believe in yourself.” As if. They really believed their advice was helpful. All it told me was that they had no clue what they were talking about. All it did was add to my self-doubt.

Some people go through life with natural self-confidence from a very early age, they somehow are unimpressed by what other people think and say. All I can say is that I wasn’t that way at all, I was a very impressionable little girl. There are three areas in my life where I have no to very little self-doubt, as a mom, as a cook and as a mystic. Interestingly, these areas came along later in my life, and the effort I put in yielded immediate positive results. With every other thing, my efforts either remained unnoticed or unvalued. To this day, I mostly feel that I have nothing of value to offer. I know it isn’t true, but it is what I have come to believe about myself.

Being very driven, wanting to share my story with the world, wanting to impact other people’s lives for the better, feeling that what I have to share has no value is somewhat of a challenge. Fortunately, I am in the business of undoing beliefs, of pinpointing them and releasing them. I will not be ruled by beliefs that don’t serve me. I will not live a life defined by the impressions of other peoples’ limited beliefs. I know I can change my life. I have confidence in my abilities to transform my emotional caterpillars into butterflies. I know that one day I will have released all the old beliefs that keep me crawling. I know that one day, having released just one more old belief, the pull of the butterflies lifting me up will be greater than the weight of the caterpillars keeping me down. I know I will fly.


picture by Andreas Krappweis

Spiritual Fuzz

21 01 2015



I have grown fuzz. Yes, fuzz. Spiritual fuzz to be precise.

“Each night when you go to sleep, the interfaces between your muscles grow fuzz, potentially. And in the morning when you wake up and you stretch, the fuzz melts. We melt the fuzz. That stiff feeling you have is the solidifying of your tissues. The sliding surfaces of your body aren’t sliding anymore, there’s fuzz growing in between them.”
- dr Gil Hedley, The Fuzz Speech (short, fun and educational video)

I recently experienced firsthand what happens when fuzz is allowed to build up our bodies. Because of an injury, I wasn’t able to stretch my knee properly for a few months. When I healed my knee, I still couldn’t stretch it. After seeing The Fuzz Speech, I started stretching my knee a bit more every day to remove the fuzz and restore movement. I am almost able to fully stretch my knees again without any discomfort.

As you may have read last week, after an extended stay in the city of Happiness, I have redefined my destination and have started moving in the direction of Awesomeness. After just a few days of being on the move, I am feeling tired. Mind you, I am not doing anything drastic, just doing things differently. Adding a little extra action to my day, focused on what makes me feel awesome. Over the years, by protecting old emotional injuries, I have grown fuzz between the sliding surfaces of my spirit. I dread taking action. I have lost ‘original movement’. It creates stress and as a result I became less action-oriented. I have created “an inhibition for the potential of movement” and as dr Hedley says, I now “need a more systematic exploration of that place to restore” the mobility that used to be there.

Most people shy away from things that feel uncomfortable simply because it feels uncomfortable. We, as a species, don’t like discomfort. Yet when we have grown fuzz, and who hasn’t, in order for us to restore the original movement we lost, we must break the fuzz bit by bit until we gain full mobility again. And as I learned recently, that doesn’t feel comfortable at all, some would even call it painful. The question we need to ask ourselves is, will the benefits of regaining our original mobility outweigh the discomfort of introducing movement again?

The answer is always YES! In his video, dr Hedley says that aging is the solidification of our bodies, the reduction of our range of motion. I say that what we call adulthood is the solidification of our spirits, the reduction of our range of possibility. We stop dreaming, we start saying that we are a certain way, that life is a certain way. Wrong! We are who we define ourselves to be. Life is what we define it to be. I choose to let go of all the fuzz, of all predefined soul-draining concepts I have about myself and about life. I AM AWESOME! I am leaving the comfort zone, because the benefits of becoming all that I can be far outweigh the discomfort of breaking some spiritual fuzz.


image by Redster


14 01 2015



It’s been a question that’s been on my mind a lot this last year, how come I cannot get back in the game? Usually, the answer to a question is so simple that we overlook it. This was no exception.

Most of my life, stress hormones were racing through my body, creating a downward spiral in which I felt progressively stressed, powerless and tired. Most of my stress was concentrated around the things I believed I had to do and how I had to do them. I had no self-confidence, which manifested in extreme fear of failure, which I tried to mask with perfectionism (which, by the way,  I did perfectly), and eventually it stopped me from doing anything. Today, I am a different person. Gone is the stress, gone the fear and gone the perfectionism. I feel great, I am relaxed (most of the time), I am at peace and feel comfortable in my own skin, and there is little to nothing I feel I have to do. I love my life. Yes, I want to do things, but even there I am pretty relaxed; I just haven’t figured out how to go about it.

The answer to my earlier question is easy. For over a decade, I have actively sought a way to be happy. In my mind, being happy equaled being at peace, which to me was being without stress. Having finally found that, the absence of stress feels so good physically, that no horses can drag me away from here. Unfortunately, my mind is conditioned to relate stress to action and peace to very little action. Yet, over the past year, I have discovered that while being happy equals being at peace, being at peace does not equal being without stress. To get back in the game, I have to recondition myself to react differently to stress. Stress is part of this physical environment. If handled healthily stress is a good thing, it leads to strength, growth and resilience.

Having arrived at my destination (happiness), and having discovered what it looks and feels like, I really want to get moving again. To do that I have to redefine my destination. I am heading for a new destination, it’s called Awesomeness! Every day, I will ask myself, what do I have to do today to feel awesome tonight? To me, awesome feels like joy, ease, flow, health, abundance. It feels like  moving, doing, exploring, writing, speaking, contributing, and adding value. Every day,  I will say to myself that  I AM AWESOME! and sing to myself that I fucking did it! (check those videos out, they’re worth every minute of your time). These are my new affirmations. And I can’t wait to see how they will enrich my journey.

Like everything in life, happiness is an ever-evolving concept, it will be different tomorrow than it was today. The essence of happiness is being able to evolve right along with it. That is the game.


photo credits go to my awesome daughter

Happy 2015!

7 01 2015



The first article of 2015! I love writing. Writing helps me access my higher self, it helps me gain a clarity that often baffles me. I want to thank you for reading my articles, I love that you do. I want to thank those who comment on my articles whether on the site itself, on Facebook or on Twitter. I love the interaction immensely, and every week look forward to it. Over the years, many people have told me that my writing resonates with them, that my words help them shift perspective. There are no words to describe the thrill this gives me.

My intention always is to share my becoming in such a way that you can recognize yourself in my story and take away from it what helps you grow more into who you truly are. This blog has been a catalyst for my own growth and as a result I have grown in many ways. I have become kinder, more open to life. The need for life, for you and myself to be a certain way has lessened. I am being all that I can be in this moment, and I know that you are too. We are sharing this experience we call life, and I feel blessed to walk this path with you. Thank you!

May we celebrate last year, the highs and the lows; may we see that they all contributed to who we are now, to all that we are becoming. May 2015 be the most wondrous year ever; may we graciously expand into newer versions of ourselves and easily let go everything that is between who we are now and who we are growing into. Namasté.


Image by Philip Pena


Merry Christmas!

24 12 2014



I am sucker for Christmas, somehow more and more each year. Growing up in a christian family, it was one of the highlights of the year. Then, as I lost my religion, I lost that sense of meaning and celebration. Yes, I decorated my home, we cooked a great meal, but I did not feel the spirit of christmas. Basically, it was just a day as all other days, just better dressed. Today, it still is just a day as every other day, but with the big difference that nowadays every day is a day infused with the spirit of christmas. This year even more than ever.
Here I am, on Christmas Eve, sitting in my PJ’s, in my candlelit living, laptop in my lap. Last week, I talked about manifesting our dreams, about pulling them into being. When that happens in a way that defies logic, we usually call it a miracle. This week, I want to tell you about my miracle and how it came to be.

