Smokey Mirror

What I choose to do or how I choose to react directly influences what happens next. Different reactions trigger different chains of events. Choosing A will yield different outcomes than choosing B. An eye for an eye, a smile for a smile. Whatever I choose to do, there are always consequences. What I put out in the world, will come back to me, positive and negative alike.  It may take time and I may be repaid differently than I envisioned, but I have faith that one day all my hard work will pay off.
You may wonder where this comes from? Writing a weblog is fun, but, and I don’t want to sound melodramatic, the proof is in the reading. The man in my life and I started a weblog at about the same time. His blog is already generating 30 to 50 times as many views a day as mine. It makes perfect sense. His blog is about Excel. It has a well-defined target group, addresses a specific need and offers asked-for solutions. My blog, on the other hand,  has none of the above ingredients and is very personal in addition. Have I chosen a chain of events that will mainly lead to my own personal growth and few readers or do I have to be patient, trust my gut there is a need for personal growth and introspection, and have faith the right people will come my way. I ‘m trying to figure out what lesson is in here for me.
In the meantime, if you know people who are interested in living their best life, spread the word about this site… If on the other hand, they are in desperate need of Excel tips and tricks, then Zo Werkt Excel is the best place to go.

I have been depressed for years. Being depressed, I did not feel like doing anything, and the less I did the less I felt capable of doing. There were days when coming out of bed was daunting, going to the store to buy food would equal climbing Mount Everest. Until I recognized how doing little or nothing had reinforced the state I was in. To get better, I had to do things.
So the years that followed, I was mainly being busy not to do nothing. Most days, I was continuously doing things from the time I got up to the time I went to sleep. On other days, being tired of being so busy, I mindlessly sat in front of the TV or read some boring book. Until I recognized how being busy to be busy left me numb. To feel fulfilled, I had to do things that are important to me.
So these days, next to doing things that just need to be done, I do a little nothing everyday and ideally spend the rest of my time on things that matter to me. It is not easy, sometimes even daunting not to turn on the TV, but I have learned that, even when feeling tired, giving energy to things that fuel me gives me more energy. I don’t know how, but the energy I invest comes back to me morefold. I can honestly say I have never felt so good in my life.

What is rare is actually wanting to do a certain thing: wanting it so much that you are practically blind to all other things, that nothing else will satisfy you… I know I have said a lot when I say ‘You can do anything you want to do’. But I mean it… Blunder ahead with your personal view… The real work of art is the result of a magnificent struggle. ‘

Robert Henri in The Art Spirit

Who am I meant to be? This question I have asked myself for years. I was sincere in my quest, but had not yet evolved to the point where I could recognize the answer. Now for the first time in my life, I believe I can. It was there all along, but I was not ready to find it. I did not know my own potential, nor did I have the security to take on the challenge ahead of me. Now I do.
Now is my time. I have no clue how to bring my dream to life, but I know I will. I don’t know what it will take, but I know I am willing to make this happen. I don’t know what life has in store for me, but I know it will be revealed to me as long as I keep asking the right questions.

Have you ever experienced all the pieces falling into place? To me, it’s what I live for. Feeling my perception shift. Knowing I’m about to take a quantum leap. Knowing the world will be different when I get to the next level. There is a sense of anticipation. I do not know what to expect, but I know my life will change in ways I cannot  begin to imagine. I’ve learned it will be a change for the better.
It always starts with feelings of restlessness, like I’m out of sync with me. Things are changing and I cannot yet pinpoint how. I start noticing things I never noticed before, sensing connections I do not yet understand and finally it all comes together.
This is my lifelong quest: hunting for answers I do not yet understand to obtain a goal I cannot yet imagine. It’s about finding my holy grail. I have to prove myself worthy of finding it. I have to grow physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually before it will be revealed to me. More than anything I believe that when I seek, I will find.

