Shame won’t kill me

16 09 2013

Over the years, I have become very good at dodging work-related questions. The subject is a painful reminder that I am a big fat failure. I have struggled with work for the last 25 years. With my fear of failure even longer. Before exams or job interviews, I would get acute and extremely painful cramps. During exams, assessment tests and job interviews I would go blank. Afterwards, I would be gutted, but the shame that followed the stress would lead to dissociation, which in turn always helped me find a logical  explanation, which already anticipated dealing with not being good enough or getting turned down. Fear of failure still is a big part of my life. I didn’t realize how much until a few weeks ago.

After I got my degree in the ‘wrong subject’ I had no clue who I was or what I wanted. So I set out to find a job that made me happy. I tried a lot of things. Most things I didn’t like, at all. And the things I did like, usually stopped being fun after a short time. I did not understand what was going on, so I figured I didn’t like it that much after all. There are two fields I kept returning to, writing and painting or drawing. Recently, I realized that I love both intrinsically, I love the act of stringing together thoughts and words and I love holding a brush, mixing colors and putting them on canvas, or holding a pen, dipping it in ink and  creating lines. They make me happy. However, it stops being fun when I start entertaining the thought of writing and selling a(n e-)book or selling my art. Then within seconds all fun is pushed aside by fear and shame.

This week, after my resolution to get over with this fear of failure, I have been feeling sick with shame. Shame that this fear has ruled my life for so long. Shame for it paralyzing me. Shame for how I seem to keep struggling. Shame that I am 40 years old and have not been able to create a career with the talents I have been given, for not making money. Shame for not having been an ‘equal’ partner, whatever that may mean. Shame for wanting to write and paint. Shame for it being too frivolous. Shame for it not being real work. Shame for dreaming of a happy life. I’ve been sick with myself, fed-up with myself. I’ve been angry and sad. And I have very hard tried to remain centered through this all. It didn’t go too well. I know it is non-sensical, it is irrational and not true, but telling myself that doesn’t change how it feels or how I feel.

A younger version of myself, a little girl, has been trying to protect me from being hurt. She has been hurt so much that she never wants me to experience that level of pain again. Every time, I place myself in a situation where she feels threatened she creates havoc. She subconsciously reminds me of the time I wasn’t good enough, creating shame, and then she subconsciously asks me if I would like to go through that again, infusing fear. I would like to think that I have learned to be vulnerable, but at the moment I cannot come up with many examples, because the two things that are most real are still heavily guarded. I still have big troubles saying what I think and feel, even with good friends, out of fear of saying the ‘wrong’ thing resulting in being bashed or ignored. Same with expressing my talents. Apparently, a part of me still believes that I am not worth being taken seriously, that people don’t value my opinions and my talents. It knows without a shadow of a doubt that I am not good enough.

I am not buying it anymore. After almost a week of feeling nauseous and on the verge of kicking and screaming and crying, I can see that this little girl, who has tried to protect me is now trying to protect herself. Somehow this fragmented piece of myself has been feeding on my shame and fear and in order not to die with the fear of failure, she is bullying me with a continuous stream of shame inducers. I know from research and my own experience that young children have a very real sense of dying when they are withheld what they need most. So I guess that in order for her to stop terrorizing me, I need her to feel safe, I need her to feel valued, I need her to see that shame won’t kill me and she will be free without fear of failure.

I don’t know quite yet how to do that, but I guess publishing this article is a good start. Every Wednesday morning, with exceptions, I publish an article. Every Wednesday after I publish an article, I am a nervous wreck, no exceptions. Will people read it? Will they see me? Will they like it? Will they value me? Will they comment? Won’t they ignore me? People comment (mostly via social media) saying it resonated with them, they loved it. Yet the anticipation of rejection, the anticipation of shame, the fear of being ignored, of not being valued remain as intense as ever. Today, I am ready to throw up. Publishing this article feels like suicide. It feels like jumping off a cliff. I am going to do it anyway, hoping I have grown strong enough wings, hoping I will end up soaring instead of falling to pieces.

 





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8 responses to “Shame won’t kill me”

16 09 2013
Dagmara (14:05:12) :

I see you… and not even for one second am I thinking you fail, now or in all the steps you took in your life… but I know that won’t change how YOU feel about this.
I know, because I recognize a lot more than I would like to admit, to the world and (maybe mostly) to myself.
So I join you with this comment in the slightly suicidal feeling of being honest about the fear of failing.
Thanks for your brave, touching honesty.

16 09 2013
Mascha (14:07:47) :

KuNt, bedoelde ik in mijn eerdere reactie, kunt met een n. Om verwarring te voorkomen :-)

16 09 2013
Ragna (20:46:16) :

Big hugs babe!
For I see you. And while you feel like falling I am watching you soar!

18 09 2013
Smokey Mirror » We’re going on a bear hunt (10:13:57) :

[...] when I come to think of it, I don’t think I ever read it to my daughter.  This last week walking through my shame, I kept repeating to myself  ‘We’ve got to go through it.’  At the beginning of this [...]

25 09 2013
Smokey Mirror » Mind the gap! (10:18:58) :

[...] my most wanted response. Over the last year, I was able to see what was happening in retrospect. Shedding (at least part of) my shame has created a gap between what happens to me and how I respond. In this gap lives my freedom to [...]

6 10 2013
beezy (13:48:26) :

I have been in such despair today trying to find something good I have done in my life, and could see nothing until I remembered your kind words to me 3 years ago where you quoted Ralph Waldo Emerson and told me you have breathed easier, it was my lifeline.
I am sorry you ever suffer doubt, fear or shame, and I want you to know this, that your words help me to go on one more day.
When I feel I am more trouble than I am worth I will try to hang onto them. Never doubt the good that you do and thank you so much for letting me feel a little of that for myself today.
beezy

9 10 2013
norea (09:02:43) :

sweet, sweet Beezy,
let me give you a BIG hug. Just close you eyes and feel the energy I am sending you. You touch my heart!
I don’t know about your life, but I know that you are perfect as you are. I know too that life isn’t about doing good, life is about learning to love ourselves despite everything we feel we do wrong.
Let’s make a deal. For the next 30 days, I will set aside 5 minutes a day to support your intention to see the best in you, connect with you in spirit and send you love. In that period, you will be keeping a proud journal, in which you write, at the end of the day, 5 things to be proud of yourself that day, no matter how small, no matter how mundane. The first thing you can write today is a biggie: you supported an other human being through an empathetic acknowledgement of their worth. wow! please, don’t brush that aside. It may feel normal to you, it is awesome! I’m guessing it is time you learn to see your assets for what they are worth.
holding you in loving awareness, Hermien

12 02 2014
Smokey Mirror » Owning my self-worth (12:03:02) :

[...] things take time. Five months ago, I wrote an article called Shame won’t kill me. It was about walking through my deep-seated fear of failure, which was essentially a fear of not [...]

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