Last Monday, my love and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. Every five years, we celebrate in style by going on a city trip. This year, we wanted to include our daughter and booked a 5-day trip to Paris and Disneyland Paris. We decided to surprise our daughter by letting Paris be an activity card in her advent calendar and Disneyland another. I loved the preparations, there just was one thing that bothered me, a lot.
During our summer holiday, while running I made a wrong move and hurt my knee. During the last months, I limped on good days and sat on the couch on bad days. I went to see a physiotherapist, but that did not work, even made things worse. Unsure what to do, I meditated on it and knew in my heart that going to a doctor would alleviate the outward symptoms but not address the underlying issue. I had to ‘fix’ this on a different level.
The more Paris approached, the more difficult it became to believe that I would walk the streets of Paris with the loves of my life. I wanted it so much that my mind contracted. As a result, my knee worsened, which led my mind to contract even more, which worsened my knee. It was a downward spiral. Three weeks before our departure, I limped more than ever and at a certain point wasn’t able to normally climb or descend the stairs anymore, walking to the end of our street was too much and standing for more than five minutes in a row quite painful.
Then one Sunday, less than two weeks before our departure, I broke down. I told my love that I was going to ruin our Paris trip and I didn’t know what to do anymore. He just hugged me and told me that I could not ruin it even if I tried. The three of us being in Paris together would be amazing, and everything else would sort itself out as soon as we got there. Then I mustered the courage to ask two dear friends to help me envision walking the streets of Paris with ease. And later that week, I asked you to imagine me laughing, having fun. You did, and it worked miracles.

That week, I was able to let go of the anticipated guilt and fear of not being able to walk in Paris. I decided to focus on feeling good. The first thing I did was to get my mind off my knee, and off Paris. I watched Mister Bean videos for two hours straight. Feeling better, I decided to just enjoy the season. This is my favorite season of the year, and no knee was going to get between me and the spirit of Christmas. I very consciously worked on feeling better and better. That evening, after a series of tapping (EFT) I was high on love and I envisioned the thing I wanted most, to walk the streets of Paris with ease. In advance, I felt gratitude and appreciation for being in Paris with the two people who are dearest to me and showing my daughter one of the cities that I love most, and the exhilaration of running up the stairs of Montmartre. I let it sweep through me, and made it as real as possible. Then after I was ready tapping, I knew with every fiber of my being that it was done. I just knew it.
The next day, still limping, but relaxed and feeling awesome, I needed to go to the shed to get the christmas tree stand and when I got out of the shed, I tripped over a large bamboo stalk with my limping leg, and I felt a short snap in my knee, it hurt. Stress hormones washed through my body and I started to get angry with myself. At that moment, I was able to stop myself. I dropped everything I was doing and sat in a chair for an undefined amount of time, tapping and releasing stress, until I knew again with absolute certainty that everything is always working out for me, that the Universe is conspiring for me. I let go of needing to know how I would walk the streets of Paris with ease and I accepted the mysterious ways of the Universe. And again, I knew viscerally that all was well. When I got up, the pain was gone, and something in my knee was different. I could not yet fully stretch it, but I could walk more easily and I could even lay it flat without hurting it.
Last weekend, I walked the streets of Paris with ease. I strolled through the Louvre museum, climbed the stairs of Montmartre, stood in line for the Eiffel Tower for well over an hour, walked kilometers to get from metro to metro, And if that wasn’t enough, I stood in line for some awesome attractions in Disneyland Paris. Mind you that one and a half week earlier, I had not been able to walk small distances, let alone climb stairs. Literally awesome.

Over the years, Christmas has regained its meaning, richer and deeper than before. I have learned that the love we celebrate at Christmas cannot be found outside of ourselves. We are it. God is longing to be born through us, not just some of us, but all of us. We are pure potential waiting to be born. This Christmas may you give birth to the miracle that you are. Merry Christmas!


You’ve had it all along

17 12 2014



If you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you know that I dutifully work on releasing old belief patterns that aren’t serving me (anymore). During our lifetime, we all have collected a whole series of beliefs that prevent us from being all that we can be. Some of these beliefs were introduced in a big way, but most of them snuck in through the backdoor; we started believing them because everyone else around us believed them. Sadly, humans have a very limited view of themselves; through the ages, we narrowed our sense of potential. It is time for a new Renaissance, a time in which we throw off the shackles of our self-imposed self-image, a time in which we rediscover a completely renewed sense of self, a revolutionary shift in consciousness.
We live miracle-filled lives, but we don’t see that for the simple reason that we don’t focus on the extraordinarity of our lives. We are living, breathing miracles, we swirl through the universe on a spinning blue ball. There is nothing ordinary about our lives. To live miracles, we have to get into that space of awe, into a space of appreciating the magnificence of this thing we call our life. And to consciously co-create miracles, we have to get into a space of joy, into a space of feeling and knowing that we are the miracle.

Consciously or unconsciously, we are creating our reality. We do this through our sustained focus. What we give energy to grows. When we are ready to take the next step in our evolution, when we start taking responsibility for our focus, when we are willing to focus on beauty, on goodness, on peace, on love, on whatever is working, when we are willing to see miracles wherever we cast our eye, we become miracle workers. I don’t mean this in an airy-fairy kind of way. This is a serious intention, this is hard work. In order for our lives to change, we need to do some serious neuro-reprogramming, in which we consciously build new neural pathways. Our brains work with the simple premise that the pathways we use get bigger (what we give energy to grows) while the pathways we don’t use wither. What we want to do, irrespective of logic, is build pathways that make us feel good, that inspire awe and give us joy, because miracles defy logic. It is when we feel joy, awe, appreciation and love that our creative powers soar. We all know that. We deliver our best work when we feel great. The same holds true for the creation of every other aspect of our lives. When we are in that space of greatness and we visualize whatever we want to achieve, we pull it into being. That is step one of creative process. The next step is to trust that all is done on our part, that all we have to do is allow it to come into being by trusting undoubtedly that it will. What I learned last week is that the most challenging part of the process is to let go of any belief that it won’t, to remain in that space of centered trusting that everything is working out for me, even when the contrary seems to be true. Yet in that same week, I also learned that when we are able to side-step our fears and disbeliefs, when we are able to take full responsibility for our focus, and consistently focus on feeling great, miracles do happen. And when they do, we see a glimpse of our true power and we understand that it isn’t the manifestation that is the miracle, but our creation of it. Thank you, for supporting my intention last week. Our shared focus on well-being helped me get into that space where everything is possible. And from there, I was able to easily and effortlessly manifest the thing I wanted most. I am awe-struck. It is like Glinda the Good Witch of the North says in the Wizard of Oz: “You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas. You’ve had it all along.” We all have this amazing power to realize our dreams, we just have to learn it for ourselves.

To be continued. Next week. With photos.


Nothing is more important

10 12 2014




I am learning a new way of being. I have been stumbling and falling. I have been wanting it too much. I know that forcing only is counter-productive, and yet I did it all the time. It was so interwoven in my psyche that I usually only saw it once I  overexerted myself. The object of my wanting was not big, nor was it important in the greater scheme of things, but it was something that I wanted so badly that I was pinching myself off. I was being extremely narrow-minded about it.

It was a small thing and yet the battle that was going on inside of me was of epic proportions. It is what the Harry Potter series is about, and the Lord of the Rings, and the Northern Light Trilogy. It is the battle between fear and love. This past year, I have been surrendering to love, but my fear wouldn’t have it. The fear that lives in all of us wants to control our reality, it wants things to be a certain way, our way, or else. Love, on the other hand, is all about faith and trust. It tells us that when we let go, when we surrender, our life will be better than we could ever imagine. I have been swinging between these two ways of being, one moment I felt ease and trust and the other I felt worry and fear. We cannot fear the object of our wanting not being realized while at the same time trusting that it will come into being in perfect timing.
Over the years, I have learned that love is very effective. Love is alignment with all that we are, it creates oneness and from that space of oneness synchronicities that benefit all. Fear on the other hand is very ineffective and counterproductive, it focuses only on our small selves and all the drama that goes with it. It creates separation and a whole range of dis-ease.

