Blew a fuse

20 12 2007

Life did not go as foreseen these last weeks. I had to let go a lot, and I did. Until yesterday.
I normally have Wednesdays to focus on what I need to do in order to move forward. I have a whole day to get in touch with the life I need to lead in order to be fulfilled. I need that day. It is as essential to me as oxygen. Yesterday was the fourth Wednesday in a row that I let other priorities prevail over mine.  Those of my husband, my daughter and of our family as a whole. Yesterday, it felt like too much. I was frustrated with myself for giving in, angry with my husband for not respecting my time and energy. I felt like crying all the time. Why didn’t I let go?

I know I can let go anything I want to. But I did not want to let go of my frustration and anger. Letting go would mean letting go of my perceived weakness, of my husband’s perceived carelessness.  I wanted to hold on to my anger and pain to show my husband I was hurting. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. I did not want to let him off the hook easily. I only realized this mid-afternoon, while taking a shower. The water rinsed away all the hurt that was clinging to me. In that moment, I remembered everything is just fine as it is. All I can do is choose consciously and then let go. This experience will allow me to choose more wisely next time, for I have created a conscious memory of what it feels like when I don’t precisely lay out and protect my own boundaries. Again, I was reminded that the journey to obtaining the life of my dreams is a journey. In the end, it is not about reaching my goals, it is about what I learned along the way.


3 responses to “Blew a fuse”

20 12 2007
Mark (23:57:52) :

Ahh, maybe you couldn’t let go at first because you needed this lesson. A very valuable lesson. Thanks for sharing.

22 12 2007
Kayci (00:29:04) :

Thanks for being honest. Sometimes I feel justified in being angry too, and eventhough I know I should let go I can’t until I’m ready. I’m really commenting because it’s the second time today I’ve read that it’s the journey and not the goal where we learn to be happy, and that is something I wholeheartedly agree with but have a hard time always knowing deep down. Also if you need some cheering up I’ve posted Dolly Parton’s new video on my blog, and it’s pretty inspirational! Happy Holidays

15 01 2008
norea (13:05:38) :

Thank you for sharing in my life. It means a lot. Apologies for not responding any sooner.