Long ago, I learned that knowing something does not automatically mean I will act accordingly. What I have come to learn last week is what every preschooler already knows: my imagination can help me connect the dots……
I know eating sugar and saturated fats is bad for my arteries, so I try to eat as healthy as possible. Indulging myself with little amounts of the darkest chocolate. But in the face of temptation, I failed miserably. Last week, I got as a present a large tablet of high quality milk chocolate; very unhealthy, but very yummy. I ate it in two-and-a-half days. Afterward, I felt so guilty, my imagination took hold of me and played some scenes right out of a horror movie. I saw milk chocolate lining my arteries, clogging them up with each piece I ate. I was only days away from a chocolate induced heart-attack. All of a sudden, I had no need for anything that had either sugar or fat in it. Bread, water and some fruit was all I wanted. Next time, I’ll use my imagination before I start eating. I’ll imagine my arteries being be the prettiest any doctor has ever seen for someone my age; like the arteries of an 18-year old: flexible and smooth. Did you know the condition of your arteries determines what your skin looks like? Now you connect the dots…

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives; be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true friends; succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.
What you may spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.
Give the world your best anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

Mother Teresa

Recently, I went through the process of clearing from my head all the commitments I have made with myself and others.. This mental to-do list was taking up too much space and way too much processing time. In stead of tossing everything, I put it down in writing. In three separate lists: things I’m committed to at present, the next step I need to take to get these things done and things I might commit myself to someday. It is interesting to see how the mind actually quiets down when you get rid of all excess baggage. Apparently, the mind keeps repeating whatever commitment you have made to yourself, even the simplest of simple intentions as ‘check out that website’ or ‘sew button on pink shirt’ (which reminds me..), until it is done. Writing down al these to-do’s and checking your lists on a daily basis gives peace of mind, and even better it makes room for actual thinking. For that, I want to thank David Allen with all my head.

I have struggled with feelings of unworthiness from the age of seven. At the age of 27, I decided I was worthy simply because I’m alive. That was a huge step, but it has taken an additional eight years for my feelings to change accordingly.
Celebrating my 35th birthday, something extraordinary happened. Some of my friends didn’t show up. A few years ago, that would have been catastrophic to my self-image. It would have been proof that I wasn’t worthy. This year, I was surprised they weren’t there, that I had not heard from them. I missed their presence and  hoped they would still come. When they didn’t,  I sincerely hoped they had just forgot, that everything was ok with them and their loved ones.
When I realized what had actually happened, I felt a jolt of pure joy. All these years of hard inner-work had paid off. Of course, I had already noticed enormous shifts in my self-perception, but this felt like coming home. Home at last!

Today, I turned 35. I feel a deep gratitude for each breath I take. I feel blessed beyond measure for reaching this age. I’m still here, still healthy. So many people cannot repeat these words after me. They have either been infected with HIV or have died of AIDS already. Entire generations wiped out. Babies and young children dying of AIDS alone, because they have no parents to take care of them. Hospitals filled with people who do not get the proper treatment, because there is no money. While we live our lives comfortably, pretending everything is OK, people are dying on our watch. Take a moment to realize your blessings and be inspi(red) to act. Embrace the world and give life!

Long ago, on a sunny summer’s day. On a green lawn, a young girl is hula hooping. Trying to keep the hoop around her waist as long as possible. As it goes down slowly, she’s keeping it going around the knees, even around the ankles. Laughter when it eventually drops. She picks it up and starts over again. She’s relaxed, confident that next time she’ll do better.  Nothing on her mind yet, just the sheer joy of playing. This girl, or boy if you prefer, may have been me or you. Somewhere along the way, I lost that playful feeling. Life became doomingly serious. It is not. Life is a game. I just forgot how to play, how to have fun while failing. I’ll be playing hula hoops for the rest of my life. Laughing when it drops, picking it up and starting over again.