On Sunday evening, I received amazing help from some dear friends, I slept like a baby and when I woke up on Monday, I felt at peace, relaxed and at ease. In the morning, I felt inspired to do a powerful prayer, and after that I felt invincible. Then, somehow, my mind introduced the idea of doing that prayer again, and before I knew it I was thrown out of that circle of peaceful knowing and frantically trying to make it happen through prayer. Now you have to know that prayer only is effective when it comes from a place of faith where you know that when you ask it is given, a place of trust and celebration. Prayer is not effective, even counterproductive, when we ask from a place of neediness. And that is exactly what I did that second, and most certainly that third time.
Yesterday, after a day of trying very hard not to hit myself over the head, trying to hide my head in the sand and pretending that all was well, I felt miserable. Out of it was born the strong desire to feel better. So I did a guided meditation for general well-being, and I felt inspired to do some tapping (EFT). Boy, that felt good. After a few rounds, I had released so much anger and pain and fear that I was feeling high. I slept like a baby again. Today, I am leaning towards feeling good.  I am learning what a powerful focuser and creator I am. It truly is astounding. I am celebrating my creative powers, I am accepting my responsibility for the life I have created up to this moment. I choose to create with love from now on.
From this moment on, I trust that, one way or the other, everything is as it is supposed to be. I will take care of myself. I will focus on feeling good.  I will focus on allowing well-being. I love this time of the year. I love Advent and I love Christmas. I love the anticipation and the celebration. And as much as I celebrate on the outside by decorating my home and preparing amazing dishes, my Christmas always is about the spirit of Christmas. This year more than ever, Christmas is a celebration of the incarnation of Love. We all are Mary pregnant with Christ. Love is gestating inside of us. I am in the process of bearing Love. And the timing could not be more perfect.

For quite some years now, it has been my intention to feel good no matter what, to love life unconditionally, to live unconditional love. The time has come to fully live it. I want to ask you to support me in my intention by closing your eyes, for a minute or so, directing your attention towards me, and in your mind’s eye seeing me laughing, having fun, feeling joy. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know what I look like or laugh like, directing your attention is all that matters. Thank you! It is appreciated beyond words. If you have an intention, a desire that is meaningful to you, please share in the comments, it would be my pleasure to support you. I strongly believe in the power of shared intentions. It is a two-way street, it enhances the well-being of both the asker and the supporter. May we all be seen for who we truly are. May we all feel supported in what is meaningful to us.





First creation

3 12 2014



When I first read Stephen Covey’s The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People, I was struck by what he called first and second creation. He likened it to creating a blue print of a house and then building it. I had never thought about it before, but it made such sense. It is obvious Covey knew the secret to building a great life, but he did not tell us all he knew about it.

Having a blueprint isn’t enough when creating a great life. When my love and I were in the process of buying our first home, seventeen years ago, we got a luxury folder with not only the layouts of our prospect home, but also artist impressions of both the outside and inside, and even a VHS tape with an animated tour through our soon to be home. We were sold.
In that same way, if we want something, whether it is a new car, a job, or health, we have to sell it to ourselves by making it as tangible as possible. We want to tell it, draw it, imagine it, picture it, sing it, feel it, dance it, live it, be it, breathe it. We want to make our first creation so alive that it evokes the manifestation of it.

Our first creation is faith-based. Only when we have lured ourselves into believing beyond a doubt that our desire will manifest, it will be pulled into being. During first creation, we must find ways to distract ourselves from our doubts long enough to become pregnant with possibility. First creation is a work of the heart. We must find ways to activate our heart energy often and become so infused with her truth that our doubts no longer have power over us. Our hearts will tell us that, no matter how impossible it may seem, it is always possible. Our hearts will inspire a love so strong that we will be able to move mountains
In first creation, there is no making it happen, there is no going out there and doing it. First creation is about making it so real on the inside that its creation will follow effortlessly on the outside. This is the stuff miracles are made off. Most of us don’t make it to the miracle part, but we can become powerful creators nonetheless. Once we shift from trying to make it happen to becoming it and then allowing it to happen, our lives will change dramatically.


picture by Macin Smolinski

Life is fun

26 11 2014



I spent this whole morning writing an article with the intention of publishing it today, until in the last paragraph I discovered that it takes some infrastructural changes to my website before I can post it. So here I am, on a Wednesday afternoon, kids in the house, things needing to be done and I have nothing to put on my blog. Whoa!

Not so long ago there would have been a sense of not measuring up. To my amazement, I am sitting behind my desk, laughing. I can only see the humor of it. Of course, not posting a blog is not a biggie, but it is a commitment I made to myself, a commitment I want to honor. Yet, this is life, things have a tendency to go differently than anticipated. That’s what happens when we’re willing to put ourselves out there. As always, I do want to post something that adds value. Today, that added value comes in the form of being able to relax into what is happening.

This Universe works in mysterious ways, and I’ve come to trust that whatever happens is perfect. It may not be what I preferred to happen, but I have learned that somehow in the grand scheme of things it always is better than what I set out to do originally. Timing is everything, and this Universe is the master of perfect timing. So, I took a deep breath and relaxed into this present moment. And when I do, no matter what is happening around me, joy and peace are available, always. The kids decided to go play outside, I just wrote an essay of 300 words, and apart from some technical stuff, next week’s article is ready to be published. Best of all, I feel great. Life is fun.


photo by Ned Horton

Take off your invisibility cloak

20 11 2014


Visibility Cloak



In Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Harry gets into a bit of trouble. Doesn’t he always? Hogwarts hasn’t even started and we find Harry, on the floor of a train car, paralyzed by a spell, bleeding out of his nose, under his invisibility cloak, alone, while the train is preparing to go back to London. Apart from the bleeding nose, that was me. As a baby, I was taught that I was both invisible and inaudible, and that left me paralyzed for the first 40 years of my life.  And I didn’t even know I was wearing an invisibility cloak, I just experienced not being seen or heard.

Now, it seems to me that, at core, we all believe we are invisible to some extent, and as a result we attract into our lives all sorts of situations that reinforce our sense of invisibility, making it part of our being. Imagine that no one can see or hear you, what use would it be to put yourself out there, what purpose would it serve when no one would notice? There is only one thing worse than being invisible and that is getting the confirmation that you are indeed unnoticed. This fear is paralyzing. It prevents us from doing what we really want to do, from being all that we are.

For as long as I can remember, it has been my desire to shine my light for all the world to see. We all want that. It is human to want to be seen and heard for who we truly are, to be acknowledged. Yet in order to be just that, we need to consciously put down our invisibility cloak. We need to let go of the fear of invisibility that is cloaking our light. The secret to being visible, heard and acknowledged is knowing that you are. I am in the process of putting down my cloak. I am training myself to not only see the proof of my visibility, but to feel it, to internalize it, to make it my own. There is no doubt in my mind that the more we see ourselves for all that we are, the more we allow our light to shine. We ARE God expressing itself physically. We ARE the Universe in miniature. Not even Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak can obscure that.

picture by Okay Yaramanoglu

Training our dragons

12 11 2014


Ever seen the movie How to train your dragon? It is brilliant! In the movie, we meet Hiccup, a young, inventive Viking, son of the village leader. Their village is a village of dragon fighters, as they are continually raided by dragons. Hiccup, clandestinely, joins the battle and when he downs a dragon, he cannot bring himself to kill it. Instead they become friends. Hiccup learns that dragons are not bad, just misunderstood. He learns to ride the dragon and together they train to become one in flight. Of course both the villagers and dragons don’t take easily to this new reality, but the example of this boy and his dragon transforms the relationship between the villagers and the dragons.

We live in a world where we are taught, like the villagers, that we are surrounded by danger, and we have learned to fight it, fight it hard. But instead of going away, the dangers we perceive become stronger. And in order to win, we fight harder. But somehow our battles seem futile, the enemy gets stronger and stronger. We have been indoctrinated by the survival of the fittest. And most of us interpret this to be survival of the strongest, or survival of the toughest, which both are legitimate interpretations. But these are not the only meanings of fittest. When we look up fit in the dictionary, we also find “Of a suitable quality, standard, or type to meet the required purpose: having the requisite qualities or skills to undertake something competently.” In the light of evolution this seems to be more fitting. When things don’t work the way they used to work, the fittest develops new skills and qualities, she or he adapts.

