For the first time in three and a half years, I feel like myself again, up and running, ready for more. It feels good. In the past year, I’ve been preparing for this moment by purging our home, letting go of things that don’t serve us anymore, things that are part of a past that is over, a past that won’t be part of our future. My intention was to make room for Life to flow through, for new things to come to us. Little did I know.
I guess Life figured I was ready to fully live again, for our life is about to change. Drastically. And although I have been preparing for my life to take a new turn, I don’t feel ready. It seems Life always has a way of giving you just enough preparation so you won’t drown, and then toss you in the water.
Two months ago, my husband told me he had done something unexpected. As an outside party, he had been involved in brain-storming a research direction at a technical university in the Netherlands. That week, in a moment of inspiration, he had asked if the position for Phd was still vacant. The answer was yes and they would love to have him.
When he told me what he had done, I wasn’t too excited. Or maybe it would be more honest to say that I completely freaked. ‘You did WHAT?????’ My fit lasted five minutes. As my life has been about accommodating everybody else’s needs, in an instant I saw all my dreams dissapear into thin air helping him make his dream come true. When I voiced that fear, my husband was stunned. I wouldn’t ask that of you, he said, I never have. Then he said, he was actually seeing this as an opportunity for both of us to live even better lives. This was the perfect situation for us to develop new life skills. He would get the opportunity to learn discipline and to organize his life. I would get the opportunity to learn to say what I really want and to create space for the things that matter to me despite what his life looks like. Wow!
Our life together is about transformation and growth, both individually and as a couple. We want to live our highest potential. We want the best for each other and support each other’s endeavors. My husband has been talking about getting a Phd ever since he got his Master’s, but never found a subject that appealed to him. Now he was at the right place, at the right time, and the subject was spot on. He gets to research the thing that he loves most. Isn’t that the Universe at its best? What an inspiring example of how life unfolds naturally when you love your life. Who am I to interfere with that level of alignment? How can I not want that for him? How can I not be excited for him and help him do his magic?
The matter was decided within a few weeks and in less than a month, our life is taking a new turn. So, we’re back to clearing our home, getting rid of even more things we don’t need to make even more room for this new life we’re about to live. Meanwhile I’m making room in my heart. I am creating space around my fears, to be able to see them as they are, to feel them and know they are part of a past that is long gone, and when I am ready clear them out gently, one fear at the time. I am making room to trust myself, to trust my ability to take care of my needs and at the same time help others meet theirs. I am making room to live my dreams, to make them come true one precious moment at the time, no matter how full our life may seem. I am making room to live an even better life, to be an even better version of myself. I may feel like I am not ready for this kind of change, but then again, maybe one never truly is. I guess one can only make room for Life to flow through and live with excitement the life that unfolds as a result.
photo by Alan Witikoski