Several years ago, I wrote a mission statement for my life. When I look at it now, it is clear I didn’t understand exactly how to write it; how powerful language is. But most of all I didn’t ask myself how I could make it true. I didn’t make a plan to make it work. I didn’t understand a mission statement is a sort of living will, it not only ensures that I am aware of what I want in life, it provides a plan to act on. These last weeks, I’ve been thinking about creating version 2.0., but I didn’t know exactly how to handle it. This week, while reading David Allen’s Getting Things Done, I learned exactly how to make it happen. All I needed were the right questions to ask myself and some knowledge on how I process information. Read the rest of this entry »

A man who lost both his legs in an near-death accident, climbed the Kilimanjaro. A woman who was overweight for her entire life, lost over 300 pounds. A boy who was born without legs, ran the marathon. These people can break our limited perceptions of what is possible. Their accomplishments awed me, but I didn’t understand, and therefore dismissed these  stories to the realm of the amazing. It never occurred to me they were showing me I could do great things too.
All my life I’ve limited myself by thinking ‘I can’t do that’ or  ‘I would never be able to do that.’ Yesterday, I shifted gears. I changed my obsolete mantras for a brand new one: I can do this, I just have to figure out how.’ However impossible it might seem at the moment, I’ll be all I can be. I don’t know how I’ll get there, but I will. I believe that when I’ll keep the end in mind, keep believing in myself and just keep going, I, too, will accomplish great things.  

Understanding I’m responsible for my life and claiming that responsibility has been a cathartic experience for me. I remember being very reluctant at first, as it meant I was responsible for the mess in my life. I had been an expert in blaming it on outside circumstances. Every job interview that did not lead to a job was because they wouldn’t look beyond my resume and because there were always people with more experience. It took some time for me to be able to admit I had created that mess. It had not been my intention. I had not been aware of what I had been doing.  But I had created it nonetheless. It took courage to admit that I had not gotten the job, because I had believed upfront I would not get the job anyway and therefore had not been able to convince them that I would be a great asset to their company. It took strength not to grieve over all those lost years and blame it on my past, but to forgive myself and move forward on this new road. I have learned that being fully responsible for my life not only gives a sense of control, but most importantly it expands my life by creating opportunities that weren’t there before.

Most of my life, my glass has been half empty. I was not happy with my life. I focused on the things that I didn’t have, that weren’t going the way I wanted. I wasn’t grateful for all the things I did have. You cannot see your glass as half full and half empty at the same time. At one point, I started a gratitude journal. Each day, writing down 5 things I was grateful for. At first, it was so hard. I just didn’t know where to look for it. But slowly, I learned to find gratitude in everything. In the smile of the woman passing by, in the bird singing his song, in the green of grass, in the way raindrops tick on my window, even in the way my tummy looks after giving birth and the extra pounds I have gained. Nowadays, my glass is half full on a bad day, but full on most days. I have learned that gratitude attracts gratefulness. What are you grateful for?

Trying to live each day as if it were your last, seems awfully tiring to me. Frustrating too. I mean, if I had only one day left, I certainly wouldn’t bother cleaning my house or paying the bills. Yet in order to live a balanced life, be happy, it is also necessary to those things you don’t like.
Although, I refuse to see this day as my last day, I live my life as if death were around the corner. This means I’m aware of my mortality, but it also leaves room for the future. It gives me focus. I try to enjoy every moment to the fullest and be grateful for everything I experience, so I will have lived a full life. I try to keep the end in mind and make choices that reflect my values, so I will have done what matters to me. I try to do my best and learn from my mistakes, so I will have no regrets.
And if this were my last day…? I would organise a goodbye party to celebrate my life, to tell everyone in person how they enriched my life and how thankful I am for their presence in my life. While writing, I realise I don’t do that enough. I make the decision that from today on, I will tell the people in my life how appreciative I am of them on a regular basis, so that when I die suddenly everyone will know for sure I have loved them. 

At this moment in her life, this was perfect for her, said a woman living in an apartment of 23 m2 (about 250 ft2) in the West-Village, NYC. Maybe one day she would love a penthouse with a roof terrace, but for the moment she wouldn’t want it any other way.  It raises a question: How much do you need to be happy? Do you really need that extra pair of shoes, that bigger house? How long before you would want more? Really, what would it take?  Imelda Marco’s shoes? Buckingham Palace?