Like Hiccup, I did things differently then the people in my village. At a critical point on my journey, I understood that in order to kill the dragon, I had to kill myself. I was unable to kill myself and instead I befriended the dragon. Now I am learning to ride it, and boy what a thrill that is. I do believe that when we stop trying to kill our dragons and dare to look them in the eyes, we will discover that they aren’t the enemy, our fear of dragons is. When what we are doing isn’t working, it is time to face our fears and find a different way to approach our dragons. What I have learned is that what we resist, what we are unwilling to allow, becomes stronger, and what we befriend, what we are not only willing to allow but appreciate, becomes cooperative. I have learned that there is a different way to perceive our problems. I have learned that when we allow them, are willing to intimately know them without the hidden goal to ultimately destroy them, appreciate, and then train ourselves in riding them, our problems change into opportunities, and in doing so we change our reality.

Our perceptions govern our reality. Our perceptions are governed by our beliefs. Beliefs are nothing more than deeply engrained thought patterns, some handed down from generation to generation. It is time to let go of beliefs that aren’t working anymore. It is time to perceive differently. It is time to adapt. Until now we were taught to either survive or die. Survival instincts lead to us to kill whatever we believe is between us and winning, for winning is surviving. That old adagio isn’t true anymore. If we want to live fully and survive as a species, we have to shift paradigms, we need to reprogram ourselves to the new motto: thrive or die.  Thriving is very different from surviving. It is a reality in which there is no separation between ourselves and the dragons, where we take care of each other and synergistically create a world that fits everyone’s needs. We cannot thrive until we befriend our dragons, and train ourselves to ride them. It is time to adapt, to develop new skills and thrive.



My grand adventure

29 10 2014



There isn’t much to tell. Or actually there is, but I don’t have the language yet to do that. I am in the process of recreating my speech. I am learning to speak a new reality, and I feel like a beginner again. It feels a bit overwhelming, because I don’t know exactly how to go about it.
In the course I am doing, last week Jean Houston discussed the idea of accessing our inner experts. We all have a host of them, cook, mechanic, driver, psychologist, gardener, you name it, and we can access their knowledge and know-how when we are either learning something similar, a new skill or even when we are stuck and need a new perspective. As I was writing the first sentences of this essay, not knowing where it was leading yet, intuitively inserting what I am learning in the course, it hit me that I am actually very good at learning foreign languages. I have a master’s in French linguistics and literature and I have taught myself to speak and write English at the level that I do now. One could say I know a thing or two about learning languages. Not only that, I also am an expert in experiential learning and an expert on personal transformation. Thinking of it, I have done this before, not as radical as this, but I have. In these past years, I have slowly changed my speech patterns to reflect the new reality that was unfolding within me. Seeing ‘my problem’ in this light shifts the task at hand from daunting to fun.

I know far more than I thought I did, and I can use my expertise in the field of language learning, my expertise of the process involved and my understanding of this new reality in transforming my speech. For example, as a language learner I look for opportunities to immerse myself in the new language.  I read, watch TV series in the original language, I listen to radio shows in the language I am aiming for and I actively look for and create real life contact moments with native speakers. As an experiential learner, I know that I learn by doing, by making mistakes and then non-judgmentally finding a better suited way, I know how my brain works, how neuronal pathways get strengthened through sustained focus and wither through lack of focus. As an expert on transformation, I know the stages of transformation, I know how to begin with the end in mind, and I have tips and tricks to bypass pitfalls, which make the transformation smoother, easier. By combining the knowledge and strengths of my inner experts, this project doesn’t feel overwhelming anymore. I know what to do, and I feel empowered by that.

Interestingly, I feel like one of my favorite quotes, which comes from the movie Pooh’s Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin. It is the afternoon of an early autumn day, when Christopher Robin tries to tell Pooh that things are about to change as he will start ‘skool’ the next day. When Pooh, being a bear with very little brain, doesn’t understand what his best friend is telling him, Christopher Robin says: “Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” When Pooh and his friends can’t find Christopher Robin the next day, they go on a search. Their journey leads them through prickly bushes, a deep fog and even into the terrifying ‘Skull’. When Christopher Robin finds them, as he comes back from ‘skool’, his stuffed friends have all discovered an aspect of themselves that they had been blind to up until then, and it transforms their way of being. Just like Pooh, I discovered that I am smarter than I thought I was. It feels amazing. Thank you, Jean!


The next step

22 10 2014



Recently, I was talking to someone, and I found myself adapting to where they are on their journey by very subtly omitting certain things from my story and highlighting others. I instantly heard Marianne Williamson whisper into my ear: “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.” I still play small, I still shrink in order not to loose friends and alienate people. But it doesn’t feel good anymore. There has to be a middle way that honors everyone involved.

The time has come to let go of my past, to stop referring to it. As much as it has made me into who I am today, it is irrelevant to my becoming. Once I stop mentioning it, it can no longer serve as a shield, as an excuse. On the love ladder there is no room for anything that isn’t rooted in love. If I want to go up, I have to let go of lack and limitation. The method I will use is the simplest I can think of, and a very effective one at that. I used it to radically alter my thinking and my self-talk. Anything I say has to be in the direction of my becoming. If I cannot think of anything that expresses love, abundance, or potential, I will choose to respond neutrally or not. I will become conscious of what is going on on the inside, and address that instead of giving advice or sharing my expertise. I will become aware of the fear-based habits and reactions that emerge, and let them go instead of expressing them. I choose to be focused in the NOW, to be all that I AM, in this moment and every moment on.


Picture by Felipe Daniel Reis

The perfect body

15 10 2014



In my life, my body has not always ‘cooperated’ in ways I preferred. There have even been times when I believed my body was against me, was hindering my expansion. I would work somewhere and my body would make it impossible to do that job any longer. That always felt like a huge relief and at the same time immensely frustrating, because I really wanted to work. I remember working as a receptionist, when I developed a sudden loss of voice, neither the specialist at the hospital nor the speech therapist could find anything, but for weeks I could barely speak. As they found someone else to do my job, and my service was no longer needed, my voice slowly returned. From the loss of function in my hands to the loss of function in my legs, to being completely exhausted at 10am, and a host of other ‘complaints’, I have lived it all.

Having been confronted with so many and often bizarre physical dysfunctions that modern medicine had no answers to, I have learned to look at my body differently.  Nowadays, when I am confronted with some physical issue, I look at it symbolically. What is my body trying to tell me? What wisdom is she trying to convey? Looking for the gift, I celebrate my body. I celebrate that she loves me so much that she is willing to cause havoc in a naturally smooth functioning system. I celebrate the ingenious ways in which she is communicating with me. I will ask her what she is trying to tell me, and the answer always arises, sooner or later. There is no doubt in my mind that the answers that come up are true, because of the truthbumps I will feel first and the peace that will invariably follow. After I have found ‘the gift’, the issue will no longer be an issue, yes it still may be painful, but it won’t bother me anymore. It will simply be a reminder of a wonderful gift, a reason to fully appreciate its presence.  And usually the pain and the ‘problem’ will disappear directly, soon after, or after I have done what I need to do, or learned what I need to learn.

