Blew a fuse

20 12 2007

Life did not go as foreseen these last weeks. I had to let go a lot, and I did. Until yesterday.
I normally have Wednesdays to focus on what I need to do in order to move forward. I have a whole day to get in touch with the life I need to lead in order to be fulfilled. I need that day. It is as essential to me as oxygen. Yesterday was the fourth Wednesday in a row that I let other priorities prevail over mine.  Those of my husband, my daughter and of our family as a whole. Yesterday, it felt like too much. I was frustrated with myself for giving in, angry with my husband for not respecting my time and energy. I felt like crying all the time. Why didn’t I let go?

I know I can let go anything I want to. But I did not want to let go of my frustration and anger. Letting go would mean letting go of my perceived weakness, of my husband’s perceived carelessness.  I wanted to hold on to my anger and pain to show my husband I was hurting. I wanted him to feel what I was feeling. I did not want to let him off the hook easily. I only realized this mid-afternoon, while taking a shower. The water rinsed away all the hurt that was clinging to me. In that moment, I remembered everything is just fine as it is. All I can do is choose consciously and then let go. This experience will allow me to choose more wisely next time, for I have created a conscious memory of what it feels like when I don’t precisely lay out and protect my own boundaries. Again, I was reminded that the journey to obtaining the life of my dreams is a journey. In the end, it is not about reaching my goals, it is about what I learned along the way.