This year, I’ve come to understand that if you’re not happy with where you are and what you have in this moment, all the shoes in the world or the largest house on earth will not make you happy. I repeat: will not make you happy! You will always be in search for more. Life will never be good enough.  Ask yourself: would you rather be happy now or in a year? Well, what are your waiting for? Choose to be happy right now. Love who you are. Be grateful for what your have. And enjoy what you do. Everything else will come naturally…

As someone paid me a compliment on this weblog, I felt this deep kind of relief. Although, I loved what I was doing, sometimes was even amazed at what I had written, I had been anxious on some level. Deep inside, I apparently needed someone else to affirm my worth. Why do I still hunger someone else’s approval? Why can I not validate in my own feelings of worth? Why do I find it so hard to have confidence in me?  I blame it on my inner-critic, that mean little voice in the back of my head that always makes snide remarks. Over the years, she’s taken so much power, it doesn’t leave any room for inner-praise. Of course, I’m the main culprit here. I somehow tend to believe my inner-critic and be suspicious of inner-praise. But then I wondered: don’t we all?
Our inner-critic seems to be nothing more than the sum of negative voices we’ve been exposed to when growing up: criticizing comments of our parents, teachers and even of that bullying classmate. But I am not that kid anymore. I’ve grown up. I have learned criticism is rooted in fear.  So why do I still listen to that frightened little voice? Why do I give any credit to some out-dated coward?  Honest? I wouldn’t know.
In my life, I have no room for nagging friends or draining relationships. Life is too short. Why would I allow the most important relationship I have (with myself) to be ruined by such a tyrant. I won’t. Anymore. Today, I’ve declared war on self-terrorism. I have given my inner-terrorist an ultimatum: Either she is with me or against me. Friend or foe. If she’ll keep terrorising me, I’ll hunt her down and smoke her out.

It’s up to me to give life meaning - I don’t expect others to give it meaning for me. I create my own reality.

Deepak Chopra - Success Cards

Are you living your life in the fast lane? To busy to smell the roses?  Give yourself a break. How about just 15 minutes a day, to begin with… Switch of your cell, laptop, i-pod, kids, anything that might distract you. Treat yourself to some peace and quiet. Forget about all the things that need to be done. Just be, daydream a little, stare outside, count your heartbeat, follow your breath. Practice doing nothing. This might feel somewhat uncomfortable at the beginning, as you are addicted to the rush, but give it a try. Set yourself the goal to sit still 15 minutes a day for the next 21 days. That’s the time it takes to instil a new habit. Try it and see how your perspective on life changes, getting clearer every day. You’ll love it!

‘Don’t aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s personal dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself. Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge. Then you will live to see that in the long run - in the long run, I say! - success will follow you precisely because you forgot to think about it.’

Viktor E. Frankl

Preface to the 1984 edition of Man’s search for meaning

Yesterday, while watching a conversation between Oprah and Gary Zukav, I finally grasped the true power of intention. I’ll try to recapture the essence of what they said.

Spirituality is about  fixing yourself.  Part of your spiritual growth is to understand that all your experiences are self-created. You have to accept that you are responsible for those parts of your life that are not working. You create your experiences by your intentions. How can your intentions create your experiences? An intention is the underlying motivation, conscious or unconscious, of every choice you make. Why do you want what you want? It is the first act of creation. Intentions can be based in fear or in love. This determines the outcome of what you create. Fear creates painful experiences (the ultimate fear is not being good enough), while love creates constructively. In order to grow, you have to heal those parts of your life that don’t work by becoming aware of  the intentions that created those painful experiences. Being aware of your emotions allows you to identify the parts of your personality that need to be fixed. You need to focus on the emotions you are experiencing when your buttons are pushed and work through them.

You need to be aware that every choice, however small and seemingly unimportant, has an underlying intention/motivation which determines the consequences. Your intention creates your reality. To create constructively, your intentions must be based in love. Therefore, you need to clairify your intentions before you make a choice. For you to create constructively, your intentions need to be based in love.  To live a life of meaning and purpose, you need to know the intention for your life, so you can align your choices accordingly. Ask yourself why you are on this earth, what is your dream for your life and what is your gift you want to give to the world?