In the West, we have learned to look at our bodies mechanically, when something isn’t functioning, we should have it fixed. Our bodies have become void of wisdom, of soul. I have learned that if we are willing to look at our bodies as part of all that we are, as vessels for Source Energy to flow through, vessels for God to live through, our bodies will speak to us. They become messengers of this divine Energy that is inspiring us to live our full potential. They guide us where to go, and where not to go, tell us where we are on our journey, and even foretell us what is in store for us. It has taken some time, but I love this physical body of mine. My body is perfect for me. In every moment, my body is perfect as it is, ‘flaws’ and all.


picture by Alex Bramwell

Perfect timing

8 10 2014



For most of my life, I lived a life rooted in fear. I have moved through the valley of death, as the psalmist calls it, and now am on the other side of the divide. Life is different here. Not just different, it is so different that it is in some ways unrelatable. I love it and at the same time feel somewhat lost. I know the old ways don’t work anymore, but I have not developed any new ways yet. This is especially true in the case of motivation. On the other side, my main motivator was FEAR, all capitals. I was always running away from something. I was basically powered by stress hormones. It required nothing of my side, it was a completely automated process. From the worst case scenario visualization, feeling it viscerally, to knowing that it would come true and then running like hell, trying to stay one step ahead of disaster. I could always force myself to go an extra mile. I could run for hours without taking a break. Actually, I could run until I collapsed from exhaustion. I can’t do this anymore, it simply doesn’t work. When I try it anyway, because I really want something and it is the only way I know how, the flow of energy is blocked within minutes.

Last week, after I wrote my blog I was thinking it would be nice if there were something to help me navigate this new reality. That same evening, I heard a talk by Jean Houston. I had heard about her, but never had heard her speak yet. I was enchanted, I loved her style, but most of all I loved what she was talking about. At a certain moment I felt a bolt of lightning; she was talking about the exact same thing I was wanting to learn. And she was giving an online course on the subject too. I had found my guide. What an amazing manifestation. It took another day for me to spend that kind of money on myself for something so completely intangible, but I did. Today, at 5 pm PST, the first lesson of seven will start. Fortunately for me, they have a recorded session I can listen to tomorrow, because getting up at 2 am is not conducive to learning anything as far as I am concerned. I am very excited about benefitting from Jean’s 50+ years of experience. I am looking forward to immersing myself in the depth and richness of her vast experience, and to learning new skills and meeting new people. I have no expectations about the outcome, it know this is what I have to do now and I know it will be the perfect experience for me now. I am completely open to all it can bring and will bring.


image by Melodi2

A perfect reflection

1 10 2014



This morning, I witnessed the most wondrous thing. Now you have to know that I believe that everything that grabs my attention in the outer world is a perfect reflection of what is going on in my inner world. Let me elaborate on that a bit. We and everything around us basically are clumps of energy. Energy vibrates. Everything vibrates at its own frequency. Objects that vibrate at the same frequency resonate. The world we experience is made up of people, events and experiences that resonate with us. In this sense, we create our own reality.

Yesterday, I was looking for an answer to a question. I wanted to know where I am on my journey and what step to take next. I usually try to do too much too soon, and I wanted to take a different route this time. This morning, as I was sitting in my bed, drinking a cup of coffee, writing in my journal and intermittently staring out the window, I got my answer. We have a huge triangular window in the bedroom and in the upper corner, a group of geese entered my sight.  They weren’t flying in their usual V-shape, but were sort of scattered. As I watched, they stopped going forward. Most of them were suspended in mid-air,  clapping their wings not to go down, as the rest of them were rearranging themselves. From my view point, it looked chaotic, but they seemed to know what they were doing, because all of a sudden, they started moving forward again, a perfect V emerged and then within seconds they organically altered their course.

I was mind-blown. What I had witnessed was the perfect reflection of what is happening in my brain. The old isn’t working anymore, the patterns that used to control my life are suspended in mid-air, they have to give way to a new leader. At the moment, new patterns are finding their place, reorganizing the whole. On some days, this process feels chaotic, awkward and frustrating. My old self wants to get moving, it doesn’t particularly care in which direction, as long as it is moving. On most days, however, I trust the process, this new emerging self knows that I am not ready yet and takes the time it needs to do what it has to do to prepare for the next stage of the journey. Like the geese, I’m suspended in mid-air, clapping my wings, allowing the new self to take form. I don’t know how or when, but I know that everything I need to do in order to move in the direction of that new self will reveal itself to me, be it a  flash of insight, a person, a situation or event, or a perfect reflection in the outer world.


image by mirofoto

The paradox of perfection

24 09 2014



In this world we are bombarded by messages that we should be, do and have both better and more. And as we feel inadequate, never good enough, after years of being standardized, these messages resonate with us. And we start chasing the perfect life. Out there. And sometimes we do get what we want and sometimes we don’t, but no matter the result, it never brings the sense of fulfillment we were hoping to find in the first place. We will never be, do or have enough unless we feel that we are enough as we are. Until we feel that we are perfect as we are in every moment, that life is perfect as it is, in every moment, we are chasing someone else’s dream.

Until recently, I was unable to accept my reality as perfect. I said life was perfect, but it would be even more perfect if I had published that book, would be speaking in front of large audiences, had exposed my art in a gallery. See the incongruence? I didn’t, my blind spot. Everything I did was rooted in filling this gap. I can tell you, it caused a lot of stress. As a result, I have quite some unfinished books and paintings. Even when I started with the intention of just having fun, it soon became a means to an end, a must. This sapped all the joy out of it. Instead of joy, I would feel increasing amounts of resistance. Inspiration stopped flowing, and my creativity would dry up. It was frustrating, very frustrating. Apart from writing this blog, I would not write a word. And apart from using my pencils for coloring, I would not touch any artistic medium. I would look at them longingly, but not touch them, because I had no clue what to do with them anyway.

This week for the first time in a long, long time, I felt like painting again. I felt like finishing a painting that has been sitting on my easel for months, and I had an idea for another painting that made me happy. For now, I will not do anything about those impulses yet. I will just observe them and allow them to grow. I will practice not doing a bit more, not doing and feeling enough at the same time. I am learning to love myself and my life as it is, just for the sake of loving it. There is no destination I need to reach, no outcome I am trying to force. A revolution! There is just the perfection of this moment, no matter what it looks like. Until now, when I asked myself, what if your life will always be like this? I would feel stress, intense stress. Now, that stress is almost completely gone, I can feel some traces of it, but that’s all.

I am starting to not only see, but also feel the perfection of this life. I love all that I have been and all that I have lived. I love all that I am and all that I am living. And I love all that I am becoming and will be living. I finally get the seeming paradox of loving life unconditionally, regarding life as perfect no matter what it looks like, and creating a better life at the same time. I never got that. I never got how loving my life as it is, would make it better. It is simple, so simple. The energy we invest in this moment determines the return on investment we will get in the next moment. I don’t know what my future looks like, how it will unfold (and for the first time I feel okay about that), but I do know that when I regard life as perfect, it will be perfect, now and forever. My life is perfect, for me, in this moment. Every moment. End of story.


The tale of two wolves

17 09 2014



There is this wonderful Cherokee tale. You might have heard it. It goes like this: An old Cherokee tells his grandson: “My son, there’s a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and ego. The other is joy, peace, love, hope, kindness, truth, compassion and faith. and truth.” The boy thinks about it for a minute and asks: “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man replies: “The one that you feed.”

I believe that what I give energy to grows. For years, I practiced being aware of what I think and believe, and focus on positive thoughts. Only recently, I started practicing being aware of what I really feel, and started focusing on what feels good to me. I already understood that focusing on the positive side of life brought me more positive experiences. And for some things that was easy, for other things not so. With those things I kept struggling. What I understand now is that I overstretched my beliefs on those subjects.
Our beliefs are not as static as we may believe them to be. Of course, on the intellectual level, we either believe something or we don’t. When it comes to the heart level, things are not as black and white. Ideas have a feeling tone. Something our heart doesn’t want to believe feels off, period. When ideas feel uneasy they are on the outskirts of our belief system. They are either long-overdue, in that case we need to let them go, or they are  too avant-garde, and don’t concern us yet. Somewhere in the middle is our belief set point. It reflects perfectly where we are now. But most interesting to us are the ideas that feel good. The ideas we want to believe, that are perceived to be believable and that we can easily be persuaded to believe. Our heart is excited about their potential and our mind is reassured by what seems to be a solid body of evidence.

