Smokey Mirror

One of the most important lessons Life has taught me is that when you are open, when you surrender to the unfolding of Life, the most amazing things happen. Having made it my primary intention to allow the flow of Life to lead me, I have lived some really cool stuff. And yet, every time Life opens up to me as a result and gives in return, it blows my mind.

Somewhat more than a month ago, my husband did a one day training course. When he came home that evening, he said he had enrolled in a six day training course. He wasn’t quite sure yet and could stil cancel if he decided otherwise. Then something happened that had never happened before. Out of nowhere emerged my voice, saying ‘I am going to do that course.’ I was as surprised as my husband. I didn’t even know what the course was about. My husband wasn’t ready to let go and give in yet, and again he said that he wasn’t quite sure, and could still cancel. And again, my voice said ‘I AM going to do that course’, the sense of certainty stronger and deeper this time. It happened three times before my husband said: I think you need to do this course. Yes I do, I said. What happened exactly, I don’t know, but somehow my subconscious mind recognized this 6 day course as the next step on my chosen path. Needless to say, it was right.

Last Sunday, on the third day of the course, the instructor was explaining something. Feeling I could add to the conversation, I did. As a reaction the trainer said: ‘Hermien, you always want to give so much, but I don’t want to receive what you have just given me.’ He was very clear, not only in his words.
As the trainer and the rest of the group went on, these words triggered intense pain within me. Recognizing that this pain was out of context to what had just happened, I knew it had touched an old unresolved pain. And as I excused myself to wipe my tears and blow my nose, I knew too that this pain wasn’t going to be pushed back again. As I stood sobbing in the ladies room, out of the blue, I knew exactly what this pain was about and why it hurt so much.

Until February, I had lived my life from behind a glass wall, intensely alone, unable to participate in the lives of others. Healing a lifelong trauma, the glass wall had shattered, but I was still standing at the same spot, conditioned to not get over the line where once the wall had been. I wanted to, but I had no clue how.
A week before the start of the course I had had a mission path coaching session with the trainer. During that session, I shared that I want people to feel felt, heard and seen in my presence. I want them to see their true potential through my eyes, words and touch. And I realised that the one thing I really needed to allow that is to cross the line I’ve stood behind my whole life.

In the ladies’ room, I saw with clarity that my giving had been a lifeline, it was me waving from behind the glass hoping to be seen. Giving was my way of connecting with you and if you didn’t wave back, if you didn’t accept what I had to offer, to me that felt like you didn’t acknowledge my presence, my existence, and thus I was all alone again. Although I had no clue at that moment when I stood there sobbing, allowing this pain to emerge pushed me across the line. It was only when I got back and sat in the same room again with the trainer and the other particpants, that I noticed what had happened as love washed through my body and I felt a deep connection to all ten people in the room. The intensity of the feeling nearly knocked me of my socks.

So again, I enter a new chapter in my life. The title: On Giving Unconditionally. I know I’m not there yet. This morning while following my gut and writing an e-mail to someone who had, just once, not waved back from behind the glass nearly made me throw up with nausea, it made me shake and tremble so violently that writing was difficult. Just write anyway, you will be alright, my wise self insisted while my brain was throwing a power tantrum. The word ‘cold turkey’ came to mind. It lasted an hour and then subsided. I sent the e-mail and got a glimpse of what it really means not to take anything personally. I am looking forward to living that fully. Once again, my life is falling into place. I must say I am starting to looooove these full-circle experiences!

Life is amazing! I feel utterly blessed to be me. I feel deep gratitude and appreciation to my husband for letting me do the course, to Robbert for responding to life and reacting in exactly the way he did, to Watze for listening to my story with an open heart when I was so vulnerable, and to Robbert, Watze, Barbera, Petra, Tahlita, Hans, Freya, Lucienne, Aroena and Francien for creating an environment in which I felt safe enough to let this pain emerge. Namasté.

photo by Martyn Hearson