A perfect unfolding

7 12 2011

 

 

Big changes don’t happen overnight. The old isn’t working anymore and the new has not yet set in. It  took some time to figure that out. I am in-between two stages of spiritual growth. Knowing that helps me embrace this period instead of fighting it. All is well.

So far, I have lived my life through the act of sheer force. I had the focus and stamina of a pittbull. Once I put my teeth into something, I could not let go. It was not like I was having fun or that I didn’t get tired (pun intentended), it was more that, on some unconscious level, I had to do it and the thought of letting go didn’t even occurr to me. This stage of personal evolution, where you show yourself you can make things happen through will power, combined with some strong personality traits and blind spots litterally got me so sick and tired, I was forced to stop. In retrospect, I can see it was my wise self telling me, in the only way I could hear, that what I was doing was not fitting anymore to who I had become along the way.

Yesterday, I was busy doing something I wanted to do, having fun, when all of a sudden, I was immensely tired (again). First, I got scared, thinking ‘oh no! not again!’ and the next second I saw the irrationality of that thought and instantly recognized that I was tired because my body was trying to convey something. So I sat down and did nothing for a few minutes. In these minutes, I could feel my body relax completely, I felt at peace, I felt love and compassion for myself, my energy returned and I felt renewed. My body and mind were gasping for silence, for being still, even if it were just a few minutes, to be able to let go of old thought patterns and to let peace arise.

For someone who has always pushed herself to the extremes doing what she thought she had to do, doing nothing and letting things arise from a space within is an extremely uncomfortable place to be. It is a completely new paradigm. I have written about it in the past, but I never understood it like I do now. I’m not there yet, I have to let it grow at it’s own pace, allowing it, not pushing it. It’s like a seed that has laid barren for a long time, but against all odds has started to grow. It grows at it’s own speed, all I can do is nurture it. I am the scarecrow, the sun, the rain. And the seed. I feel deeply blessed to watch this unfolding of me and am joyously anticipating whatever will arise from this seed, whether it be grass or an oaktree.

 

photo by Riyas Hamza

 

 





It’s all about ME

13 09 2011

 

 

Almost two weeks ago, while visiting my family doctor because of a debilitating tiredness I’ve had for some time now, she suggested I’d look into chronic fatigue syndrome / ME. I did. I found several different standards and according to all, I fit the profile perfectly.  So yesterday, I called my doctor to make a new appointment to deal with the physical side of what’s going on. That means getting a diagnosis, which will involve tests as it is a diagnosis of exclusion. There is no treatment, but I want to learn ways to go with my body, instead of against it. As I said, that’s the physical side, it is what needs to be done, but as far as I’m concerned that is not the interesting part of what is happening in my life.

I thought I had made peace with being tired, but being confronted with a possible ME diagnosis, feeling physically very ill and emotionally drained, I discovered that there were new layers to be uncovered. Although this illness and its symptoms are very real in my daily life, I choose not to see it as a physical problem. Unexplained energy loss has been an issue in my life for the past 20 years and no exercise, diet or multivitamin has had any significant results. I would be stronger and healthier than any person I’d know and still, out of the blue, get immensely tired for weeks, unable to even brush my teeth.

What is interesting is that, as I have been growing spiritually in ways that I almost cannot fathom myself, my tiredness has been growing proportionally. And although this may seem paradoxical, it makes perfect sense. See, before, the image I had of myself and my actual life were the same, there was no discord. But now, my image of self has changed almost  180º, yet my life has not. I’m still moving in the same direction. That’s two bodies moving in opposite direction, creating immense tension.

Have you ever held onto something, because you were afraid to let go, even while you knew that you would be alright, that you would be better for it? That’s where I am now. I’m in this boat and I’m rowing against the stream. I’m so good at rowing and I’ve rowed for so many years that I’ve actually managed to row upstream. The current is so much stronger up here and by now I’m rowing like a maniac not be taken by the current. I’m exhausted, I really want to let go of the oars, yet I’m so scared to be taken downstream that I keep rowing. Did I mention that I’m a control freak? I know I need to let go and allow the stream to take me, to close the gap between me and Me, but I’m afraid of what will happen when I give up this illusion of control. Fortunately, my body is caving in, and it is finally dawning on me that I cannot beat the stream of Life, there is only one way and that is down. It is called gravity.

I can honestly say that I’m excited to be on this journey. What an opportunity! What an amazing opportunity! I can’t wait to see what happens when I will let go and allow this stream of Life to take me. I will use this illness as an excuse to catch up with my Self, to become more self-ish, in the purest sense of the word. Isn’t it perfect irony that it will take ME to become Me? Makes me laugh.

photo by Christa Richter

 

 





To live, to love, to leave a legacy

23 07 2008

I believe everything is made of energy. Through this energy we are all interconnected. You are part of me and I am part of you. For this reason, I am responsible for the energy I emit. I can choose for it to be poisonous or healing, to be angry or loving. I can choose to give or take, to fuel or drain you.  

I believe my energy can be bright, my presence a loving awareness, my intentions pure like the Light that is within all of us. I believe I am a Light, meant to shine like a beacon. And so are you. So are you!





Honestly?

16 11 2007

Being open to change is all about honesty. I need to be completely honest with myself in order to know who I really am. Honesty comes at a price, though. The price is pain. Then, why bother and submit myself to continuous self-examination? Why make life complicated?

I have learned that however painful uncovering the truth may be, it is less painful than hiding that same truth. Hiding doesn’t mean it isn’t there. Deep inside, I knew I was not being completely open, and I was constantly trying to cover up. Ever tried to keep a beach ball under water? All it wants is to surface. Keeping the truth about my life under the surface took most of my energy, and finally wore me out.
I have learned that when I have the courage to see life as it is, not as I would want it to be, I’m rewarded with a deep sense of peace, as if a weight is lifted from my heart. The reward outweighs the pain always. And with every lie I uncover, my sense of self increases and the pain lessens. Where I once was unhappy, I now feel at ease with myself. I am proud to be me. All the energy I freed up, I can spend freely now. I am happy and healthy. My life has never been better, and I know the best is yet to come. 

So ask yourself in all honesty, what does your beach ball look like? 





A good return on investment

6 11 2007

I have been depressed for years. Being depressed, I did not feel like doing anything, and the less I did the less I felt capable of doing. There were days when coming out of bed was daunting, going to the store to buy food would equal climbing Mount Everest. Until I recognized how doing little or nothing had reinforced the state I was in. To get better, I had to do things.
So the years that followed, I was mainly being busy not to do nothing. Most days, I was continuously doing things from the time I got up to the time I went to sleep. On other days, being tired of being so busy, I mindlessly sat in front of the TV or read some boring book. Until I recognized how being busy to be busy left me numb. To feel fulfilled, I had to do things that are important to me.
So these days, next to doing things that just need to be done, I do a little nothing everyday and ideally spend the rest of my time on things that matter to me. It is not easy, sometimes even daunting not to turn on the TV, but I have learned that, even when feeling tired, giving energy to things that fuel me gives me more energy. I don’t know how, but the energy I invest comes back to me morefold. I can honestly say I have never felt so good in my life.