In these past weeks, I was stuck in a recurring situation. It had happened in the past on a regular basis, and now it was happening again. Only this time, the situation seemed to get worse over time instead of better. Nothing serious, just a minor physical ailment. A seemingly non-cooperative knee.
It took some time for me to get annoyed enough to make time to review my thoughts and beliefs on the subject and how I felt about them. I sat down and did a brain dump. I wrote down every thought I had on my knee. I categorized them in the feeling tones ‘good’, ‘neutral’ and ‘uneasy’. The power of what I did next just blew my mind. In my note book, I started to elaborate on those ideas that that felt good. I free wrote about how and why they make me feel good. I included good-feeling ideas about my knee, my body, my health, my love for my knee, my body, my health, and myself.  I let all these good-feeling ideas, the thoughts and the emotions that come with them flow on paper. I did not censor myself. I just allowed myself to feel good about those subjects and where I was in relationship to them. Once I got going, it felt so good that it got addictive. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote. I let go of the idea that I have a weak knee, and am continuously focusing on the belief that my body is whole, always gravitating towards health.

It has been less than a week, the infection in my knee is gone, the swelling is noticeably less, I can move it freely, it is pain free, I can walk and bike again. Every day, I am regaining mobility and functionality. However, the miracle isn’t about the knee, it is about a shift in focus. It is about me letting go of old beliefs and fully embracing newer, better-feeling beliefs. What happens when we focus on better-feeling beliefs is that we are reprogramming our belief set point. You have to know that our brain can’t really distinguish between what goes on on the outside and what goes on on inside. When we focus on beliefs that feel good, when we think about them and write about them as much as we can, they become practiced. They become our new ‘neutral’. And the beliefs that first were too avant-garde for our mind to believe, become accessible by associate, and move into the realm of what feels  good and is believable.
What is so great about this is that we don’t see the world as it is, we see the world as you perceive it to be, and our perceptions are ruled by our beliefs. When you allow our beliefs to evolve into beliefs that feel better, that represent who we are now, and we do that consistently, the world we perceive will change accordingly. The beliefs we feed win, they manifest. When we ask ourselves which beliefs we do want to manifest, what we do you want our world to look and feel like, we set ourselves up for a better experience. When we feed the beliefs that feel good, we are creating a world that feels better.


picture by Me Me

Trusting my gut

10 09 2014



After I got better, after having been ill for some years, I assumed that all I had to do was to get my life organized again and get rolling again. What I did not understand, until now, is that apart from the parts of my life that I was genuinely loving, I had no life to get back to. Almost everything I had built my life upon was in the process of undoing itself. My life was mostly built upon what I had been taught was good. Even in the years before I got sick, as I was rebuilding my life in a way I believed was my way, my thinking and feeling were still contaminated by my socialization. I had been conditioned so strongly that, on the intellectual and feeling level, I could not separate myself from it.  So everything I did, even though at the time I firmly believed that I was making a conscious choice, was somehow influenced by what I was raised to believe and feel. Gaining consciousness is a process. It is how I became conscious. It probably is Read the rest of this entry »

The challenge

3 09 2014



Remember last week’s essay What do I want? Whenever we express an intention, we will be challenged to come through on that intention. This week, my challenge came in the form of the Ice Bucket Challenge. Unless you have been living under a rock those past months, you will know that this challenge is about throwing a bucket of ice water over yourself in order to raise awareness for ALS. As I heard a dear friend nominate me in his video, I felt a huge drop in energy, I actually instantly felt sick to my stomach. My body screamed ‘NO!’. There was nothing rational about this ‘no’. It wasn’t even about not wanting to do this. This ‘no’ wasn’t about the bucket with ice water or about not wanting to raise awareness for ALS, because I have witnessed what ALS does and it ain’t pretty. I really do wish health to everyone, and most of all hope, hope for a cure, for a better life, for a better future. We all need hope.

The only logical thing I can come up with is that I have felt pressured to do what other people wanted me to do for the greater part of my life and that nowadays my inner-being protects me by revolting to anything that makes me feel pressured. Whatever reason there may be, it doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that I have promised myself to listen to my body, to follow its guidance. In a way, it would be so easy to throw a bucket of ice water over myself, record a video and put it on social media, because I do care, and also because I do not want to let my friend down. But that would mean that I would consciously negate my body signals, something I have done for too long, something that has led to burn-out, depression and illness. I cannot do that anymore. I have promised my body that I will listen to the best of my abilities and follow her guidance. And that is exactly what I am going to do. I do not have the luxury to not listen. Trust is gained, it takes years to build and only seconds to break.


picture by Joachim Aagaard Nielsen

What do I want?

27 08 2014


For the past twenty-five years, my predominant question has been ‘What do I want?’ Where other people did seem to have a pretty good idea of what they wanted in life, I simply seemed unable to fill in the blank. I remember five years ago, on a summer vacation in Tuscany, sitting next to my tent, rereading The Success Principles by Jack Canfield, trying to come up with thirty things to do, thirty things to be and thirty things to have  before I die. I remember looking at the empty page before me in a kind of muted panic, and then jotting down things for the sake of filling that page, because, honestly, I was unwilling to admit that I was clueless. Yet, everything I came up with felt like something someone else had thought up, not me. And this left me even more clueless than before.

In these past months, I discovered that when other people expressed a preference, I automatically would go blank and start facilitating, even when I felt strong resistance. Most of the time, I just wouldn’t know what I wanted and just went along with whatever was most convenient to others. Usually, for my personal preference to break through I needed high contrast situations, and for me to actually express them even more contrast. I have been conditioned to suppress my own desires to the point that I find it hard to even identify my own preferences in the simplest of situations. Somehow, I learned very early on that it was better not to have personal preferences than to have them denied. To make things challenging, I live with two people who have very easily crystallized preferences. It has taken me a long time to understand that my preferences are unintentionally marginalized because in their world there is no such thing as not knowing what you want. Most of the time, I only know what I really want after the other has not only expressed a preference, but is taking action toward realizing it, or to complicate matters, after it is set in motion. That, of course, leads to a lot of stress, not to mention frustration, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Understanding how this process works for me has already taken a lot of stress out of the equation. Instead of instantly going in to facilitatory mode, I am learning to say that I need more time, that I don’t know what I want yet. I am learning to ask myself ‘What do I want?’, same question, shift in emphasis, different outcome. I am learning what it feels like to want or not want something. I am in the process of becoming aware of a rise or a drop in my energy levels, learning to register expansion or contraction, to feel lightness of heaviness. Of course, I know what these sensations feel like, but in this specific situation I have never allowed myself to let them seep into my awareness. The mind can be likened to a dog. When it has been trained through pain, retraining takes time, but most of all trust. I am gently training myself to pay attention to the signals my body is sending, to trust them by listening to them as well as I can. Every time I listen to them, I show myself that my feelings and personal preferences are intrinsically valuable, which in turn motivates my body to send clearer signals. This is what self-love looks like.

In Surrendering to Summer, I intended to gain more clarity on what I want and more focus on what feels good to me. It did not quite come in the package I was expecting, but in the end I got exactly what I asked for. What a gift!


picture by Joana Croft

Surrendering to summer

16 07 2014




Over here, summer school break has started. 6 whole weeks in which life unfolds at a different pace than in day-to-day life. This summer it is my intention to use this period as a time to learn to focus on what I love, no matter what is going on around me. To consistently focus on my well-being first. I want to focus on Life Energy flowing through me and to me. I want to raise my vibration. I want to love Life even more. I want to be more focused. I want to be more appreciative. I want to enjoy the process of watching my life unfold. I want to let go of resistance. I want to be able to focus on things that make me feel good. I want to open up to all that is lined up for me. I want to get up to speed with the things that I want, without effort. I want to experience ease and flow. I want to practice having fun more. I want to practice going with the flow more. I want to embrace life as it is more. I want to feel peace and joy and excitement and eagerness. I want to practice focusing my thoughts on things that please me. I want to practice focusing my energy on things that I want. I want to feel pure desire, unresisted desire. I want to breathe Love. I want to create Life. I want to feel Go(o)d. I want to be all that I am. I want to trust more, I want to love more, I want to be more of me. I intend to be all that I am by releasing anything that is keeping my cork from floating. I will consistently choose feeling the best I can, I will at all times choose being happy over being right. I will love anything I do and do anything I love. I will love life and I will live love, no matter what it looks like. I will consistently steer my thoughts in the direction of things that fuel me and inspire me. I will be open to anything Life offers me and love the life that flows to me as a result. I will surrender, surrender, surrender and love, love, love, until it is the dominant pattern in my life. I am the creator of my life.


Image by Craig Toron

The Love Loop

9 07 2014



Last week, I was thinking about a present for someone, but could not come up with something fitting. Until hours later that day, when my eye fell on a book in my bookcase, and seemingly out of nowhere his name popped up instantly. Apparently, this was the present I had been looking for. There have been times, not so long ago, where I would have neglected such an impulse and moved on, but nowadays, I honor them. Even though I had no idea why this book inspired his name and giving it was way outside of my comfort zone, I gave it anyway. As he thanked me for the book something interesting happened, I felt nervousness wash through me, fear. And I wasn’t able to stay present and accept his gratitude open-heartedly. Miraculously, I had picked the right book, he was genuinely pleased, and instead of celebrating the awesomeness of that co-creation, I felt awkward and clumsy. In that moment, I was acutely aware of the fact that I Read the rest of this entry »

The Love Ladder

2 07 2014



There is an analogy by the late Stephen Covey that I really like. In the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People he asks us if our ladder is leaning against the right wall. So that when we climb it, we won’t invest our energy in the things that don’t matter to us, only to find out at the top.
For the greater part of my life (I know I use this phrase a lot), I invested most of my energy in fear-based thoughts. I was at the top of that ladder, and was getting ready to jump when I got sight of the wall I wanted to be on. Instead of jumping, I started descending. It has taken me 15 years to descend the fear ladder. That is a long time. Logical, as I had invested so much energy in climbing it. I had become really good at thinking fearful thoughts, and I had not learned how to think thoughts that weren’t rooted in fear. Going down the fear ladder, I did the cha cha cha, two down one up, and sometimes even two up one down.
Fear was my most practiced response. In our brains, our most practiced response looks like a freeway. The response we are trying to create doesn’t exist yet in our brains, we are literally creating pathways as we go. Creating a new response is like carving a path, cutting through the undergrowth with our machetes, going back and forth making sure it doesn’t get overgrown again. And as we do that the existing freeway is deteriorating and the new path is getting well-trodden. It is hard work. Because as much as we want to you can’t go from one response to another in a heartbeat. That would be like driving a 100km/h and trying to put your car in reverse. It doesn’t work. First you have to stop the car and then you can put it in reverse. The more speed you have, the more time it takes.

For some time now I have been at ground level, cha cha cha-ing between two walls with two different ladders. At certain moments going up one and at other moments going up the other. I am becoming really good at doing the cha cha cha and I am learning to appreciate how it goes back and forth. I am learning that going back and forth is a natural motion, that it can be a forward motion, that it can be an effective set point changer. When we see the steps backwards as a means of becoming even more aware of what we do want, then they become part of the dance instead of simply going in the wrong direction.
Stephen Covey made the analogy with regards to what we do with our lives. That did not work for me, as I was clueless to who I was. Understanding this analogy at the level of thought and energy has made so much more sense. I revel in understanding that you cannot go from one end of a continuum to the other in a single step, that a journey is very rarely linear, that we will relive every part of the journey as often as we need to to identify the thought that got us there, so we can practice a different thought, a better-feeling thought. And that it is in practicing better-feeling thoughts and getting used to the feelings that go with it, that we move forward. I am getting better at that every single day. I am getting that even the days that don’t feel like I am getting better at it  are adding to this expansion. And understanding that makes all the difference.
I celebrate the journey that landed me here, because wow! what a journey that was. I am very excited about where I am now. I am neither impatient nor patient. I know the trajectory of my journey. And I am really looking forward to where I am heading, to climbing that new ladder and exploring new heights, anticipating every step. I have no clue what the view will be like, and I don’t care, because I know that this time I will be climbing the ultimate ladder, the Love ladder.


Image by Asif Akbar

Learn to fly

25 06 2014



The upside of having been neurotic for the greater part of my life is that I can recognize neurotic behavior from a distance. I can tell you this: we live in an ever more neurotic world. It seems neurotic is the new normal, or maybe it always was this way, maybe I just was so immersed in it that I did not see it. I was fearful of a wide range of things. My fears kept me from living the life I wanted to live. I saw problems everywhere, and focused on them with fervor. I had a very fixed sense of reality and wasn’t aware of how I was limiting myself. I was constantly worrying and always stressed. Does any of this sound familiar?

Everything is either rooted in fear or in love. With love, I don’t mean the mushy, meddling kind, the I-love-my-kid-so-much-I-worry-about-her-all-the-time kind of love, or the I-love-him-so-much-I-don’t-want-him-to-leave-me kind of love. That’s not love, that’s a control issue. That’s fear disguised as love. Love will not worry, not fear, not stress. Period. Love will trust that all is well. Don’t get me wrong. This trust is not passive, it is not fatalist. This trust is active, it is following our heart even when it doesn’t make sense yet. It is understanding that we are all geniuses in our own way, that nothing is impossible, that there are no dead-ends. It is knowing that we have great power, that we co-create this life experience, that we give meaning to our own lives.

There is a quote circulating the internet. A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because her trust is not on the branch but on it’s wings. We have forgotten that we have wings. Somewhere along the line, we have come to believe we can’t fly. But the fact that we don’t use our wings, doesn’t make us flightless, it just makes us move through life less effectively. Ever seen an eagle climb a tree? My point exactly. We have wings. The great news is that we don’t need to grow wings, we only need to use them.  We may need to grow some muscles, but we have wings. We can fly, we can soar.

I had forgotten my true nature, I had forgotten that I have wings, that I can fly. As a result I felt deeply unsafe, and had an equally deep need for control. Things are changing. I am moving to the other side of the spectrum. I still have fears, but I don’t attach (much) weight to them anymore. I can see them, I can feel them, (if necessary) face them, (mostly) ignore them, (usually) not give into them and choose a (more) deliberate response, choose a response rooted in love, choose to trust even when it doesn’t make sense yet.

Have you ever seen baby birds? Before they can fly they will stretch their wings and hip on the branch, mimicking flight behavior, until their wings are strong enough. Then they will just let themselves fall of the branch and fly. In this neurotic world, this is our choice: are we going to sit on that branch fretting about whether and when it will break, or are we going to face our fears, focus on love, exercise trust, jump of that branch and live?


Image by Juha Soininen

Getting up to speed

18 06 2014



We all set intentions, consciously and unconsciously. We may not know it, but we do. We set intentions when we intend for things to happen in our life. Some intentions are more powerful than other intentions. The power of an intention is determined by the power of the desire that fueled it. The great thing about intentions is that Life always meets us half-way. All we have to do is set the intention and then Life creates the right circumstances for us to fulfill it. The only thing is that the right circumstances are not always desired circumstances. Conscious intention-setting is a powerful way to invite change into your life. When we set intentions consciously, we are most likely to recognize the circumstances that help us fulfill them. Although, in my experience, most of the time, while Life keeps its end of the agreement, I am blind to it. Usually because I did not expect the right circumstances to be disguised the way they are, or simply because I perceive them to be wrong instead of right. Last week, I set the intention to be more loving. I literally asked: How can I be more loving?

Later that day, I was driving on what I consider to be one of the worst pieces of freeway in the Netherlands. Only four lanes, extremely crowded and loads and loads and loads of international trucks equipped with both speed limiters and drivers that nevertheless feel the need to overtake trucks that only drive 1km/h slower, even though there is an abundance of signs telling them not to. Over the years, I have become a lot more relaxed behind the wheel, most of the time I don’t get too stressed over the behavior of other drivers, but not that day. That afternoon, Read the rest of this entry »

Unapologetically me

11 06 2014



My life does not look like that of most people. For a long time that has bothered me, because somehow most people have a hard time categorizing me and apparently that bothers them enough to be uncomfortable around me. It bothered me because I just really wanted to be liked. So I tried to make people feel comfortable by playing small, consciously or unconsciously.

We all do it, playing small to fit in, trying to be more alike to be more easily liked. I can tell you that it doesn’t work. It is my experience that people won’t be fooled, they will simply notice the incongruency and feel uncomfortable anyway. The only thing we can do is be ourselves, completely and unapologetically ourselves. Because as Dr Seuss said: “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”. And that really is all there is to it.

So, my life does not look like that of most people. Big deal! How could it? The moment I chose not to kill myself, the moment I chose to live, the moment I chose to become as happy has humanly possible I chose to take the road less traveled. And here I am, on a road less traveled. It kind of makes sense. For the longest time, It felt as if I was walking that road alone, and now I see there are plenty of cool people here. And guess what, their life doesn’t look like that of most people either!

For as long as I can remember I craved connection. Now I am connected, to me. And apparently, that is enough. I love people, I do, more than I ever thought was possible, and I feel our connection, but I don’t necessarily need to play with anyone that crosses my path anymore.  And I really do not need to make them feel comfortable. Connected, yes. Perfect as they are, yes. Comfortable, no. Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel that I am any better, because I am not, but I do feel that it is okay to be different. I finally have accepted that I am different. My story, my interests, my likes and dislikes, they are not average. I am no longer interested in fitting in. And I no longer fear being different. All I am interested in is being me, unapologetically me.

I will not be everybody’s cup of tea. And that is okay. It doesn’t feel comfortable yet, but I don’t need you to like me, and I don’t need you to make me feel special, because I like myself, or even better I love myself as I am.  And I know for a fact that I am special. And that you are too. I am just being me, unapologetically me, and I invite you to be you, unapologetically you. And if you like me and I like you, than that is a bonus, a perfect compliment to an already perfect life.


image by Darren Deans

The foundation of trust

4 06 2014



One and a half week ago, on an early Sunday morning, we received a call from my mother-in-law, that my father-in-law had had a stroke. In the stroke, the flow of oxygen in the right hemisphere of his  brain was cut off for what probably was a prolonged period of time. As a result, the appearance of the man we love so dearly has changed. As my daughter put it very aptly “I miss my granddad.”

To be a by-stander, to not be able to do anything but give love and facilitate healing feels unsettling, but then this is life. This is life. Although we would like to believe otherwise, all we can do for others and ourselves is to give love and facilitate healing. It is only at a time like this that this truth lies bare, unhidden by the illusion we prefer to see. Truth always facilitates healing. It never forces, always leaves the choice to us. Are we willing to step up to the plate, or do we choose to cover the truth that is revealed to us with the illusion of control again? No matter the situation, I choose the first. And as harsh as it may sound, this situation provided me with exactly the right impulses to help me grow more in to all that I am.

This week, I discovered that the basis of my ‘trust’ fund was wobbly. It was built on sand instead of rock. As the week progressed, I got more tired, more stressed. What stood out most was that I started eating licorice, and couldn’t stop. On Monday, my husband and I had a minor falling out. It was no big deal, yet I felt such stress that my body started shaking and all I wanted to do was curl up and be comforted by someone that made me feel completely safe. No one fitted the profile, the person who makes me feel safest just left the building with a thundercloud over his head. It was only then that I realized I felt Unsafe and Unsupported. Capital U. Core beliefs. In the first weeks of my life, my body and mind were imprinted with the message that I am unsafe, that I am unsupported. And ever since, my body and mind have repeated that message to me, over and over again. At core, I believe that I AM unsafe, that I AM unsupported. Trust does not thrive on these beliefs.

So yesterday, I did what I do when I discover an ineffective belief, I let it go. I let it go by literally breathing into the pain and getting the stale energy that is stored in my body to move again until it is felt and released. It was the first time I reached so deep into my body. Amazingly, while I was releasing being unsafe my sixth chakra was activated, and while I was releasing being unsupported my crown chakra was activated. This energy system of us is so beautifully designed, and so logical. We cannot trust the inspiration that is flowing to and through to us when we believe we are unsupported. We cannot envision great things to happen through and to us when we believe we are unsafe. Just like we cannot create abundance when we don’t dare to express ourselves, or own our power when we don’t love ourselves.

One of the great mystical Truths is that we are One. This means that what is done to one is done to All. I believe the best way to give love and facilitate healing to others is by healing ourselves. When we heal ourselves, the whole gets healthier. When we heal ourselves, we allow others to heal more easily, because only when we are unhindered by disempowering beliefs, we can be fully present in every moment, and love everything and everyone with the same, undivided attention. This is what it means to allow the Universe to flow through us without interference. To let Love flow without expecting anything in return. We cannot do this unless we know that we are all safe, unless we know that we are being supported, always. Only then, we can trust that everything is working out for the best without needing to see physical proof. I know that all is well. My physical eyes may not see it, but I won’t be fooled by them when my heart tells me otherwise.



picture by Puiu Adriana Mirabela

Let go, and let God

28 05 2014



I don’t know when or where I heard the expression for the first time. It was years ago and it was Dr. Wayne Dyer who said it. Let go and let God. As with most things that resonate and stick, it was just the beginning of a journey, where I first understood it intellectually, then embraced it emotionally, then experienced it physically and now am starting to live it. And at every point in the journey, the meaning of the words changed slightly and the truth became more apparent.

I recently heard a story of a retired couple who on a Friday lost all their savings. The wife loved checking in on their accounts. That Friday, their accounts were empty. She called the bank so they could reassure her it was a mistake and all would be solved. Yet the banker said there was no mistake, their funds had evaporated, he was truly sorry. The wife panicked, and her husband said to her: we still have our ‘trust’ fund, don’t we? That weekend, they let go and let God. On Monday, the ‘evaporated’ money had mysteriously reappeared, a computer glitch it seemed.

Einstein appears to have said: “There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” I know this to be true. The glasses through which we choose to see life determines not only what we see, but what we live. Of course, maybe it was ‘just’ a computer glitch, but I choose to live my life as if everything is a miracle. Choosing to see miracles, my life is is abundant beyond measure, because I get to live miracles.

We are vessels of God (or whatever you call the Life force that inspires us to take our first breath), and trust is the carrier. It is as simple as that. When we trust, we allow God to work through us. There is nothing else we have to ‘do’, just be still and trust that all is going according to God’s plan. I have learned through experience that, whether we are aware of it or not, our perception of reality influences what happens next. I have learned that when we love, when we see beauty and perfection, when we trust God to work through us, we create a miraculous reality. I am a mystic, not a physicist, but it looks like our awareness either disrupts or harmonizes the basic fabric this universe is made of. Trust harmonizes, fear disrupts, we get to choose.


Picture by Gloria Cheng

System reset

21 05 2014



I wish I could tell you what healing feels like. I wish I could tell you how it affects one’s life. But I can’t. Even after having healed several parts of my life, I am still speechless. The miracle of healing is a system reset. The old parameters simply don’t exist anymore. The past has happened, and I can remember it, but memories that stood out have lost their sting, becoming just another memory in the stream of memories that is my past. The beliefs and consequent suffering that were attached to them are gone, and I cannot remember what my life felt like prior to the healing. I cannot remember the pain.

I wish I could tell you what it feels like to all of a sudden stop doing things you have done for a lifetime and start doing things that before you shrieked away from. To be relaxed where before you were stressed, or to know that everything will be allright where before you were sure the heavens would come down on you. I wish I could tell you what it feels like to be emotionally light, to not be tied to the past anymore or worried by the future, to be free-floating in this moment. To be able to feel fear, see it for what it is and choose grace instead. To have no shame left. But I can’t, it is indescribable.

The thing I can say about miracles is that they are the result of a shift from the mind to the heart. When we stop giving attention to the mind and start giving attention to the heart, we go from a mind-perceived world to a heart-perceived world, or soul-perceived world.  When we shift from ‘why did this happen (to me, to us)?’ to ‘how can this help me / us heal?’,  and are willing to forgive and love for no other reason than love, then healing happens and miracles occur.


photo by Whrelf Siemens